Zenovia
I barely recalled when Maksimillian carried me to the couch where he cuddled me. I was seated sideways on his lap, leaning against him. We were both still naked. One side of my face rested on his chest, and his arms were around me.
I was like drugged by him, and I spilled everything to him. “My father cheated on my mum since I was seven,” I began, listening to the strong and steady beating of his heart.
Somehow, it made me feel something indiscernable at the moment. Maybe this was too intimate for me? It should frighten me, but still, I continued to speak.
“My mum didn’t know he already has a son with another woman during their marriage. It turned out, when I was nine, Mihai was born. When my mother learned about it, they had a huge fight. You can just imagine he already had a five-year-old son when she discovered it. He cheated on her for a long, long time!” I sniffled, tears starting to flow again.
Maks sighed and kissed the crown of my head.
Then, I continued, “It devastated my mum. I was fourteen at the time. I was blinded by everything until then. I thought we had a happy and perfect family.” I sobbed, shoulders shaking, and I felt him caress my arm up and down and kiss my hair. “I thought everything was beautiful like my paintings… My father loved them, you know?” I sniffled but sobbed again. More tears raced down my face. I even wetted Maksimillian’s chest. But he didn’t mind at all. Instead, he embraced me tighter and kissed the crown of my head.
“I’m so sorry to hear it, moye solntse,” he whispered and kissed my forehead.
I blinked fast, trying to clear my eyes from the tears. Maksimillian gently wiped my tears away with his gentle thumb.
“At the time, I so loved painting and thought I could become a famous painter someday, if only I’d pursue my dream and passion. Many thought I would become one. They believed in me and my talent, since I started when I was five.
“But then… my parents divorced. My perfect father was actually not perfect. He was a monster, who betrayed and hurt my mother and me.” I shook my head. It was so hard to speak because of my constricted throat.
“Oh, Zenovia…” he whispered and squeezed me a little.
“It hurt so much that I thought my world crumbled then and there,” I added. “I could see no more beautiful things. Everything was gloomy. My mother kept crying every night that it tore my heart into a million pieces! I can’t even describe how bad it hurt! It’s when I started to hate my father even more. And the rest of the male population. I hate men, Maks!”
He shook his head. “No, you don’t, Zenovia. Don’t say that. You don’t hate me or your brother. Yes, I’m certain that you don’t hate me. You just think you do hate your brother, too, because you were hurt and maybe because he’s the living proof of your father’s betrayal.”
I tried to absorb what he said. I had no words to grasp and throw at him at the moment. Instead, I just cried more.
“If your brother wants to meet you, then I think you should. If he makes such an effort, I believe he loves you, his sister. Don’t take this away from him. I mean, you can’t be so bitter to a kid who’s innocent, can you? I know what you must feel and maybe I don’t really know anything about it, but in my point of view, you’re a good person, Zenovia. You can’t hate your brother. You just think you do because of your father, because of what he did to you and your mum, because you’re just hurting so much. But remember that your brother is a different story. He has no fault in all of this. It wasn’t his choice to be born out of wedlock, and he just wants to have his sister and be loved by her. Can’t you do that?”
I bawled when he said it. Then, his arms went around me once more, squeezing me a little.
“Come on, moye solntse. You don’t really hate men. You just think you do. Look, what if we have a baby and it’s a boy? Don’t tell me you’re going to hate him?”
“Of course not!” I snapped at him and slapped his other shoulder. “I’ll love my baby more than my life, Maks!”
He chuckled. “See?”
He had a point.
I swallowed and sniffled. He cupped my face and wiped my tears with his thumbs while looking into my eyes. He really looked so adorable right now that my heart flipped.
“I have a concern though. It may not be the right time to ask you this, but I have to know, Zenovia.”
I slightly nodded.
Then, he went on, “What if… we’re not going to get pregnant, what will you do?”
I actually went still by this question. It didn’t occur to me, because I always thought it’d be doable. But of course, who was I kidding? There was this possibility that even though I was not on the stage of being infertile yet, there might still be a chance that I won’t get pregnant due to some reasons. Stress could be one. I was already stressed when I found out about the diagnosis. Or what if Maksimillian couldn’t do it in spite of being healthy?
There could be other factors that I couldn’t get pregnant even with this deal, even if we both wanted it. I had to face it.
This was my super sad reality.
My heart became heavier by the minute as I stared at Maksimillian. I didn’t want him to be bound to me, with our deal forever. I couldn’t, could I? He had his own life to live for Pete’s sakes!
“If… I don’t get pregnant—”
“We’ll try again and again,” he cut me off with gentle eyes.
“Maksimillian, you yourself asked me what if I won’t get pregnant,” I pointed out in a firm but low voice.
He smiled and gave my lips a peck. “I know. What do you think if we don’t get pregnant in let’s say a year or two?”
I was horrified to hear it. I didn’t really think that far ahead. I just thought it was just like a month or two. Or maybe a little more than that. But a year or two? That meant something! How stupid was I to bind him in such a deal? I was so selfish and self-centered! I was too engrossed in my own problem that I hadn’t thought about the other party. What if he really couldn’t make me pregnant because I was the problem in the first place?
“Maksimillian,” I started.
“I’m up for it. I don’t care how long it’ll take for you to get pregnant, if you do get pregnant—”
“And what if I won’t ever get pregnant at all?” I cut him off this time.
He stared at me for the longest time. My heart drummed so fast and hard against my rib cage that I thought he could hear it.
“I’ll take responsibility for you,” he slowly said, eyes searching mine.
“W-what? What did you say?” It came out as a whisper, eyes wavering.
“I will honour our deal until my death,” he replied without hesitance.
“What?” I exclaimed in disbelief. “You must be joking, right?” My voice went a little higher.