Note (26)
Grace
Jake messaged me today, telling me that he was coming to pick me up. And said that 'No' wasn't an answer. I wasn't going to say no but his order made me frown. Why was he so controlling sometimes? Whatever.
I dressed up for college and when I was tying my shoes, the doorbell rang. Getting up, I walked to the door and opened it. And who else, except for Jake standing there. He flashed me his eight — hundred megawatt smile which lit up his whole face.
“You're early.” I said with an obvious bored tone. Abruptly, he grabbed my chin and brushed a soft kiss on my cheek.
“What? Were you counting minutes for when I'm going to get here?” He asked. I looked at him, up and down. He was wearing a black shirt and blue jeans. He always wore a watch and over-all looked pretty handsome. When I looked back at his face, he was smirking for knowing reason. He had caught me praising his appearance.
“You seemed cheerier and happier than you're used to. What's going on?” Ignoring his looks, I asked him as I moved back into the house. As always, Jake walked inside like it was his home.
“That's because I am cheerier and happier than before. Pick up your bag, we're going to have coffee.” He said, as he leaned against the door frame. I swung my bag on my shoulder and walked towards him.
“Coffee? What for? Do you have Dissociative Personality Disorder or something? One time you're all happy and cheery and another time you're all fight and blood.” I said. We walked out of my house and I locked the door. Then we walked to his car. He opened the door for me, and then he himself climbed in, on the driver's seat.
“You should learn to appreciate me a little. I'm not this good to everyone.” He replied to me then he started driving.
“Whatever.” I mumbled under my breath. Jake's lips tilted up and I knew he heard me.
We drove in silence. At the red light Jake stopped his car. I heard a distinct beeping sound and realized it was a message sound. Jake took out his cell phone and muttered, “Shit.”
I looked at him with questioning eyes. He put his phone back into the pocket and spoke.
“Umm. I can't stay for coffee. Mason, Ethan and I are having our band practice early. We've been slacking in our music practice for a very long time. They'll be super pissed if I avoided today's practice.” With that, he sighed. A long, heavy sigh. I patted his hand, resting on the riding stick.
“That's okay. I wasn't planning on a coffee date anyway.” I said. Under my touch his hand became stiff then it loosened up. He laced his fingers through mine and raised our joint hand to his lips. He kissed my hand.
“I promise we'll have a real date, one day.” He said. His words somehow raised different feelings at once. He sounded genuine for a contracted relationship. Still, I did not say it. I didn't want to spoil this morning or even our mood. Although, my mood was already spoiled. I think Jake noticed a change in my mood because he stopped the car in front of a café and turned to me. Giving his full attention.
“Don't be sad. I'll make up for it the next time.” He told me, clearly misinterpreting my mood and thoughts. It gave me an excuse to focus on him. I forced a smile and nodded. Somehow, the reminder that I had nothing more than a fake relationship pained me.
I forgot that having someone at my side was a luxury. A luxury that I might never have. I never told him and maybe never accepted it myself but I didn't accept this deal between us just for the sake of saving my secret but also because I know that I won't ever be loved by anyone. I can't ever be seen solemnly as a woman. I would always be considered someone who works as a prostitute. One might never love me because of my occupation. And if, by fault, someone does love me it would be because of my work. A prostitute that could be raped, abused and, an advantage of never getting sent to jail. Just for once, I wanted to feel what it feels like to be loved by someone. Even if it was fake love.
What surprised me and still surprises me, is that Jake never once asked me to have sex with him. Someone like him, who loves to take advantage of people, should have asked me already. But he didn't.
Two fingers snapped at my face. I looked at Jake.
“Yo. Back on earth.” He gave me a cup of coffee and sipped from his own. I didn't even realize when he bought this from the café. I must be lost in my own thoughts.
“I'm going to drop you off at college and then go to practice, okay?” He asked as he started driving.
“Okay.” I answered.
After a twenty minutes drive, we reached college. Nobody paid attention to us anymore. We've become old news. People moved on and found something new and more fun to talk about than us. I was fine with it until I wasn't the center of attention.
“I'll come here to pick you up. At what time, your classes will be over?” He asked. I looked at my watch.
“Today, there are every class. I also have longer breaks so it would be late. I would be done by six pm.” I told him. Jake put a strand of my hair behind my ear, so nonchalantly and spoke.
“Good. I would be practicing until five — thirty. I'll come directly here to pick you up. Call me if anything changes.” He replied. I nodded my head and climbed out of his car. I shut the door and waved goodbye to him. He drove off.
I attended my classes. Every class was an hour long and breaks felt even longer. I was bored out of my mind. I didn't understand why Angela was still not present. She's been on leave for so long and I couldn't even reach her by phone or email. She wasn't answering any of my messages. I was worried that something might have happened to her but I don't even know her address. This college was getting on my nerves. Angela's presence made everything bearable.
I ate my lunch and got back on my classes. Some professors handed out assignments, some gave us the date of our tests and such. By the time it was five thirty, I was almost dying from keeping my eyes half open. One can take only so much in one day.
Finally, all classes were over and I walked to my locker. I opened it up and I stuffed it with my books and stuff. Suddenly a pink envelope got my attention. It was resting on the side. I picked it up. It must be one of the insults that girls were throwing at me. I didn't get those for a very long time, so this one surprised me. I was about to throw it in the bin without looking at it but something made me stop. I opened it and it said, 'For Grace'.
I recognized the weird writing of Angela. My heartbeat spiked up from eagerness and nervousness. I started reading it.
'Grace,
I am leaving this college. Something came up in my family. So I can't continue studying here. I am moving to London and I won't be coming back. I am sorry for not replying to your messages, but I was hurt about you and Jake. I felt betrayed and I was angry. If you're wondering, I am not angry anymore. Or even hurt. Jake and you look good together and I wish you the very best in your life.
I know what you must be wondering. Why am I writing you a letter and not replying to your messages but I just wanted to leave something of significance. It was not a long time with you but it was long enough for me to feel happy about it.
I hope you find this letter and don't throw it away without reading it.
From your friend,
Angela.'
I finished reading this letter and felt a pain in my heart. She left. She left without an actual goodbye. I was dumbfounded. Just a few days ago, she was attending college and suddenly she quit. What happened? Right then, my phone started vibrating. I took it out and saw it was from Jake. I cleared my throat and picked up his phone.
“Where are you? Are you done with your classes?” His voice sounded husky and tired.
“Yeah. I'm just putting my stuff in the locker. I will be right out there.” I replied.
“Okay. I'm waiting outside the college. Hurry up.” He said. I hung up. Putting the letter in a book, I dropped it in my backpack and locked my locker. I hurried outside the college.
Making sure that my face was masked of any trace of sadness. It's not like he hadn't seen it before, but I don't want him to keep seeing me in this position. I walked up to his car, opened the door and climbed in. He looked at me and started driving.
“So how was your day?” He asked.
“It was okay.” I replied without thinking.
“You look tired. Did you eat your lunch?” He asked.
“Yeah.” I replied, again. After that he did not ask me anything. I rolled down the window and let my hair fly with the cold gust of air. Jake didn't stop me from rolling down the window. Road, trees and board signs all flashed into my vision, however I didn't pay any attention towards it. For a few minutes I closed my eyes and let myself feel the wind.
But suddenly, the car came to a halt. I opened my eyes and looked outside. It wasn't my house. Far from it. This place seemed familiar. I snapped my head to the side and realized it was the same place where I came to vent my anger after everyone found out about our relationship.
My side of the door opened and Jake appeared to my side.
“Step out of the car.” He said in a serious voice. I did step out of the car without hesitation. I closed the door. Wind here seemed much colder because of the lake. A chill ran up my spine and I shivered. Jake walked to the hood of his car and leaned against it. I followed him. He didn't say anything for a few seconds. I also remained quiet. I felt him glance towards me then quickly look away before I caught him looking at me completely.
“So, what happened?” Jake asked.