Jordan
Jaxon really didn't show up.
Well, let me rephrase that.
He did show up, but I was kinda changing and I thought I locked the doors but I guess something's never go the same.
He quickly said sorry and hurried out the doors. I was shocked and kinda scared but I kept telling myself he's dead and Jaxon is not going to turn into a monster like him.
I climbed into bed and stared at the open door. I don't have the windows or curtains open. But always the door. I can't stand a black and quiet room.
Not after so many things happening in a closed off room.
The hall light was on and I turned to my side just watching nothing. I was hoping Jaxon would walk in and lay with me.
But I was wrong.
I started to drift to an empty mind and finally falling into the trap I call; nightmares.
*****
"Why are you hiding love?" He said.
PLEASE! NO PLEASE!
I screamed louder and tried to push away from him. I guess he got fed up so he gripped my neck.
I clawed at his wrist to let go of me and I gasped for air. "Look at me!"
I didn't. I tighten my eyes and thrashed around.
He shook me violently and yelled,"LOOK AT ME!"
I jump up gasping for air. My hands go straight to my neck clawing at it; hoping for air to come in.
"Jordan!"
My chest is moving up and down fast. And I hear my heart pounding. I look around while my vision blurs with tears.
"Jordan"
I look up and see Jaxons eyes.
They are filled with confusion, worry, and fright in them.
"Jordan?....what-what's wrong? What happen?"
And that's when I couldn't help but just throw myself on him and cry on his chest. His arms didn't hesitate to wrap around myself. They rubbed my back while he didn't say anything but just hold me, hoping I wouldn't break on him.
*****
Let me tell you guys something.
Ever since that part of my life, I could never fall asleep with out having nightmares of them.
I could never fall asleep.
I would always take pills that some doctors have prescribed me. But if I forgot to take them, I would wake up with my heart pounding against my chest, my head sweating, while my mind plays tricks on me, showing me them staring at me. Watching me. Laughing at me. Walking towards me. Climbing onto the bed with me. And that's when I scream. I scream till someone calls the cops, or until Greyson comes rushing in, holding me. Telling me it was just a nightmare. He's not going to hurt you. You're fine.
You're fine.
How am I fine?
How can I be?
How can I be fine when all I dream of him?
How can I get them out of my mind?
How can I just live through it, and then tell me get over it.
Get over it.
He's gone.
Never going to hurt you again.
You can tell me all those things, but I would never be fine.
Ever.
Pill after pill.
Nightmare after nightmare.
I could never forget.
After so many times of trying...it just seems I can't over come my demons. Not even the ones who are dead.
*****
I clung on his shirt he was wearing and held on like he was going to leave me.
My sobs filled the room.
He said things in my ear, but I couldn't understand.
I couldn't.
I wanted to hear his voice.
I wanted to hear him say to me, 'he's not going to hurt you. Not until he gets to me first.'
But I couldn't.
My body shakes while the dam I built for my tears slowly start to crumble.
The cast I built around my heart starts to dismantle.
But.
But this man.
This man that's holding me.
He can be the one to repair my heart.
Stop the dam.
And can destroy my demons.
*****
We laid on the bed, while I was still holding on to him.
His hands ran through my hair. He didn't say anything. Didn't question anything. Nothing.
His chest would move up and down from each breath he would take, while I would try to follow but my lungs aren't that big to take in so much air.
I looked away from his chest and looked up, looking at his face.
His eyes were closed while his mouth was slightly part. I just noticed that his hand stopped moving through my hair for awhile.
I stared at his face, but then trailed down to his neck. To his neck where a beautiful flower sat. I looked at it. Watched it until it moved from his Adam apple moved.
I laid my head back on his chest and wrap an arm around his chest and slowly closed my eyes.
*****
I didn't get any sleep that night. I had my eyes closed but I would just open them and stare at the open door.
The sun was begging to beam through the room, but the barrier of the curtains stopped them from coming through.
It didn't take long for Jaxon to wake up though. I heard him take in a huge breath in from his nose while his arms stretched above his head.
I didn't move. I just watched the door.
He exhaled while my head followed the flow of his chest.
His hand wrapped around my shoulders while his hand laid on my arm, sending warmth there.
I lifted my head off his chest and looked up to him.
He had a small smile on while his eyes were hooded. "Morning." He said in his morning voice.
I gave a small smile, "morning." He pulled himself up till he was sitting up with his back resting on the head board. I pushed myself up till I sat on my legs staring at him.
"Wh-What ha-Are you hungry?" He said while he crossed his hands behind his head then resting it on them.
"Not really. Just exhausted."
He looked away from my eyes but then back to them and gave me a small smile. "What-"
"I'll tell you later. I changed my mind, I want to go eat." I hoped off the bed and started to walk over to the door but stopped and turned around.
He didn't move.
He had his head tilted to the side, just watching me with a eyebrow raised.
My shoulders sagged and I made myself walk towards him.
"What's wrong?" He asked, then pushing himself off the head rest.
I sat at the edge of the bed and stared at my thumbs while the circle around each other.
I took a breath in and closed my eyes. "I have nightmares. I have nightmares of them. Him. I can't sleep, but if I don't take my pills I would wake up paranoid. I would hallucinate of them walking towards me, then climbing onto the bed with me. And that's when I would scream." I breathe out.
"I never won. I won by living, but he won by taking over my mind."