Days have gone by without seeing or hearing from Blake.
Some days I can’t breathe, other days I can put on my nursing coat and some red lipstick and pull my hair into a bun.
I’ve left endless voice notes, made calls to the gym, and every time they would say he is not there. I even went there a few times to only find the gym closed or getting the door shut in my face by Vicky.
I’ve managed to find a gym to train by myself. I will keep my promise, defend myself and honour my mother’s death.
Linda watched me break down in the hallway today after a young girl came into the ED. Her busted lips and swollen black purple eyes. Her veins are swollen to a point where it looks like it’s going to pop from all the ODs.
What was I thinking? Nursing is what I chose to do, but what am I actually doing? So many people outside these walls want this life. They chose to stay a victim, to get beaten and crushed.
How do you go back to what hurt you yesterday? Or broke you into a million pieces to a point where you no longer know what piece fits into what?
I don’t really have answers to all my questions, because I keep running back to my own ghost that’s haunting me every day. I chose to nurse to help people, but it keeps pulling me back to my dark hole every time a young girl gets rolled in an ambulance with broken ribs beaten and she defends her abuser.
How do you make a difference when there is no justice for women that gets abused? Or even a man that thinks they have to be brave and strong. That feels like they have to uphold an image of being brave. What bullshit is that?
My days feel like a waste getting out of bed.
I miss Blake. What was so huge that he had to leave me to keep me safe? Safe from what?
My mind wonders about the good days we had together.
How he made me learn how to fight by using dance technique. I smiled at the thought of it.
Touching my body, pretending he was the one touching me. I closed my eyes in the small space of the toilet and whispered how much I love him and need him. The pain is inevitable. My body feels like it’s going to explode from the pain, the loss of his touch, the smell of his skin, and the way he made me feel by just looking at me.
Even though we’re both broken, we still manage to keep the pieces together by just being there for each other. What made him think he can choose how to keep me safe? We’re I’m nowhere by even being close to safe!
I got pulled out of my thoughts by Linda yelling to switch on the tv.
What in the actual world?
I gasp for air as I watch Blake getting a beat down and he is nowhere to even close to getting out of this one.
He’s opponent got his legs wrapped around him like a snake and with every second, Blakes’s body is getting crushed and the little air he has left is about to vanish.
My heart started raising and my hands sweating.
“Cmon Blake, get out of there. You can do this.” I quietly said while everyone is watching the tv and making sounds like an ooh AAA as Blake tries to get out of the guy’s grip.
“I can’t watch this anymore.” I grab my coat and run out of the lounge.
How will I ever be able to fight myself if I can’t even look at how Blake gets a beat down? Maybe it’s because I still love him? Or maybe it’s because I always had this figure of a man inside my head that no one will ever eat him or hurt me while he is in my life.
“Emily, incoming,” Linda yells when I’m bent over to catch my breath.
“Who is the patient?” I turned my face to look at the ambulance rolling into the ED, and all I see is boxing gloves hanging from the side.
“Nooo, no, no. You can’t make me treat him.” I look at Linda with my heart jumping up and down in my throat, suffocating in my spit.
“You are the only nurse available now. You can do this, Em.” Linda placed gloves in my hand while Dr Downy yells where the nurse was.
“Go, you got this.” I Let out an enormous sigh before entering the room.
“Get him on his side. It looks like internal bleeding to his ribs and a fracture to his collarbone.” I stand frozen while looking at the man that I love. Whom Left me in a hotel room sobbing for days, trying to figure out why he left me? Why did he break my heart?
“Emily now!” Dr Downy yells. I snap out of my stare and rolled him to his side. His back is purple from all the punches and his eyes can barely open with the swelling.
“Em!” he whispered. My eyes turned to his. He can barely breathe or see.
“Em, get out of here. I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Just lay still please,” I said professionally. The last thing I need is for Dr Downy to chase me out of the room because of my history with Blake.
Blake grabbed my hand and Dr Downy looked at m than at Blake. Before I could say anything, Blake crushed and the heart monitor went off.
“Get me a crash card and lower him so I can in rebate.” Dr Downy yells at me, but my entire body went into shock. I can’t move, I can’t even breathe.
I watch the love of my life crashing in front of me, the line that is supposed to show his heart rate dropping, and he is not breathing.
“Emily???” Dr Downy yells and Linda pushes me out of the way to assist Dr Downy.
Blake’s presence is fading in front of me as I walk backwards to leave the room where Dr is yelling and nurses scattering to get a drip in and rebate him on a life-support machine.
I cannot watch this. I cannot lose yet another person I love. Even though we haven’t been together for a while, I do love him. I love him so much that it actually burns the living shit out of me.