As they peeked through the bushes, they laid eyes on something so bizarre, so cosmically deranged, it felt like their sanity got pantsed by reality itself.
In a sunlit clearing, an elegant forest nymph leaned back against a glowing tree, her back arched, hair flowing like ivy, and not a single stitch on her flawless body. Her fingers moved rapidly between her thighs, her perky nipples stiff like they were saluting the gods of lewdness.
Directly across from her, squatting on a mossy log like some unhinged forest gremlin, was a flat-chested elf girl—no pants, no shame—furiously going to town on herself with crazed dedication in her eyes.
Both of them stared each other down like it was a pervert’s duel at high noon.
The elf grunted, "You call that form? I’ve seen slimes do better!"
The nymph snarled back, "And I’ve seen squirrels with more stamina than you! Pick up the pace, twig tits!"
Finn watched, wide-eyed, entranced. "...I don’t know what’s happening, but I think... I think my life finally has meaning."
Majestria blinked at him, arms crossed. "We’re literally watching two girls get off to each other."
Finn’s eyes watered. "God is real."
The contest raged on until the nymph shuddered and let out a loud, "Ahhh~"—legs shaking as she squirted like a broken sprinkler. She collapsed to her knees, panting.
"Hah! You lost the moment you sat down and challenged me!" the elf cackled, hopping down from the log triumphantly.
"Damn you!" the nymph snapped. Then she noticed Finn and Majestria in the bushes, gasped in horror, covered her chest, and bolted into the woods like a scandalized deer.
The elf raised an eyebrow. "Eh? Why’s she running? Must’ve been humiliated... heh." She turned—then froze.
Her eyes locked with Finn’s.
Finn awkwardly stood up. "Now, now—it’s not what it looks like. We just heard some weird noises and thought someone might be—"
The elf’s breath hitched. Her ears twitched.
She was... surprisingly cute, in a feral, unwashed way. Short mint-green hair that looked like it was dyed with enchanted moss, emerald eyes with slit pupils, and ears so long they could pick up satellite signals.
She wore a ripped forest-green crop top with one missing sleeve, her smooth stomach on full display. The remaining sleeve dangled with useless decorative leaves like a discount cosplay. Her cleavage? Completely nonexistent. Her cloak—stitched from rabbit pelts—hung off one shoulder like she was doing slutty survivalist cosplay. Her leather boots were somehow still intact.
And of course, she was still completely pantsless.
A glowing thorn choker wrapped around her neck pulsed as she stared at Finn, panting.
’What the fuck?’ Finn blinked, looking her up and down. ’She’s actually... kind of hot? Like a degenerate Pinterest board.’
Then her legs began to spread—trembling, like she was presenting herself to him.
Finn’s eyes widened. "Oh my—"
"WHAT is going on?!" Majestria popped up from the bushes and looked back and forth between them. Her expression twisted into disgust as her gaze met the elf girl’s.
The elf’s breath quickened. Her collar glowed brighter.
Finn raised his hands. "Hey, hey—uh, maybe just... put some pants on and we can talk this out?"
"No way! She was just diddling herself at a forest nymph!" Majestria shouted, forming an X with her arms like she was casting away sin. "That’s unholy. That’s anti-holy. That’s like... horrid."
The elf scurried away, leapt back over her mossy log, and emerged moments later wearing low-rise leather shorts that laced up the sides with vines—barely qualifying as clothing. As she walked, they rode up in a way that defied physics.
Both Finn and Majestria stared in stunned silence.
Strapped to her belt... was a carved wooden dildo.
Finn immediately took a step back. ’This woman is a freak!’
Majestria tilted her head. "What is that... attached to your belt?"
The elf glanced down at it, then back up. "That’s my mana staff."
"I’ve never seen a staff shaped like—"
"THAT’S A WOODEN DILDO!!" Finn screamed.
"What’s a dildo?" Majestria asked innocently.
"Wow," the elf said, blinking. "You sure have a filthy imagination. That’s kind of perverted, don’t you think?"
Finn stared at her in stunned silence. "What the hell are you even saying right now..."
He marched forward, ignoring every brain cell that begged him to turn back. The elf backed up, breath catching again—like she expected to be ravished at any moment.
Finn reached out. "What’s your name?"
The elf looked down at his hand, then up at his face. Her voice trembled as she reached out and softly moaned, "I-It’s Lickthorn Lewdwood..."
’Did she just MOAN?! And her hand’s so soft... oh my god. Wait. What the hell did she just say her name was!?’ Finn’s brain started short-circuiting from horniness and disbelief.
Then Majestria shoved the elf aside and stepped between them. "Okay, that’s enough."
The elf scowled, her gaze dropping to Majestria’s chest. Her expression twisted in disgust. She clutched her own flat chest defensively. "Don’t think you’re special just because you’ve got boobs, cow."
Majestria blinked. "What?"
Lickthorn snapped: "You know what I’m talking about! Don’t act all high and mighty just because you’ve got cow utters!"
Majestria blinked. She looked down at her boobs, then at Lickthorn’s tragically flat chest. She casually cupped her own and smirked. "Ohhh, I see now. You’re just jealous of what I have that you don’t."
The elf gasped like she’d been slapped. "I am not! I just hate people like you—walking around thinking you’re everything just because of what jiggles when you move!"
Finn jumped in, trying to de-escalate. "Well, I don’t think being flat is bad. I think it looks good on some girls. Like you."
’It’d be better if she was a big boob elf girl, but I’ll take what I got here.’
Lickthorn froze. Majestria blinked in disbelief. "Are you serious?—"
Before she could finish, the elf launched herself at Finn like a horny jungle cat.
"THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" she squealed, legs wrapping around him, chest smushing into his face as she rubbed side to side like a dog marking territory.
Finn stumbled back, nearly dropping the box. But he didn’t resist. In fact, he just stood there like a man on the brink of spiritual enlightenment.
Majestria immediately ripped the elf off of him. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! That’s enough! We are leaving. Now."
"W-Wait! You can’t just leave me here!" the elf scrambled up, desperate. "Take me with you!"
Finn didn’t respond. His brain had blue-screened. Sensory overload. Critical system failure.
Majestria glanced between him and the elf. "Yeah, no. Look at him. He’s broken. He doesn’t want you to come."
She grabbed his shirt collar and started dragging him away like a war-scarred ragdoll. "And stay away from him!"
The elf stumbled after them, flailing. "You can’t just take him from me! He found me for a reason! He’s my soul-sniffer!"
Majestria didn’t even look back. She just walked faster.