Chapter 61: The truth
"You're so lonely, Ruby." Merri told her niece. The three year old girl did not seem to be paying attention as she played with her grass doll. Merrigold was doing her niece's hair. She flinched here and there but anything to pass time. The sun was hardly ever out but on that day it was surprisingly...
"It would be nice to have some mates to play with around your age wouldn't it?" Merrigold said thoughtfully.
Oh God.
I'm losing my mind.
I can not keep them, I can not.
She was thinking about it again.
Ruby responded with some incoherent mumbling. Merrigold smiled. "If they do turn out to be boys, they'd be bullies like their father. I'm afraid for you, Ruby." Merri could only think of Austin's toxic attitude and how he handled himself. She would personally rather not have to deal with him for the rest of her life. If she did it sounded like a long life of pain and misery. She could never imagine herself loving anything that she had made with that...man. He made her feel nauseous. A whiff of his cologne, the mere sight of him made her reevaluate her life. Every time she did, her first thoughts were she did not want to be here. She had never asked to meet someone like him. Her life was so perfect...before him. It would never be that way again.
Ruby grinned with her baby teeth, they were adorable. Straight as could be and small. Merri assumed it was the pregnancy that was making her view everything in a beautiful sense. Ruby grinned as if she understood what her aunt was saying.
"I've always had a brother to look out for me suppose they could be that for you. Wouldn't it be nice to have two brothers? Huh Ruby."
"...then we go, dada and mama—" Ruby replied stuttering a bit. For the first time Merri genuinely smiled. Ruby seemed to be thinking about her own things. In many ways Merri was glad Ruby was not paying attention or old enough to remember that she even had an aunt who committed suicide because she was pregnant and could not emotionally handle the changes that were suddenly happening in her life. She felt trapped, so this was it? She'd live for the rest of her life this way? No way out. Having to see him every single day and pretend everything is okay? She could not do it. She would never be able to do it.
"I wish they weren't his... I wish it was Thomas. He would make a great father." Merrigold added, braiding the little girl's hair. It helped her calm down in many ways.
"What was I thinking Ruby...? I should have never left with him for Manchester. That was my biggest mistake and here I am." Merri added, Ruby mumbled some incoherent words as if she understood and they were having a conversation.
"Do not fall inlove with men who sleek their hair back and smoke cigarettes as a daily bread."
Ruby nodded vigorously then she muttered. "...pumkin..."
"Yes? I agree too."
Sucking in her breath. She could not ignore her growing stomach, it was distracting. It was becoming an inconvenience.
"Whatever it maybe, I agree as well." Austin added coming to sit with her on the porch swing. Ruby was sitting on Merrigold's lap. Austin sat beside her, keeping the swing going in motion. "You're really good with kids."
Merrigold felt nauseous as if her body had labeled his cologne as danger. It reminded her of her trauma. It was intoxicating and having him beside her made her very uncomfortable.
"I suppose..." She muttered. Ruby was suddenly quiet. The only thing Ruby could see was a white man. She had never been bothered before but her parents and people around her had instilled this fear in her. She shifted in her place away from Austin, she gave him the side eye and hung onto her grass doll.
"Hello little one." Austin said trying to hold her hand but Ruby moved away clinging onto her aunt.
"She is a shy one isn't she." Austin chuckled.
"No, she simply does not take a liking to you. They say kids can tell if a person is good or bad from a mile away."
Austin awkwardly retreated his hand.
"All I wanted to say was you'd make a good mother. I saw you from inside and..." Austin awkwardly smiled. "I just—" he stuttered. "You're beautiful."
Merrigold remained quiet. "I wish I was not, because it seems 'beautiful' people according to you get raped."
"...I'm sorry..."
"I do not feel too well, your cologne irks me. May you please stay away from me unless you want me to throw up on your shoes..."
"You've been awfully sick for weeks now. I'm concerned."
"No, I'm only repulsed by your presence."
"I could change my cologne..."
"I'd ask you stay away from me but I know that will never happen. I won't bother saying it."
"...I can not stay away from you...even if I tried."
Merrigold turned to look at him. "Do you try hard enough? Or just enough to say you tried?"
Austin remained quiet.
"There, all done. You look very pretty Ruby."
"...can I see?" Ruby jumped off her lap touching her hair with a subtle grin.
"It's very pretty Ruby." Austin added. Merrigold cringed as Ruby backed away from him. The little girl's smile changed almost immediately.
"She doesn't like you. I don't blame her not after you threatened to sell her off if I did not give you my virginity. Kids can sense bad toxic people." Merrigold told him. Austin bit his bottom lip. "Ruby go check in the house..." she immediately ran off leaving Austin and Merrigold alone. The silence was intense. Merrigold used her hands to cover her belly regardless of wearing an oversized coat as if it was the worst winter yet.
"You know...uhm let me tell you a story."
"...no please..."
"About the first time, I met you."
Merrigold heaved a loud sigh. "And you thought yes, this one, Perfect this is the one I want torture and ruin for everyone?"
Austin chuckled at her sarcasm. "No, I did not think. I was afraid because for the first time I felt something unrelated to sexual attraction."
"Good for you." Merrigold smiled standing up to leave but Austin held her back. She groaned, sitting back. He laid his arm around her shoulder. She felt uncomfortable.
"Hear me out?"
"No, Master Austin. What do you want to gain from all this? I'm tired! I'm tired of everything to do with you. I'm tired of everything, I'm just tired... of this constant cycle."
"You do not have to call me that."
"I'd appreciate if you were a tad bit straight forward. Perhaps in this manner. 'Hello Merri, I would like us to engage in sex as of now.' Mind you I'm not removing my clothes, you just have to do it th—"
"Calm down!"
"Then why are you here?"
"Am I not allowed to simply talk with you?" Austin questioned a little hurt.
"No, I have nothing to say but you're welcome to do all the talking while I pretend to listen."
"Merrigold, please..."
Her tears started to fall. She quickly wiped them away. "You will not allow me to leave, you will not allow me to work and get my mind off everything, you will not allow me to be alone...I feel suffocated!"
"Is that any reason to cry? I swear I do not know you anymore..." he mumbled.
"You've never known me, quit pretending you did or do." She said wiping more tears. She hated being emotion especially in front of him. "I have to go check on Ruby."
"Of course." He replied a little weary.
As Merri walked away. "Hey Merri..?" He called. She turned back giving him a spiteful look.
"I love you."
"Seek help."
"I'm not good with words...but uh all I know is I love you Merrigold."
"...oh God, this imbecile..." Merri said under her breath. Still afraid that he'd suddenly change and beat her to a pulp. From inside Austin's mother was listening. She was astounded and suddenly suspicious of Merrigold. After Austin's sister had denied being pregnant. Mrs Cunningham was sure Merrigold was pregnant. It explained her odd behavior. She was expecting, her son's child/ren.