Not having enough mood to touch the food, I looked through the window to let my mind wander around somewhere, but my mind brought last night memories of us which are mercilessly haunting me now and then.
Did it happen? Or is it my hallucinations? But it felt real. A single tear rolled down my cheeks. It shouldn't have happened.
How did I end up in this mess? Why the f**k my legs carry me to the unknown place and why the f**k did I decide to drink? Why? Why? Why? Lots of questions popped onto my mind leaving me no answer and a pounding headache.
On the other hand, Sweety is still angry with me. She didn't utter any words since I returned to our apartment early in the morning. She was so upset when I didn't return as I promised.
I fed her breakfast and she went to play with other kids. Miss. Jaden informed me that she had been crying for the night asking for her mommy before she fell asleep and I feel sorry for both of them.
I knocked on Mrs. Laurence's apartment and patiently waited for her to open the door. I could hear the giggles and laughter from the living room which automatically brought a smile to my face.
"Miss. Kader, please come inside." Mrs. Laurence greeted me inside with a warm hug. She is always so sweet and caring, and I never bothered to allow Sweety to play with his son Daniel.
Daniel is a year older than Sweety and the two are going to the same school which helps their friendship grow stronger. He is taking care of her as his little sister.
"Thank you, Mrs. Laurence." I returned her a warm hug. "I'm here to get Sweety," I said scratching the back of my head feeling bothered to start the conversation.
"Come on Riya, You don't need to ask..." She playfully hit my shoulder and went inside. I stood outside of her apartment until Sweety come with a frown on her little face. She acts way too far from her age.
"Are you going somewhere?" was her first question and I let out a defeated sigh shaking my head back and forth.
"Ahhh... Mommy wants to talk to you. Are you free now?" I asked making a puppy face.
She folded her arms and pretended like thinking for a second before shaking her head up and down giving me a clue as 'Yes'.
I smiled and scooped her in my arms but she is not bothered to put her tiny hands around my neck. "Seem someone is angry with her mommy." I teased but no response, So I gave up and walked into our apartment.
Once we entered, I locked the door and put her down to stand for herself. "I don't need any of your explanation. First, you lied and you never bothered to check me out, at least whether I have eaten or not?" She threw all of her anger.
"You are the same as a dad. I thought you love me but ... but.." Tears are running through her cheeks which made my heart clench with pain. Why all of the sudden.. why was she thinking like this. "You do not love me anymore." She cried her heart out.
"No baby, No." I cupped her face and wiped her tears. "Sweety, who told you like that? Mommy loves you always. You are my life and what made you think that Mommy does not love you anymore, huh?" I asked controlling my tears back.
I never think of this nightmare; even in the future I didn’t presume that she would ask these kinds of questions which will shatter both of us but she asked and it broke my heart into pieces knowing some evil planted this negative vibe on her innocent mind.
"Dad left us because he did not love me and then you..." I hugged her so tightly feeling guilty about what I did to her. Knowingly or unknowingly I hurt her feelings.
"Who told you, baby?" I asked carefully.
"Jace. He said you are not happy with me, that's why you left me alone like dad." She whimpered. It was my first time, me staying away from her throughout the whole night, and it caused a severe impact.
"Shh...Mommy is here for you, Mommy never leaves her cute little angel." I planted a kiss on her forehead and then her cheek.
"But you left."
"It won't happen anymore."
"Promise?" She pouted her lips.
"Promise." She then threw her hands around my neck and kissed my cheeks. I held her for what seemed to be an hour and I felt her breath go heavy, which means she fell fast asleep.
Slowly, I made my way to our room carrying her in my arms and I laid her on the bed and wrapped the bedsheet over her. Her face was red and stained with her tears.
I broke into tears when I felt lost, I'm a loser not as a strong woman but as a mother too.
Today, I don't have the guts to lie, that's why I skipped the topic when she asked her dad. I felt uncomfortable saying he was dead and watching us from heaven because I felt different, different that she had already known the truth and accusing me of not telling her before.
As a kid, she needs both her parent's support in her life. Why don't I tell him the truth? Does he suppose to be a good dad? Should I tell him?
"No" my inner mind rushed. "Don't forget what he did to you, to us". I inhaled deeply to get rid of the negative thought which came to my mind to break me down.
---
I heard a soft knock on my door. Who is at this time? I have no visitor today. "It may be Juliet," I said to myself and walked towards the door wiping my face with my bare hands.
I unlocked the door before saying, "come in, the door is open now." And walked towards the bathroom to wash my face, left the door open for her.
"What happened to you? Are you okay? Why are you crying? Is the little bunny.."
I stopped on my track and turned my head to find the owner of that voice and found myself broke into pieces than I was already. "Why are you here?" I asked in my most calm tone.
"I just wanted to check you out. Cause.. cause you are not with me when I woke up..."
"What nonsense are you talking about?" I barely raised my voice.
"Riya, I remember everything--- I mean you were with me but again when I woke up, you are nowhere to be found. Do you have any idea how I lost when I didn't find you?"He clenched and unclenched his fist.
"Stop your bullshit!! And don't act as you are caring for me. I know who you are and what are you capable of." I spat.
"So, are you saying you are not with me, huh?" He asked almost to himself furrowing his brow.
"Why should I be with you?" I throw him a disgusting look.
"Yesterday, you were hard to handle, so I think I brought you to my apartment..."
"Mr. Miller. I am not an easy person who falls over just because of ten glasses. I had my control over me and don't think I was with you, I think you are hallucinating." I snapped at him.
"You are lying... I can feel.." He was not sure about the matter.
"Stop it. I don't want to hear any of your bullshit anymore, just leave!!" I pointed my forefinger towards the door, hoping he would leave me alone not digging the night anymore.
I don't even remember everything I did at the club, it was a mere image of me and him making out, but I'm not sure about this. I was tipsy at that moment and now I regretted why did I choose alcohol to let go of my stress, and also I found myself dragged into more mess than I already was.
"Okay...It's maybe one of my dreams that I used to get into." He said shrugging his shoulders casually like it is not a matter to him as it was a routine.
So, he is dreaming me of every night. Isn't he? I felt disgusted again.
I bit my lips to control my sob but I failed and broke down into a sob. I buried my face between my palms ashamed of everything. Within a second, he stood next to me engulfing me in his arms and patting my shoulder up and down.
"I'm not here to hurt you, I'm sorry if I did." He said the concern is evident in his voice.
"What do you want now?" I pulled him away. "You broke my heart four years ago. Aren't you satisfied with the damage you had already caused me? Now, what do you want?" I clutched his shirt and threw the questing one by one.
"Because of you, my baby left..." I was taken aback by what I was about to tell him. I lost control over my body and all my emotions are taking over.
"What are you saying? What do I do?" He threw me a horror expression.
I thought for a moment then came with a lie to blame him. "My baby left fatherless because of you? You are the reason why I am into this mess. Well.. aren't you happy with it?" I asked even though I didn't get what I am saying.
"Listen, I'm not sorry for what happened to your Ex, because he got what he deserved. He took my place and I never share what is mine with anyone. Don't blame me for your loss, if he had been alive I would have killed him and buried him six feet under the ground." He gritted his teeth.
I felt a slight headed and clutched the sofa to my support preventing me from falling off my face.
"Hey!! Are you okay?" He tried to get me in his arms but I shoved his hands away. I found trouble breathing normally. I heard him curse loudly before taking his phone to call someone whom I assume was a doctor through my blurred vision.
"Riya, stay awake." I heard his panicked voice before darkness consumed me.
---
"Mommy... Mommy... wake up." I heard a tiny voice followed by a male voice saying "Shh... let her take rest."
I opened my eyes and met a strange man sitting beside me having a small smile on his face whose face is familiar to me. Ahh...I met him before, but where? Yeah, I met him in the hospital, his name is Jack... I assume and he is his friend.
"How are you feeling now?" He asked.
"I'm good." He twisted his lips and shook his head. "Take a rest. You seem weak." I nodded my head and looked away.
"Okay, I'm leaving then. Kayish called me here and I threatened him to leave this place before I started your treatment. You guys are something.. Whatever, it's not my place. Anyway, don't stress around. Take care." He said standing up ready to leave.
I'm glad he is not here. "Okay." I gave him a weak reply and he walked out of my room.
"Mommy." She gave me a worried look.
I stretched both my hands and set her in my lap. "I'm fine baby." I hope so. I hugged her.
Am I okay?
*