L I E F D E S V E R D R I E T
(Dutch) (n.) the sadness, depression, or pain one feels about a love unanswered or love that is gone.
As the sun left the horizon and the moon and the stars stole its rightful place, Eunae found herself still crouched in the corner of the dark hotel room without any food in her stomach nor any blink of sleep.
Her mind continued to race with the miserable events that took place in her life, her heart falling into irreparable pieces remembering the news she received earlier on that stabbed her like a knife, and her throat closing in with the lump of breath caught up within.
She basked in pain as she berated herself with multitudinous questions about the choices she had made, actions she had done, opportunities she did not take, feelings she had suppressed, and rights she had thrown out the window as self-doubt began to consume her whole.
Eunae could not help but ask.
Was this how love meant?
To give everything you have until you have nothing left within you?
To lose yourself somewhere along the process and reach a point where you could never return?
Was it supposed to take away everything from you and leave you with nothing, but being broken with a questionable self-worth?
Did love intend to break all your principles?
To have you turn your back from everything you believed in?
To make you feel numb and be dumb enough to pay no heed to every hurt that came along with it?
Was turning a blind eye against all the atrocities done against you, closing your ears from all the spiteful sounds that certainly break you little by little and successfully kill you, all bits and parcels of love?
Were all these parts of love?
Of loving?
Was love supposed to hurt you?
To let you bask in pain as agony seeped into your bones, in every single cavity there was in your body?
To make you feel worthless, unwanted, and not enough?
Did it have to make you sleep with your eyes open as your endless nightmares, insecurities, and anxieties haunt you?
Was it supposed to make you beat yourself up every single day the sun decided to rise?
Was it all supposed to be like this?
To be dishonest even with yourself and live a life full of lies?
To suppress every other emotion rising in your heart in front of the person you hold very dear, and make a fool out of yourself?
To take every bruising blow to your ego, to your self-esteem, to your self-preservation, to your heart, but still bring yourself to plaster a smile?
Was it supposed to make you wear a mask and deceive the people around you that everything was okay? That you were okay?
Did you have to stay put and let the immense burning of your throat, the sweating of your eyes, and the breaking of your heart beat you up and ultimately kill you?
Was this what it really meant?
That love was all but unending suffering, desolation, heartache, and grief?
Was pain, perhaps, love all along?
As these questions swirled in her head, Eunae took a deep breath, and right there and then, allowed the impending tears she had been holding back to spill out from the corner of her eyes.
Like a dam that broke its walls, teardrops ran and dampened her cheeks. Her body shook uncontrollably as loud sobs escaped her lips, making it harder for her to breathe.
After all these years, everything she had been hiding down all the way closeted to the pits of her heart exploded all at once. She felt her throat burn and her stomach twinge horrendously with the constant flashbacks playing in her head. She wanted to let loose of everything holding her back.
She wanted to disappear, to run away, to forget.
She wanted to leave this place, everything-and everyone.
Eunae brought her knees to her chest and hugged them as if they were her lifeline, as if they were comrades, she wished she had. She had no one else to go to, no one to suffer with. She was alone, always had been.
The thought of how ridiculous and cunning love was made her smile bitterly. Her soul swearing not to ever love nor to be loved if all it meant was having to suffer everything she had gone through-to be stuck in a living hell.
Eventually, Eunae found herself lying on her side and sprawled on the ground. Her knees brought to her chest like a fearful child, her hair tangled in a mess, her lips quivering, and her head painfully pounding.
She stayed in that position until darkness eventually swallowed her whole. Until sleep took her in its arms, saving her from everything that had been endlessly haunting and hurting her.
And for a moment, she felt alive.