My eyes slowly opened when the sunlight penetrated through the curtains. I adjusted my vision and the realization hit me like a truck.
I realized that my soul is corrupt now. I have lost my innocence, my purity.
‘I successfully bargained for my virginity.’
I have just survived the most horrendous night of my life. Depression took over me in just one day, I'll turn insane but I have no choice but to keep these feelings in my heart and bear this undesirable feeling of being used over and over again.
I shifted my gaze and saw Christian standing in front of me. My eyes widened in horror as I quickly sat up and pulled the duvet over me to hide my exposed form.
“Hmm?” By looking at his absolute dominant form I began to shudder in fear recalling yesterday. He narrowed his eyes at me and I laid down and hid myself under the duvet quivering in apprehensions.
I heard his sighed as he said,
"Look at me, Sophie." Tears brimmed in my eyes as I quickly wiped them. I began to pant in dread that he might not want to do it again and I don't have enough strength in me to bear it again, It's like a torture to me.
Why did I agree?
“I-I.. can’t.” Still fearing that he might not like me disobeying him by this feeble whisper., I removed the duvet slowly and looked at his assertive form.
“I am not even telling you to.” My heart skipped a beat as I saw him standing close to me, he sighed, hands resting in his pocket, looking impassively at me.
"Here are some pills to relieve your pain." My trembling form gave him a nod as he put some pills on the nightstand.
"I come home around 7-12. I expect you to have dinner with me." He said in his usual firm tone.
"But, That's not in the contract." I spoke feebly, sitting up but still not removing the duvet and exposing myself to him, even though he has seen every inch of my body but I don't want him to see me anymore.
“Do I have to?” He spared a glance at me as my heart skipped a beat as scary thoughts came in my mind. But none of it happened and he said,
"Do you have any obligations as my wife or not?"
"Y-yes, I h-have," I uttered. For a second, He looked at me surprised. I thought he didn't expect me to say 'yes'.
He soon regained his attitude as he nodded and left,
"Take Care." I whispered. I cursed myself in my mind to say such words to him.
“What?” Even he stopped upon hearing that and looked at me. My lips formed a thin line as I covered myself again not wanting to see him again.
“Nothing.” I heard the sound of the door being closed as I slowly removed the duvet and saw no one in the room. I sighed deeply and put my chin on my knees.
I bit my lips to not to cry as I felt abomination in my heart for him, The feelings he elicited within me are revolting.
When there's no love why is he refraining from himself and showing compassion?
When he wanted to gain pleasure then why did he hold back?
Why did he wrap his arms around me and whispered sweet nothings to me?
I know I should be grateful for all ‘Hey, it’s okay. It’s gonna be alright. It won’t hurt.’ But I was not. Why?
Why did he try to soothe me? Just that thought is sickening, I don't want to feel anything like that.
There's nothing between us and will never be. I am just his toy.
I looked at the pain reliever and picked it. I gave it a seething look and threw it away as I began to cry,
"I don't want your sympathy!" I yelled.
“I don't want any feeling of tenderness from you.” This will kill me more quickly than fulfilling your desires because if you were tender, I will melt and I don’t want that!
I want to hate you.
With the extreme detest in my heart, I'll never fall for someone like him. He's disgusting, he just wants to play with me.
‘I am just a new toy that's why he's caring, I know that demeanor will change when he gets bored of me.’
I remained motionless, staring at my hands, at the blood stains on the sheets with an agonizing face. “What have I done? I knew this was coming then why can’t I accept it?” I whispered, pulling my hair.
I don't want to be with him. I swear if Eugene recovers, I'll run away and will never come back here.
Feeling contaminated, I tried to stand up and went to the bathroom. Surprisingly it didn't hurt as much as I thought,
'Because he was gentle'
Mentally scolding myself because thinking something absurd like it. I went to the bathroom. When I looked at myself , I understood one thing, I was shattered.
I looked at my form- Defiled. Tears rolled onto my cheeks as I sat under the shower and began to scratch his every mark. I continued to cry at my destiny.
But at the same time, I can't blame him because I agreed to this. I agreed just for the sake of my brother and Mother. I agreed because I want to and he is doing what I signed for. I can't do anything about it.
Then why the fuck he is not taking out his fire of lust?!
Was it because I am- was a virgin?
I walked out and wiped my tears. I looked for my suitcase but it was empty. I opened the closet and the closet was as big as my room back at home.
I walked in and saw my clothes as I wore a Black buttoned shirt and jeans with it. I don't want to expose any body part of mine as it made me feel a strong aversion.
I walked down as people were greeting me. I passed them a faint smile. Feeling like I am lost, but then Gwen came and called me.
"Ma'am," I turned and felt uncomfortable when she called me that.
"Please can you call me by my name?" I asked.
"I can't," She replied.
"I don't feel comfortable please." I said again.
"I'll try." She said as I passed her a smile. She then took me with her and I shivered when we entered the dining hall.
My throat dried as I took a step back in dread. She looked at me perplexed by my action. I, who was terrified because I met him for the first time, here. I bit my lips as other people began to look at me.
"Is everything all right, Mrs Elvis?" Gwen asked. Mrs Elvis is even worse than Ma'am!
"Please call me by my name." I said. Her lips formed a thin line as she nodded.
Gwen is a girl almost my age, A little older than me. As we were standing there, An old woman came,
"What happened?" She asked.
"I-I.." I stutter. She smiled and said,
"I am Ross, The head of all maids, Does something matter?" She asked as I shook my head 'no'. I am getting scared here by each second.
I feel like Christian will come out of nowhere and take me with him. A deadly shiver went down my spine just at the thought of that.
I shook my head and walked inside. I didn't lift my gaze as I took a seat. Feeling as if this life is not for me, I want to run away.
I don't like this at all.
They served breakfast which is not for a girl like me. Feeling hesitant, I just ate a french toast and took a glass of juice with it as I left.
Definitely not wanting to go to that room, I asked Gwen to show me around. After walking around for a while, Gwen showed me Christian study.
She just showed it to me but didn't say a thing. I shrugged my shoulders as we stopped at the library. I looked at it in awe.
I smiled and took out a random book and began to read it.
After a while, I look at the time. It's almost lunch time. The time was passing painfully slowly- not that I am complaining.
Since, I don't have anything to do, I decided to call mother,
"Hello," I said.
"Hello, Love, How are you?" I felt relieved to hear my mother's voice. A smiled formed on my lips as I replied,
"Fine. And you?"
"I was so worried. It's so lonely without you." I continued to smile sadly.
"I am okay. And you?" I asked in a low tone.
"I am fine. I just want to know about you."
"Everything is fine," I said.
"You sure?" She asked worriedly.
"yes.." I whispered.
"I know it's not. Have you..?" She asked but before she could say anything, I said first,
"Yes, I am fine." I said as I cut the call because I know that if I talk anymore, I'll cry.
And the dreadful time; Evening came.