Hurt by Jacobs's words, I somehow feel played and cheated. Someone told me that if he cared, he wouldn't have minded the long-distance relationship. I understand his point of view. Not everyone likes long-distance relationships but, I'm not ready to admit the truth.
I'm not ready to lose to life again. I wanted to prove to myself that there's nothing wrong with me. I wanted to show myself that I was and am more than I always thought, but now, there's just no point.
I mean, as much as it seems like I have a perfect life, I don't. My family is normal. I've got parents who fight sometimes, a little sister that can be an angel and then a pest in the next minute, my dad isn't all that rich but he tries his very best to satisfy us all (an amazing dad). I'm an average student despite being kind of a nerd, and so much more.
I'm just like any teenage girl. I see my friends get loving boyfriends and I'm left with hurting heartbreaks. I know there's more to life than being in a relationship but, I don't just want one.
I was in search of someone to prove to me that I also am capable of being loved and that I haven't been jinxed, but that never happened. All my life as a teenager I've learned one thing perfectly. To fake it till I make it.
I guess I'm not meant to find love or maybe love is hopefully somewhere waiting for me. Perhaps it's even nearby but I'm too broken to see or notice it.
Now I'm in a new state, a new school, and with new friends. It's never been hard for me to make friends and the same applies here, but in the end, deep in this enthusiastic and charismatic, silly, lousy, young teenage girl, lays a broken heart longing for love.
I am longing for love but I've also given up. I've chosen to focus on the big things in my life now. My singing, dancing, drawing, and a bunch of other side attractions I have.
Maybe I wasn't made to find love now. Maybe I was made to spend this time understanding what love and hurt truly mean. So someday I would know what I want from a relationship and how to handle awaiting hurt.
If there's one thing I'd thank Senior school for, it's turning me into who I am today, alongside breaking me, it thought me a lot. How to deal with confusion between boys, believe in me, handle betrayal, rivalry, separations and so much more.
Senior School didn't just make me a broken girl. It made me an experienced broken girl.
Yes, there are times I miss Jacob and I still did low-key miss and like Victor too, but Jacob was much more. He was unique. Out of pain and hurt, I made the relationship between Jacob and me quite toxic and I regret that. Now we don't even talk anymore.
However, I still chat with Victor and I guess he is a better person now. We are even friends now. Not super close tho. But close enough I think... Lol.
I guess the only mistake I made was instead of making myself love me, I made myself 'Hate Me'.
I have just one thing to say to whoever is reading this;
Whatever you do in life, don't feel bad or sore because of other people. The only thing that matters is that you don't Hate yourself in the process.
Don't be like me who made my self 'Hate Me'
Be me who made myself
'Love Me.
Now I'm done with Senior School. I still haven't found love and my adventure still goes on. I'm hoping to get into college soon and begin another journey, but trust me, when some spicy drama begins to unfold again in my life, you'd be the first to know.
Till we meet again, don't forget to NEVER hate yourself. You need to LOVE yourself first before you can find love.