"So basically, you're alienating him for something he didn't do in first place? Wait for nothing he's done?" My mama asked and I nodded sheepishly.
We were at a small cafe in town and I had told her everything that had happened between me and Harry. For some reason I couldn't explain, it was like my mom and I were even closer now.
When I was living with her, I was constantly battling for my independence. And I think that it kinda strained things between us. But the fact that I was here and she was there, it made everything a lot easier.
"I'm sorry to say this. But Iris, you're an idiot," she said and I widened my eyes.
I definitely wasn't expecting her to say that. "Mom–" I started but she cut me off.
"No no. Listen to me baby. I love you. But you're being a dumbass. What did Harry do? What did your friend do to you? What did the both of them do that you're being so distant and rude?" she asked and I bit my lip and looked away.
"I guess nothing mom. But I'm just really scared Mama. I saw what Daddy leaving did to you. And I saw how Auntie was destroyed when Frank left her. I just — I'm just trying to be safe. I don't want to break Mommy."
My mom stared at me for a while without saying anything. Then she put down her croissant and took my hand in both of hers. "Baby you can't live a life like this you know?"
I looked away.
"Me getting hurt, your aunt getting hurt, they have nothing to do with you. You are your own person. Limiting yourself because you are scared of your emotions is only going to make you so so unhappy."
I looked at my mom and I was actually surprised to see how close to tears she was. "Don't let my lifestyle be an encouragement to you. I'm lonely baby. I am. And the last thing I would want to happen to you is ending up like me, lonely and old. You're my only source of comfort in this world. And I want to see you happy," she concluded and I sighed.
I loved this woman so much. "Mom, it won't be easy but I'll try. I'll keep my stupid insecurities away. I will try to do that."
"Be quick about it baby. Who do you think will give me grandkids?" she asked with a raised brow and I laughed out loud. She had reverted to being herself. "And you know, I didn't raise you to be stupid. You're way smarter than this and I expect you to use your head. Okay?"
"Yes momma," I replied. I couldn't help but giggle. My mom and I rarely talked about guys. But when we did, she always set me on the right track. Because all she had said was right.
"Now tell me, how's your job going?"
There was a pause. I wasn't quite sure how she was going to take the fact that I wanted to quit. I really didn't want her to be disappointed.
"I'm tempted to quit mom," I replied, bowing my head. I was so tired.
"Repeat that," mom said.
I was started repeating then I looked up and saw the look on her face. I gulped. She could be scary when she got like this.
"Why do you want to quit?"
"I– mom I can't even work! They are all talking about me!"
"Are you there for them or are you there for you? Did you move here, hundreds of miles away from me to start thinking that people's opinions on how you lived your life mattered?"
I sighed. "Mom you don't understand. Everything I do, everywhere I go, I'm known as the girl who slept with the boss."
"Did you?"
"Did I what?"
"Sleep with the boss."
"Mom!" I exclaimed, blushing a little. There were limits to what I could and could not say to my mom.
"Stop acting like a damn fool and answer my question."
"We have momma," I said in a small voice. I didn't know if it was some trick question to know if i was still a virgin. If so, she was going to be very disappointed.
"Okay then what's wrong? Baby, walk around like you own that place. If they want to spread rumors around you, cool. Pretend you don't hear them. I know it's easier said than done. But love, at the end of the day, you are sleeping with the boss. So getting butthurt over a couple of dried up assholes won't do you any good. I didn't raise a quitter. And if anyone bothers you again, let me know. No one bothers my baby and goes scot-free."
I looked at my mother for a while. "I love you."
"And I love you more honey."
***
It was Monday. I had gone into work right after dropping my mom at the airport. I had given a lot of thought to what she had said. And I realized that she was completely right. I couldn't keep missing out on life because i was scared. The feelings for Harry were there. Denying them would do no good. Even if it had to end one day, it shouldn't be because I was scared. Fear was okay. But losing something beautiful because of that fear was not okay.
I noticed Pearl was avoiding me. I couldn't even blame her. I had been so insensitive and I knew that even if I explained the tumult in my head, it was going to take a bit of time for her to actually be comfortable with me again. But I was going to try.
And try I did. "Hey," I said when I reached her desk. She looked up at me and smiled. I let out a little sigh of relief. At least she was willing to talk to me.
"Can we go for lunch together?" I asked, smiling hopefully.
"Sure," Pearl said and I let out a sigh of relief. I would have been really sad if she had declined.
I went back to my desk and started working. I loved what I did. And even if people were bent on making it hard for me, I was going to keep going. Like my mama said, she didn't raise quitters.
By lunch break, Pearl was at my desk. It was silent as we walked to her car. I didn't want to start talking in the office where everyone could hear us and be all up in our business. As soon as we got into the car though, i started talking. I couldn't bear the awkward silence.
"I'm really sorry about the other day. I was really dumb... And I am really dumb. I just felt some kind of way about you talking about Harry. Not like you don't have a right to. But I don't know. I just let my insecurities show in the dumbest of ways and I'm sorry about that."
Pearl was silent for what seemed like the LONGEST time but then after a while, she looked at me with a weird smile. "I was hurt but the fact that you admitted you're dumb has made it all better."
I laughed in relief. "Thank you," I said gratefully. I almost wished I could stop the car and hug her.
The rest of the ride was silent. Then she asked. "Did you talk to Harry?"
I sighed and turned my head away. I was still contemplating how exactly I was going to approach Harry and make him talk to me. Make him listen to me.
"Not yet," I answered finally.
"Are you going to though?" she asked and i looked at her incredulously.
"Are you even asking that question?"
"You never do know with you," was Pearl's response.
"I'll talk to him. Hopefully he lets me."
"He will," Pearl said with a knowing smile on her face.
I looked at her. I knew she wouldn't answer me. But I asked all the same. "How do you know this?"
"I just do," was Pearl cryptic answer.
I rolled my eyes and stayed silent. I hoped Harry listened to what I had to say. I know it would seem desperate or something to some. But I was the one who had alienated him in the first place. I had told him to stay away from me. And he had. So he had done nothing wrong.
I sighed and looked out of the window. I hated how easily I gave in to my weaknesses. I wished i could be there strong self assured girl who was confident in herself and in basically everything she did.
But I was still that sad six year old who would cry because Daddy had torn the drawing she had made. I was working to be more. I was going to be more than that.
***
I got back home and changed. I was scared. It was hard admitting your wrongs and facing them. And that was basically what I was going to do.
I sighed and stopped the pacing I was doing. I knew that Harry came back most days at 6 pm. And it was 6:30 pm now. I wanted to give him enough time to settle in before considering going over.
And there was also the fact that I was a coward. I kept on pushing the time I'd go over. I didn't know how to face him.
At that moment, my phone pinged with a notification. It was my mom. It read:
You're enough baby girl. I love you.
That was all I needed. I dropped my phone, took in a deep breath then walked to my door. It was now or never. I got out of my apartment and walked to Harry's apartment. I knocked.
After a few seconds, I knocked again, then swallowed when there was still no response. Was this how he felt when he had knocked on my door to avail?
I turned to go. Then I heard a click. I swallowed. Then turned back on myself. Harry was standing there, looking at me. I was tempted to jump into his arms but I controlled myself.
"Hi. Can we talk? Can I— can I come in?"
Harry was silent for a few seconds. Then he opened the door and let me in. This was the moment of Truth.