XXXVII
Every drink makes my smile, my courage and my guilty conscience bigger, however I keep on drinking because as long as I'm drunk, I'm not realizing the fact that I have a kid and will soon have another. It also makes me forget that I have a serious fucking job because of a person that I threw away like garbage.
I ignored all the shit that was building up and now it's overflowing.
I quickly drown another glass of Whiskey to drown the guilt of calling my children shit - they're really not.
At least I don't think so.
However, considering they're half me, they might be half shit.
Poor Leon. His mother is shit, too.
"I'm gonna steal Leon from that bitch, you know. He's my kid, no way I'm letting his life be as shitty as mine." I scream over the sound of loud music to Alex.
He frowns. "I forgot you have a kid."
I lift my left brow. "Me, too. Almost. Fucking hell, my life has changed so fucking much." I say to myself, hoping he's not listening.
I'm talking about myself too damn much, I should ask him something.
I mentally groan - since when do I give a fuck if I talk about myself too much?
"Mate, I think that blonde chick is coming here." Alex slurrs and before I manage to even comprehend what he's saying I feel an arm around my torso.
***
Sophie's P.O.V. (long time no see)
I wake up next morning with an overwhelming urge to pee like I have for the last month.
The baby has gotten so heavy and him resting on the bladder doesn't help one bit.
Only when I make it to the bathroom and release the water that's been overwhelming me do I realize that there weren't arms wrapped around me this morning like usual.
Did Axel stay out all night?
He wouldn't. Would he?
I make my way back to discover the other side if the bed perfectly made from previous morning.
"Ana, did you see if Axel's car is in the driveway?" I ask my nurse, who uncomfortably shifts on her feet. She only got here ten minutes ago, so she should know.
"No, did he go to the store or something?" she kindly asks.
I sigh and sit down on the bed, rubbing my belly and feeling a light kick underneath my arm.
"I wish." I reply quietly. It's Christmas morning and instead of a gift, this is what I get.
I grew so much in the last few months, I thought stupid things like these weren't going to throw me off track, yet here I am, biting the inner side of my cheek.
How can he do this to me? Stay out all night.
If I weren't pregnant and did the same thing, he'd hate me for the rest of my life, but if it's him doing stupid crap, everything is fine.
A feeling is starting to creep over me, a feeling that I never wanted to feel.
The feeling of being trapped, trapped like some animal.
I live in England because of him, where everything and everyone is connected to him, despite my mom and even she lives with his coach.
I'm in the house he bought for us, and because of pregnancy, I have no job and no money.
Even if I wanted to get away from him, I couldn't and this feels worse than anything.
Sure, I know he loves me but I need to feel secure on my own two feet, without him holding me up.
Quietly, I close my eyes and make myself a promise that no matter how much money he earns, no matter hom much I'll want to stay home, I won't I will go finish school and get a proper job as soon as possible.
I love him more that the world, but there isn't just one world for me out there anymore - soon there'll be two.
I feel his kick again under my palm. I'm going to teach you to be independent, love. I promise to be the best example to you that I can be.
Suddenly a door bell rings. Here he comes.
Attempting to block the feeling of anger as much as I can because I don't want to scare the baby, I lift myself on my own two feet. "Help me downstairs?" I ask Ana and she nods, holding me by my arm as we slowly make our way downstairs.
However, when I reach the door, the face I expected to see isn't there.
Instead, there's one that I never thought I would see in a long time, maybe even ever.
I open the door with a surprised frown on my face. "Theo?"