"Miss Ciara you’re shaking."
I give the physician a scowl. How in the world is she expecting me to remain motionless? With my legs spread wide and my hands resting on stirrups, I'm laying on the bench with Evans by my side.
Perhaps if Evans and I had just had sex, this would be easier. It raises a heated flush to my face. How come this is even on my mind? I am the kind of girl he would never have sex with. I wouldn't want to, though.
With him, have sex.
How come this is even on my mind?
One blue hospital gown, all bare, is all I have on. Evans's specialness makes this appointment impossible for me to keep him from, but I can't keep him out of the others. I am making mistakes with it.
He hired a less qualified person, which is his problem. I shouldn't do this; perhaps this is a sign.
"Ciara?" Evans looks at me anxiously and asks. His frustration has replaced his anger towards me. He is anxious. I didn't even aware I was perspiring until Evans reaches into his pocket and takes out a tissue to wipe my forehead. "Are you alright?"
Should I follow through on this, will he sue me? All of the equipment is prepared. There's a needle, a camera, and sperm, but that's about all the information I recall from the doctor explaining the process to me. If it weren't me in bed, that would be an interesting thing to watch.
He calls out, "Ciara," with impatience.
I apologize, mumbling under my breath. "A bit anxious, I admit it. Could I please have some water?
Evans answers, "Of course," reaching for the water bottle I picked up in the waiting area.
I answer, "I can do it," feeling a little awkward as he tries to put it to my lips.
He seems slightly ashamed as he answers, "Right." His coat and tie are being undone, and he appears anxious. His feelings are hurtful, but I am unable to stop myself.
The doctor says abruptly, "It's normal to be nervous." It appears that she is in her early thirties. "Take your time and we'll begin when you're ready."
"I’m sorry." Evans, I'm sorry.
He holds his composure. "Apologies are not necessary. I am aware that this is difficult."
"It's just weird."
Half of him smiles. "I’m not going to look at you during it—I'll be looking at the screen." He makes a vow.
"Just the thought of a needle going inside me..."
Reaching for my hand, he surprises me. Evans nods encouragingly to me, hesitating a moment. Closing your eyes is an option. I'll be at this same spot."
Repositioning my head on the bed, I look up at the ceiling and inhale deeply. This is something I must accomplish; I can do it. I have wrote my mother the first check, so it's not like I have an option, plus I lack the funds to reimburse him.
I can cry when I go home because it will only take a few seconds.
I agree, closing my eyes and holding his hand tightly, not sure how much time has passed. "Here I am,"
I close my eyes. That spot down there is a little uncomfortable, but it's simply there and doesn't hurt. I make an effort not to listen when the doctor whispers something to Evans. It's Evans's baby; this is his time. My responsibility is to ensure that he relishes this moment, so I remain silent. Anything to pass the time faster, so I start counting and singing in my brain.
My legs don't seem to be released for hours. My eyes open, and I realize it's over, and I feel a wave of relief.
"Is that it?" Letting go of Evans's hand, which I was unknowingly holding, I inquire. "Sorry."
Flaunting his flawless teeth, he smiles. "It's alright."
"You should take it easy for the next few days," the doctor advises, causing me to sit up a little lightheaded. The pregnancy test is scheduled for a few weeks from now. Remind yourself that it's normal for the insemination to fail on the first try, but everything went perfectly, so everything should be fine. If you don't become pregnant, don't worry.
Evans shakes her hand and thanks her.
"I'm happy to." I catch her eye. "Remember to take it easy and lay down for a short while." A few weeks from now, see you both."
"Dear Ciara, thank you. I am aware that you found this challenging. Unable to contain his grin, he remarks.
Whoa. Indeed, he is content. I shake my head, attempting to smile, then look at him like a stupid person. "You seem happy, so I guess it was worth it," I concede, even though it wasn't.
Clearly a little embarrassed, he smiles sheepishly. Looking at it was incredibly fascinating. Individuals discover they are expecting, but they don't consider the incredible science that makes it possible, do they?
My head nods. "I do, and for that reason I wish to work as a nurse during childbirth."
"Indeed?"
"The development of babies has always fascinated me." I give a shrug. It's likely that I will now experience it as well. Nevertheless, I understand why it might be difficult to accept it—I always act like such a baby.
He looks at me amusedly and asks, "So you're not going to freak out on me?"
I acknowledge that every five minutes, I have an internal freakout.
Evans quips, "I can envision."
His smile and joke-telling look so...offbeat. I find myself wondering if this was his normal demeanor before he was abandoned at the altar. Anything akin to that could turn someone into a more somber, frightening individual.
"How is your father doing?"
A little taken aback by the question, I respond, "He's good." His condition has significantly improved since receiving the necessary valve transplant.
"Leaving your family behind must be difficult."
Putting the pillows behind my back, he quickly assists me when I attempt to sit up more. Gratitude. Additionally, my family and I have always been close.
His laugh is stifled. I rarely get to see my family, who live fifteen minutes away from me, how ironic.
How come not? Reluctant to go too far, I ask.
Frankly, I have no idea. While my brothers are just as busy as I am, my mother always asks me questions that I don't want to respond to. My sister is the only person with whom I maintain contact.
Does she have knowledge of your pregnancy? Who in your family knows?
"No,"
"They will inquire about too much."
He grinning. "Yes, exactly."
"Evans, a baby cannot be hidden."
He says with a frown, as though he hasn't given it much thought, "I'll have to tell them eventually." What made him choose to become a single father and have a child on his own? I do understand him, though, in some small way. Our motivations for acting in certain ways differ from each other. My family is the reason I'm doing this, while his is for his own benefit. Non-existence does not imply inferiority.Both have repercussions, too. Whatever the case may be.
It's only better for us both, I can only hope.