Chapter 20
Xavier's Pov
"What is love?"
I asked my father one day when I didn't know much about the world or the meaning of love except the word. He smiled at me without saying anything for a brief moment.
"A combination of passion and weapon" he stated
"Passion and weapon?" I thought I heard something wrong
"Love and Fear" he replied, smiling.
We were both sitting on the chair in the small garden that my mother had planted outside the house where I grew up in the city.
"Love and Fear? What's the connection?" I inquired out of curiosity.
"Fear of losing the one you love, Fear of remaining in love with the one you love until death."
"But fear is bad; it can ruin you and prevent you from recognizing yourself because you will never do anything out of the ordinary if you are afraid of something. What does it mean to say that love and fear?" I wanted to clear all the dark clouds in my head when there was no hope of clearing them.
"Love is a passion, and fear is a weapon; without a weapon, a passion is not protected; if a passion is lost, a weapon has no value, and you have nothing to fight for."
I couldn't make out his simple jumbled words. Following his statement, my curiosity generated a slew of puzzles for me to solve.
"You don't understand, do you?" he tickled me while teasing me.
As his words sent me in the opposite direction of thinking, I shook my head as if I weren't even present. He was a deep man.
"Let me tell you in simple terms," he laughed as he looked at my puzzled expression.
"I am afraid of losing your mother because I love her, and I use my fear as a weapon to protect her. If my passion to keep her close fades, then the weapon that I call fear would not hold value anymore. As I previously stated, there will be nothing left to fight for."
I realized that passion is the most important thing in the world. If there is a passion, there will also be a weapon; the two are inextricably linked.
However, we simplified things. Fear is evil, and passion is insane. We are unaware of the simple things that we never look at in a different light or think about differently.
Our minds were not designed to follow things that already have one track; we have choices, but when we try to think outside of the box, we become an alien, unaccepted by the people who only stand in line blindly to follow the person in front of them.
My father was a very thoughtful man, a good decision-maker, and an excellent guide; he never thought in a single way, but rather in many ways.
"When you have passion for someone, you will do anything to keep her close to you. You will use fear as a weapon to destroy the world to protect that special person you love. You'll fight, you'll kill, and you'll die," his deep voice was confident and enthusiastic about the subject.
I could sense emotions in his every word and how he delivered his speech. When he talked about my mother, his face lit up; he was madly in love with her; his love was a power for her, and her presence gave him hope. When I didn't know how it felt to be with someone, I could see through his eyes.
"Will you die for Mother?" I inquired about his thoughts.
"Do you have a doubt?" he asked shyly.
His eyes told everything, his love was a melody of her beauty, and her smile was honey for his life, they couldn't live apart for one day without each other, My mother made many sacrifices to be with my father; she lost many things in life to get the one man she desired the most.
I declared, without knowing the deepness of the conversation, "But I will not die for anyone."
"You will never understand how you became a person who would give up everything to protect the one he loves," father said poetically.
His words hit my head, I felt strange not knowing the depth of our conversation, but his last line stuck with me, throughout my life, I wanted to find the person I could love, the person I could be passionate about, the person I could stay with, the person who could love me back more than anything else in the world.
I'd die for the person who could love me even when I was at my lowest and stick by me no matter what.
When my parents' love was like a fairytale, like a slow dance in the rain, like a love song, a sweet melody to the ears, those unique pairs were very rare in the world, my expectations were higher, but then I realized that you could not always get what you wished for.
The feelings, love, fear, and passion that my father used to express to me had all turned into meaningless words to me over time.
With the women who claimed to love me, I felt emptiness, loneliness, and strangeness. Their desire to include me in their lives was not mine.
I was searching for true love in the same way that my father was passionate about my mother. I was optimistic for a while, but in my search for true love, I lost my passion as time passed.
But then I met Sansa; I had no idea what it was like to love someone, but when I saw her for the first time, I felt strange vibes connecting me to her, pulling me close to her even when I wasn't ready.
My mind and heart were hoping to keep her by my side when my gaze did not leave hers when I begged myself to back off. I had feelings I didn't know I had when I saw her, strange feelings of butterflies in my stomach, and she was stunning in a wedding gown. When I was lost in her deep ocean eyes, I forgot about everyone else's presence.
Was it true love or a crush? I couldn't find out right now. Who can fall in love with someone they've just met for the first time?
The fire in her eyes, her passion for Logan, was burning my heart; not only her beauty but her passion, drew me in. Her love was stronger for Logan, the love I had always desired in my life. She gave her life to save the man she loved; I wished for someone to love me until her last breath.
When I brought Sansa into the mansion, only she was bound with me by the law of "The pronouncement of wonder." I went to claim my bride, but I never imagined I'd feel something I'd never felt for anyone else.
I've met a lot of women, but I've never felt the emotion known as "Love." When I first saw Sansa, my heart sank and my desire for her grew stronger. I desired to bring her closer to me because she was staying by my side, in my room, and the thought of her excited me.
I knew she wouldn't accept the man who ruined her wedding and beat her groom to death, but I was blinded by her passion, which I was feeling all the time. Sansa became my weakness when I didn't have one.
Before leaving in search of Levine, I walked into my room, where Sansa was standing on the balcony in a red coat dress that I had purchased at random for the bride before bringing her, oblivious to the fact that a random dress would match her so well that I couldn't take my gaze away from her at any cost.
Her curly hair swayed in the cold breeze as she embraced herself, taking in the beautiful view of the garden and the mountains in the cloudy weather. Her beauty was luring me in, and every step I took toward her was out of my hands.
Whenever I saw her, it was a challenge to keep myself away from her; she had become my desire, and the fire inside of me was burning; I was battling myself in a war to lose her or get her.
When I left her behind, I realized that the more I watched her, the more I wanted to see her; my obsession had grown.