Once back home I was in no mood to talk. I was scared of closing my eyes. The image of gushing blood from every part of her body would be etched in my mind forever. I will never be able to erase it. I remembered Manto and recalled all our past conversations. However, what I could recollect was a permanent frown on her face. During our short time together, I realized that I had never seen her smiling or laughing. She was always silent, pretending to be a part of us while never being one. It dawned on me that she looked depressed even on the most cheerful occasions for the first time.
Depression was so real, maybe she was suffering from it. All of us should have been more aware of her mental health and enquired about her well-being. But we were always busy worrying about work and the stories of the world, then the people around us. We had collectively failed her. And, I had a larger role to play, since she did ask for help from me which I could not offer.
Bua was noticing my unease and the inability to rest.
"Is something bothering you?" Bua's enquiry though not welcome made me happy that someone was looking out for me when I was sad.
"Nope, I am just...tired, I guess."
"Are you...and that guy from your office...seeing each other?" It wasn't surprising to hear since she saw Agam dropping me home again tonight.
"No!" I contradicted this opinion vehemently.
"Your actions and words speak two different stories." She uttered confidently.
"I am agitated and cannot sleep because I saw my friend dying today," Bua was aghast and her mouth shot open at my honest declaration. "...not because I am in love. And he dropped me totally out of concern of not losing my head over it."
Bua came closer to me, sensing my vulnerable state and held me close.
"I am sorry. What happened?"
I was scared of letting her know she committed suicide nonetheless I came out clean to her. "She jumped off from the top floor of the office. She committed suicide." And I broke down for the umpteenth time in the day recalling Manto's death.
"What is with you kids and thoughts of dying at the drop of a hat? Everything is so wrong with you people. And the easiest thing now for you all is to blame mental health and depression. You guys just don't want to take any responsibility. If you try to be happy, you will always be."
"It isn't in the head. Mental health and depression are real things that plague every one of us."
"Your generation is selfish. Always thinks about themselves first, there is no priority for the emotions and loss of the family by your stupid actions." She dismissed my argument completely.
"Bua you won't understand the pressure that each one of us lives through. No one can understand it. It's sad but we have internalized it because your generation makes no effort to understand us."
"We make no effort. Abhilasha, how much effort your mother must have put in to understand your need to move out of the city to work. You live miles away from your father who constantly thinks about your safety. And look at me, this old hag, who tries to accept your late-night work hours every day and lets you be. Don't talk rubbish and don't give me you don't understand our struggles. That's dramatics."
"Bua, I totally get your worry but have you wondered about the worry of 20-year-olds like me. The constant pressure to make a career, do well, earn well, live life well, and then there is the extra pressure on girls of my age...to settle down well, behave well, endless pursuits to ensure we fit into the compartments prescribed to us by the society."
This conversation was not going to yield any productive results. I knew I could not continue to hit my head on the wall. It was fruitless.
"Bua let's talk tomorrow. I am too worked up to make sense to you. Let's drop this." A truce was the only way to not hurt bua and get in the line of her ire.
A beep was enough to distract both of us.
"Who is messaging you at this hour?"
"Let me check."
'Manto is going to be cremated at Vile Parle. The time isn't confirmed yet. Police are yet to hand over the body after the post mortem.' I read.
Bua's dry cough was an indication that she wouldn't budge unless I divulged the details. I told her every bit that was conveyed in the message, however, she wasn't going to be satisfied until I named the person. Agam, I believe, would be a permanent name that my bua's ears would have to get accustomed to. She took a deep breath.
"If you're into some..."
"Good night bua." I did not let her complete and drove her away.
I quickly messaged a thank you to Agam wondering if it would be better to skip work than altogether go to the funeral from the office. I took a leave, sure that no one would miss my absence.
-x-x-x-x
I was surprised to find that none of the interns came to Manto's funeral. Mansi made a brief appearance and left after offering her condolences to her parents while Rasik dropped in as a representative of the company than anything else. Judging by the calm and cool composure of Mr and Mrs Singh as their only daughter went up in flames, I could feel a sense of weirdness creeping up my spine. I cannot deny they were grieving their only child but it was...I could not pin my mind to anything in particular but I kept on feeling something at odds.
I went up to them only when the rest had left. I greeted them. They acknowledged my presence with a nod.
"I used to work with Manto..." was the route I took. Though a clumsy start, they were too occupied to notice.
"Can I talk with you...anytime later?"
Manto's mother gave me a weak smile. "We are leaving for home the day after tomorrow. And thank you for coming. Maybe some other time."
I wanted to pester her but I couldn't. I offered my condolences, folded my hands as expected and got out of their sight. Frustrated, I just stood looking at the burning pyre. Soon it will all come to ashes, just like the cause of her death, all smoke with no fire. The burning urge or guilt within me egged me to find out the truth. Since last night I couldn't get it out of my head that she had termed Rasik a skirt chaser. A day before her death she was with him throughout chasing Sanaya. I wouldn't get my peace until I found answers.
I could only request her parents to talk but I knew Agam was the right person to persuade them to open up. I was ready to push my luck before resigning to Agam's help. I was left with no option but to trust him to move forward.
I typed him a message hurriedly.
"Can we meet? Need to talk about Manto."
His reply though not immediate conveyed his eagerness to find out.
"Meet for lunch?" This was not what I had in mind.
"I am on leave. When do you get over today?" I asked him.
"Bombay Canteen at 2?"
"Not possible," I typed back. "At Vile Parle Crematorium."
"I will post you the time and place sometime. In a meeting. Don't disturb."
I felt puzzled by my behaviour around him. It was driving me crazy. I was taking a huge step forward in trusting. I will quickly have to learn and unlearn multiple things to survive this entire ordeal. My black and white approach would not be useful. I will have to broaden my horizon.
What I thought was aeons of waiting time, was just ten minutes. He messaged me back to join him at an eatery in Andheri. I googled my way. It wasn't far from the crematorium. I reached before Agam could. It wasn't anything fancy. In fact, it was a small south Indian restaurant brimming with people, cursing jovially to get their food before their lunchtime was over.
I got engrossed in their menu from the word go. They had 60 different types of dosa to offer with ten different chutneys and the price...was affordable. I was still looking for the best option to savour when Agam came and took a seat next to me instead of opposite me.
"What is there to study?" He smirked. "Just order." He ordered a regular masala dosa while I continued my perusal of the menu card to find something that met my eclectic taste. Finally, I settled for a Chinese noodles garlic schezwan cheese dosa. He disapproved of my choice.
"Really!"
"Whatever," I shrieked in response. I didn't want this to be about my food choices.
"Why didn't you come to the funeral?" I was direct.
"Why should I?" His response was blunt.
"Because I thought..." I didn't have to offer a reason.
"What did you want to talk about Manto?" He was bang on point wasting not much time.
"Oh! Yes. So, I went to the funeral and tried talking to his parents but they refused. I mean it's odd."
"What's odd? They are grieving and still coming to terms with their loss. They don't know you, how do you expect them to open up and talk to a stranger? You know what...don't give too much onus to yourself?
I couldn't believe this was the man who found it odd for Manto to take her life on the office premises yesterday. This was the man who comforted me, soothed me last evening. Did this man have some disorder or he shifted his stance as per convenience? I wanted to snub but I refrained.
"Listen I have to be somewhere, I hope you have called me here for a good reason."
I was getting impatient and losing my wits. I blamed it on my hunger and hoped the dosa to cure me off.
"Manto was scared of Rasik, like really scared. And when I joined she specifically told me that he was a skirt chaser. It was sort of a warning to be careful around him."
"And how is this helpful?" He enquired while continuing to eat his dosa.
"Ummm...don't you see the connection? I have a hunch that there is more to it than what meets the eye."
"You have a hunch?" And he laughed not believing a word from me. "Do you think this is a crime thriller where you get the chance to play detective?"
I looked up at him to see his eyes filled with rage and some unknown emotion. "You are really stupid and insane." His words were scathing and insulting.
"To hell with you." I stood up fuming. "I was totally wrong in hoping I could trust you to help me get me a chance to talk to his parents. But no thanks, I will manage." I said getting up to leave. He tugged my wrist and made me sit. "Eat." He commanded.
"I have no appetite," I replied scornfully.
"Don't waste food." His eyes had gone soft and beseeching in seconds.
"If it helps you, Rasik is the right-hand man and the nephew of the Chief Minister of Maharashtra."
I gasped. "It's not as simple as you think. So. Forget it." And he was back to the demanding and haughty man.
I left not knowing what to do and how to go about it. I was deflated. Of all the permutations and combinations of situations I came up with, I realized going against Rasik would be the death of my career. Putting up a fight with no concrete proof would spell out consequences I couldn't even imagine. It was time to bid farewell to Manto and move on. She was gone. If Manto was seeing me at this moment she would have realized I was never her true friend.