“I apologize for not consulting with you and Father before deciding on my career. It wasn’t easy, but I finally am starting to become an established model in New York and I plan on keeping this career. I am sure you and Father will cheer for me. If you continue to disapprove, I will be sad, but I am an adult now, so…”
Silje didn’t want this conversation to go down this path, so she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She had to change the subject and get to the point.
“I know I did something terrible that can never be forgiven. I know you and my father will never forgive me, and I’m sure you are still very angry at me, but I don’t regret what I have done… I was so lonely and desperate back then. At that time, I thought I was all alone in the world… Then he came into my life… There is nothing I can do to reverse what already happened, and I don’t want to be trapped in the past and live an unhappy life. I want to work hard and live for the future. I want to do what I can to make things better and be forgiven.”
Silje took another deep breath and asked, “So won’t you give me a chance? I want to pay you back for raising me. I want to see you again. Will you come to New York for a visit? To see me?”
“Do you realize what a horrible thing you have done to us? Silje, we still haven’t recovered from the shock of it. That is all I can say to you. I cannot answer your question.”
This was what Silje expected, and she had no intention of giving up easily. She wanted to give her adoptive mother a little time to think. After a long silence, Olga finally replied, “But I am glad to hear that you are doing alright. Please don’t expect too much from us. It has been years since we last spoke, so if you ask such a question so bluntly… How could I respond to it so easily?”
Her adoptive mother was still not ready to forgive her. Silje decided she should try again later when Olga added, “Although I do want to know what kind of life you are leading in New York. I can’t go right away, but when I get a chance, I will visit you.”
Olga still sounded rigid, but she was trying to make an effort to mend their relationship. Silje couldn’t believe her ears at the unexpected turn. At first, she thought she heard it wrong.
Her adoptive mother really wanted to see her again?
It felt like the sun was coming out finally to shine on her.
Silje wanted to scream with joy but held back. She instead asked again, “So you will come to see me in New York?”
Taking the first step was hard, but afterward, things happened easily and fast. In New York, Silje was completely alone. She had no family, which meant that if something happened to her, there would be no one to sit by her side to help her. She lived with other models in the dorm, but none of them were close to her.
Silje became used to being alone, but Olga’s promise to visit still her warmed her heart.
When Olga did come to New York, Silje flinched the first time she saw her. Olga looked much older with more white hair. Her face showed that she looked very tired.
Olga gestured for Silje to come, and when she did, Olga seemed surprised too. Silje was five years older and now had much shorter hair.
“Silje? It’s really you?”
“Yes, Mom. How was your flight?”
They hadn’t seen each other for many years, but there was no joyful hug or kind words. All they could do was to look at each other awkwardly.
Looking at her adoptive mother look old and tired hurt Silje. She quietly took Olga’s bags.
“I will take these for you, Mom.”
Olga just watched Silje quietly. Even when they arrived at Silje’s apartment in Greenwich Village, Olga still looked melancholy. She did stare at the fashion photos of Silje that were framed in her room. All her roommates were out, so it was just Silje and Olga in the apartment.
“Here is something to drink, Mom.”
Olga emptied the cup of cold milk Silje offered.
“Is this where you live, Silje?”
“Yes, Mom.”
Silje wondered what she could say to her mother so she wouldn’t worry. After a brief hesitation, Silje explained, “I know this isn’t a great apartment, but rent is very expensive in New York, so this was the best option for me. This place may be small and old, but it’s still comfortable. It’s perfect for my work too. I like it a lot. I am doing well, Mom.”
Olga still looked like she didn’t believe her, so Silje continued, “I am fine, Mom. So there is no reason for you to worry about me.”
After a short silence, Olga asked, “Silje, why did you cut your hair so short?”
“I just wanted a change, Mom.”
When Silje replied calmly, to her surprise, Olga nodded without argument.
“Well then, we should have dinner now. I see that your kitchen looks bare. Are you eating well, Silje? Don’t the other models eat at all?”
“We are usually very busy, so we don’t cook often. I’m sorry, Mom, but I just returned from Milan a few days ago so I didn’t a chance to buy groceries. It will take a while to go to the store and make something, but I can. Would you be okay waiting?”
Silje didn’t want to upset Olga, so she added quickly, “You don’t have to wait too long. I can make penne pasta with lots of cheese. That’s your favorite, right?”
What Olga said next was a shock.
“Then let’s go out to eat. I think that might be better.”
Olga grabbed her trench coat from the sofa.
Silje couldn’t believe it. Her adoptive mother wanted to go out for dinner. When Silje lived in Norway, her family rarely went out. It was too expensive to eat out, and Olga didn’t like any food other than what she cooked herself. She was very firm on making every meal for her family.
Was it because they were in New York? Or was Olga trying to make amends?
Silje hurried out so her adoptive mother wouldn’t change her mind. She couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming hope at the possibility of having a family again. She thought she was used to having cold indifferent parents, but she was human after all. It was clear that she had been lonely, and she craved to be part of a family again.
Silje thought very hard before deciding on the restaurant. There was a place she would’ve loved to take Olga for dinner, but it was too far. She wanted to go somewhere nearby so they wouldn’t have to waste time in the car.
Silje chose a great restaurant in Nolita.