Coming out of the shower, I stroll to bed, tucking myself under the covers without minding what Jerol is doing in the closet.
Nothing has ever been so vexatious in my life before like this. I haven't sampled any drop of harmony during the day and there is absolutely no sign of it up until now. Not even in the near future.
How can this be?
Of all the people he had to beat his siring problem with, it had to be me? Ooh, hell! God, you really screwed me up real bad this time!
I have mulled over options throughout the day, fathoming of his reaction the moment this news tickles the walls of his ears. Would he be elated? Would he be blown? Most likely, yes, because he has been longing for a child - an heir for his empire. He had almost lost hope in holding a baby in his arms so of course, the miracle of the fact that he will be a father will blow his mind off the cliff! He will be over the moon. I can visualize the glow on his face and in his bottomless eyes when he learns of this.
But it's me who is carrying his baby - a nobody, his wife on paper, his contract wife, the one he is deemed to part ways with within a week. A freaking week! Now that sucks! The contract sucks! The rules suck like hell!
What if he sees this as my blackmail to stay in his life? What if he doesn't see me as someone he can raise a family with? What will he think of me when I tell him this? What will happen after this one week? I still need to put that into deliberation, right?
And what if I don't tell him? Will he be furious with me if he ever finds out later? But of course! Heck, I don't think I can even forgive myself for snatching away this pleasure from him. I can't take away the joy of him being a father from him. What sort of a human being would that make me? If he never gets to have another child apart from the one I am carrying for him and it happens that I kept it secret from him, even the heaven will be furious at me. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be mean. I want to do what is right. But what is right? Because I don't want to be blamed for this too.
We were deemed to be governed by the rules. We broke them together, I know, right? But what if he blames me for this? What if he says is something like, "I thought you were contraceptives"? Or, "I thought you were taking the morning-after pills"? Gosh, I can't afford to see him look at me with questions that I will not have answers to. I don't want this to backfire on me. I want peace for both of us.
"Where are you lost?" His voice snaps me back from that wild jungle as he flips me around, buckling me up to him as we face each other.
He is always so sweet. I love it here, in his arms like this. But will he still be like this after he learns about the news of me being pregnant for him? Will we still be okay after this?
If only that damn contract wasn't there, this burden would have been a little bit lighter. But it's there. Here, actually. Somewhere in this room. And it's about to end in a week. And here I am. Pregnant.
What a disastrous ending this is. If I deemed us developing feelings for each other was messier, then this has drawn us into a deep quagmire. And if felt like him making me part of his company was a disastrous idea, then I don't know what to think of this pregnancy.
It's a bond. An intense bond! A lifetime bond! A forever bond! I don't know what fate holds for us, but no matter what ensues after this one week, we will forever be bound by this child. He will forever be a part of me.
"Babe?"
"Huh?" I snap. I was once again so engrossed. How can't I when nothing is right in my head nor in my life?
"You are making me worry. What's wrong? You are not yourself." He states, nuzzling my cheek.
He doesn't know it, but everything is so wrong, and I don't know how we can re-write these wrongs, nor do I know whether there is a way to right these wrongs.
Come to think of it. We entered into this agreement erroneously. I was virtually bartered like a cheap merchandise to him by my ridiculous mother. First wrong! I had a golden chance to back out. Jerol himself offered me that chance, but I didn't take it. I consented to this no matter how absurd it was to me in all senses. Another wrong! His mother saw me as mere garbage. Another wrong, because no matter how awfully unfit I seemed in their eyes, she didn't have the right to mortify me that way or in any way. But I took it all in, for the sake of the sanity of this man with me. Another wrong, maybe?
I bore so much for this man and gave way too much than I should have. The hurts, the pains, the humiliation from his mother and those guests from the introduction party, and I am not complaining, neither am I regretting a thing. Now, that, I don't feel anything wrong about it. I don't know if it's wrong in the real sense, nor do I know if not seeing it as wrong is wrong. I can no longer at this point tell what is right and what is wrong.
I'm once again jump-jolted to reality by his lips massaging mine gently in a slow soft kiss. This too, is it wrong? Because I don't want to term it that way. It's a feeling that I don't want to part with. The way he cares, the way he looks at me, the way he calms me down, everything that he makes me feel is fascinating in every sense. Is that wrong too?
Has falling in love ever been a crime? If it is, if ever this turns out to be wrong, who will bare the blame? What will be the consequences? How severe will that punishment be?
Ooh, I know, or at the very least, I can take a bitter wild guess. We both will bare the consequences, because we are both in love. And how severe will the punishment be? This innocent soul that I am carrying will lose the chance of having a complete family, of living with its father.
And because that guilt and inkling alone are weighing so heavily on me, I will not talk about how shattered my heart will be from the day we part ways until the end of times. That is how much I love him.
"Talk to me now. What's eating up my beautiful wife so much?" He queries after we pull away from the kiss.
Forgive me for this, hubby, but I need to sort my feelings out about this first before I can decide whether you should know about this or not. I need to be sure that this will not jeopardize anything for you. I need to know that you are okay and ready for this news.
"I'm fine, hubby." I lie, conjuring a smile. "I just missed you so much."
"But I have been here for a while since I came back from the office." He argues, and I know, he isn't a fool to be swayed by my pathetically coerced grin.
I close my eyes, burying my head in his chest, and murmuring on his skin.
"I just missed you like this." I say, and I can't explain the bliss of what I am feeling.
It's like I belong here, in his arms, and his life. Clichè, right?
He tightens his hold on me, pressing me to him for a long moment before loosening his grip, making me groan.
"Does that feel better?" He asks.
"Mmh. So so." I say, refusing to pluck my face from his chest.
He chuckles.
"There will be more later. For now, I want to share some good news."
Huh? Now that made me spring my head up enthusiastically.
"Tell me." I bubbly chirp, looking into his eyes.
"My parents called. They are asking if we could have dinner together next Friday." He explains.
Shit! So, how is that good news? That Madam gross will have an opportunity to belittle me once again. Who knows what the color of her bucket of insults she will bring along this time around. Gross! Total gross!
But, hey, at least I won her ridiculous challenge, right? I redeemed her son! I fixed Jerol and I bet he is better than he ever was. I'm mentally tapping myself on the shoulder for achieving that. She doesn't have so much on me this time around. On the contrary, I am the one who has a lot to rub on her face. She better fuck off of my ass when we meet. Sigh!
"Don't you want to know what the good news is?" Jerol speaks. He must be seeing a confusing weirdo today.
Well, at least he knows the presence of his mother can't in any way be good news to me. That woman is total gross! If she planned this, she sure has got a wicked plan.
"I'm listening." I say.
"I turned it into a dinner party. Like the one we had that first time." He explains, perplexing me.
"What? Why?" I query.
"Because, I want to show the woman who redeemed me to the entire world if possible." He whispers to my face, drawing me more into bewilderment.
Hang on! I don't get this.
"What do you mean?" I implore, my voice breaking in the middle.
"That," he cups my left cheek, "I want the entire world to know that I love you so much, Tessa Angeline. I love you, Mrs McCall. I love you to the moon and back, my beautiful wife. You are a miracle that I don't want to ever lose."
I think I was bundled into cloud nine. I am burning from the impact of his beautiful words. I'm simply melting from the warmth of his touch and sweet words. My heart is echoing to heaven with euphoric glee. I am blown! Totally blown!
I guess this makes everything right? Or is it an additional wrong? Jerol-freaking-O'Brian-McCall loves me? He finally confessed.
"But, Jerol..."
"Jerol? What happened to "hubby", love? I know you love me and that we are both happy this way, right?" He speaks.
I cup his cheek too, massaging his perfect jaw.
"Yes, hubby. But..."
He pressed his thumb on my lips, preventing me from ranting further.
Fuck me and this fucking buts? But don't blame me, okay? It is my curious sixth sense being at work!
"I know what you are thinking, love. It's that shit piece of paper, right?" He queries. A shit of paper. I think that's what we should call it from now on. I nod my head. "We will talk about it that Friday after dinner, okay?" He says.
"Okay." I respond, feeling at the top of the world.
"But, babe?" I look at him as he intertwines our fingers, looking back at me. "I promise that everything will be alright after this, okay? Trust this." He says, like he likes putting it.
Trust this! And I guess I should trust him and trust this too- what we feel. I guess that is what he meant all this while.
"I do trust you. It's time I trust this, too." I mumble.
"I won't let you down, baby." He says, pulling me to him as we epitomize each other. "I love you." He whimpers to my lips.
"I love you, Jerol." I whimper, getting an intoxicating sense of Deja vu.
"Say that again, baby." He pleads, masking his thrill with a beautiful grin.
"I. Love. You. I love you so much!" I confess.
"Thank you." That's all he whimpers before our lips crash on each other with ravenous hunger.