"Mmng! How delicious... Theo, you're the best."
Nayun's voice sounded muffled by the last bite she was still chewing with pleasure. She closed her eyes for a moment, as if trying to keep the taste in for longer, and smiled with her lips still full. Her face conveyed an almost childlike satisfaction, the kind that only appears when the whole body relaxes, surrendered to a moment of pure coziness.
We were sitting at the kitchen table, immersed in a morning calm that seemed suspended in time. The soft sunlight came through the lacy curtain on the window, drawing wavy patterns on the light wooden tabletop. The aroma of freshly baked cheese rolls spread through the room like a warm hug, mingling with the soft, comforting scent of fresh coffee that was still steaming in our glazed ceramic mugs.
The table was set with almost ceremonial care: the white tablecloth with gray edges gave it an elegant but welcoming look. Small jars of homemade raspberry and blackberry jam rested next to the glass butter dish. And in the center, reigning gracefully, the porcelain teapot that Nayun loved so much, painted with delicate blue flowers on the edges. She used to say that it "looked like a grandmother's house", and maybe that's why she insisted on using it even for a simple coffee on a Tuesday.
Nayun was already on her third cheese bread, or was it her fourth? I had lost count, enchanted by watching her. She savored each bite as if it were a new experience.
Her cheeks were slightly flushed, perhaps from the warmth of the tea she was drinking, perhaps from sincere happiness. She leaned back in the wooden chair with a dreamy air, as if that simple breakfast was the definition of home.
"I'm very lucky to have such an incredible boyfriend..."
She said with a mischievous smile, resting her chin on her hands.
"I get to eat delicious food every day, hehe!"
I let out a short laugh and arched an eyebrow, feigning exaggerated indignation:
"So you mean I'm only amazing because of the things I make you eat?"
She blinked slowly, as if pondering the answer, and made a dramatic gesture with her hand before answering with an affected intonation:
"Uh? Of course not... That's just one of the many good points my boyfriend has."
I crossed my arms, leaning back in my chair with a playful smile on my lips.
"Oh, several! And negative ones? Are there any?"
She put a finger to her chin, thoughtfully, as if she really was drawing up a mental list. Then she snapped her fingers, triumphantly:
"Narcissistic, convinced and womanizing..."
She listed with half-closed eyes, but her tone was provocative and full of charm.
"There are others, but I can't remember at the moment..."
I coughed theatrically, almost choking on my coffee. She let out a hearty laugh, the kind that makes your eyes close and your shoulders shake.
"Puss! Cof! Cof! Wow, I'm a womanizer? Since when does that happen?"
She gave me an amused look over the rim of her mug as she stretched out her arm and unceremoniously took mine. She took a sip as if she owned it, and me perhaps, still smiling mischievously.
"There are things that only we women understand, Theo."
She spoke with a quiet, almost casual tone, but with that cunning glint in her eyes.
"And I would certainly notice if my boyfriend was being... a little too friendly with other girls."
The way she said "too friendly" came loaded with sweet sarcasm, and she raised an eyebrow, as if to defy any attempt on my part to retort. She gently put the mug back, then leaned her chin on her hands, looking at me like someone who sees through the soul, or at least like someone who has a lot of fun teasing.
I stared at her, with various thoughts running through my head. My eyes roamed over her face, that mischievous half-smile she gave when she knew she had won the conversation. She was clever when she wanted to be, ironic, beautiful, and yet...
Was now a good time to tell? Was now the time to tell her? About my almost secret desire to have a harem? About the fact that, yes, although I was completely in love with her, there were other girls who also aroused something in me, curiosity, admiration... Desire?
I'd planned to talk about it another time. Perhaps in a more neutral setting. Perhaps with more preparation, more tact, more courage. But if she herself touched on this topic, albeit ironically, wouldn't it be a good time to at least plant some seeds? Some roots?
Maybe it wasn't time to open the whole box, but what if I left the lid ajar?
I took a deep breath.
My mind was full of hypothetical scenarios: her getting up and throwing the porcelain teapot at the wall... or laughing, thinking it was another one of my crooked jokes... or simply saying nothing as she got up and left...
Or maybe... just maybe... She listened.
But there, in that split second between what I was thinking and what I was about to say, everything felt wrong. My stomach churned. The words started to form in my throat, but they stuck as if they knew that, once said, there would be no turning back.
'Oh man... I'm a true bastard.'
I have such a beautiful girl by my side. Beautiful in a way that's not even about looks. Beautiful when she smiles, in the way she holds her mug with both hands like it's something precious. Beautiful when she talks to me in that impatient voice that is nonetheless full of affection. Beautiful when she talks about her brother or the things she likes. Beautiful even when she's angry.
About to tell my girlfriend...
That I'm into other girls.
That part of me, a part I can't bury, wants more. Not for lack of love. Or whatever. And that makes me feel like the villain in my own story. Like someone who has everything, but wants more.
Guilt hit me like a cold wave in the chest. My gaze fell to the table, to the crumbs of cheese bread and the edge of the tablecloth. I wondered how many men before me had ruined good things with misplaced words, unresolved desires. How many had been too honest at the wrong time.
But I've always hated lies, it may be hypocritical to say that, I know, but I'd hate even more to turn into someone who needs to hide what they feel in order to maintain a comfort that, however much I love it, isn't complete. I don't plan on cheating on her and then telling her about it.
I looked at her again.
Maybe she already knew there was something wrong with me, something about the way I treated Yeonha and sometimes Hazuki.
After all, what man with a girlfriend goes around baring his teeth at other girls? Laughing too easily, dropping too many innocent compliments, looking away just a second longer than he should?
Maybe she was just waiting.
Maybe she knew all along.
My voice came out lower than I expected.
"There's something I need to tell you..."