Killian didn't want to let go of her. That precious little moment that held him and her right there was just too tainted for Samantha to ever let go. But he had to.
As soon as he removed his fingers from her face, her eyes widened even more. Her eyes first showed incomprehension, then disbelief. The dangerousness of his words and the ambiguity in them. Sam was too intelligent not to understand and too trusting to really trust her conclusions. He must have imagined it.
For a brief moment he had actually succumbed to the mistaken belief that she could feel the same way he did. For a brief moment he had imagined how his advances would be met with approval. In fact, that was just wishful thinking. She hadn't understood what she had done until now, and now that she was beginning to realize it, she took a step back and pulled away from him.
He would have liked to reach for her again and pull her to him, but the stunned Samantha managed an uninhibited and not very believable smile and murmured something about showering before she dived past him and disappeared into the bathroom.
God damn shit! What was he thinking, betraying her trust like that and catapulting it to a level that was beyond inappropriate for a brother? He was a complete idiot. She'd just lost her mother, if she needed anything, it was someone she could safely lean on for the comfort she needed and not a guy who would take advantage of her momentary weakness to get closer to her.
On the other hand, what should he have thought? She'd looked at him, following him while he changed his clothes, and he'd succumbed to the idea that she might like what she saw. As a woman. To prove it, she blushed bashfully, as if at that moment she had understood exactly what he had probably been struggling with for months: If they weren't siblings, then there would be more between them. If they weren't siblings and if it weren't for this alliance.
He had never been more aware of that than in the last few hours. But fate was a nasty little bitch and so the perfect woman had been put right in front of him as a little sister. So close and yet somehow unreachable. And even if... Your well-being was paramount. Always. Regardless of what he wanted or didn't want.
The looks he had felt had not been an expression of desire, but of fascination because of his tattoos. Her blush just shame at his nudity and everything else he read into her actions, reflecting the undeniable depth to which he was in the mess. Eventually those feelings could get him into even bigger shit. Not only could he lose Samantha, but he could also lose her chance to make something of her life. Her future, his priority and with it the alliance that was supposed to make this possible for her and that he didn't want to think about or be reminded of. Another secret he would have to tell her at some point. Sometime. That didn't mean today.
Frustrated and emotionally on the low end of the spectrum, Killian clenched his hands as he continued to dress, ignoring the sound of the shower imposing the image of Samantha's naked body on him. He would have preferred to flee the apartment to get the distance he needed. Because once he succumbed to the madness that she might want it, it might happen again. And that would make him forget his inhibitions and do things to her that he never wanted to do to her.
It could only be his father's insanity, he was sure of that, and before it would drive him to harm Sam, Killian would kill himself. He swore to himself. And yet... It tingled in his fingers to treat her like he had treated every woman he had liked until now: harass, seduce and make her realize that he wasn't the huge bastard she made him out to be held at the beginning. At least until the women learned that deep down he was and left him - or he pushed them away so as not to be left. Samantha was the only one he really accepted in his life. Because she accepted him - with all his quirks and flaws.
She hadn't despised him for dropping out of school or when he was in juvenile detention. And she wouldn't despise him either when she found out what he actually did for a living. But for her, he wished for something better. A good education, an honest job, and above all, a man who would love her as she deserved and as was right. A man who would never exist, because Killian didn't fool himself: He would never accept any guy by her side, because madness told him that Samantha was his alone.
There was a knock on the door and the moment of musing was over before he could even take a step towards the entrance. Kristal entered his apartment as if it were her own, not even offering a polite word to her boss, and balancing two large serving plates of pancakes to the kitchenette.
"Thanks Kristal," Killian said, drawing only a snort of disdain from the middle-aged woman. No one would ever fail to notice that she didn't like him, but if you were being honest, nobody really liked Kristal. Whatever somehow made her charm if you liked rough, grumpy characters. But nobody in the club really took offense at this surly personality either.
Although Kristal kept alienating everyone, she was with her delicate five-foot-tall, the funny, jumping light blonde Curly hair and a frown was someone who was considered cute rather than actually grumpy, yet Killian sometimes felt like she was desperate to earn the title.