I tried to get enough air, I tried to breathe properly, but the pain I felt was so intense that I wasn't sure I could win the battle. My arms wrapped tightly around myself. It felt like I was falling apart. I'd never felt this way before. It was new. Unwanted. I never wanted to experience it again.
"Hope, please tell me what went wrong," Lesley implored, handing me another roll of tissue wipes. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened."
I shook my head, tears falling from both sides of my eyes as I blew into the wipe and tossed it aside. I made a total fool of myself.
Stupid, stupid! What was I honestly expecting?
Lesley bit her lip, blowing a heavy huff of what could only be frustration. "You burst inside your house bawling your eyes out, and now you expect me to sit and watch like nothing happened?"
I closed my eyes, inhaled, and forced myself to stop crying. Killian Fobster was an asshole who didn't deserve my tears. He didn't deserve this baby.
"Fine, don't tell me," Lesley spoke after a minute of staring at me. "But I'm not going to stay here and watch you cry. I'm leaving."
She got up abruptly, about to walk out on me. That was the last thing I needed right now. "Lesley..." My voice broke. I couldn't even make out words. She turned to stare at me and looking at her brought fresh tears to my face. "He rejected it...he...he told me to get out of his office...he..."
I choked and lowered my head down. Shame pricked my chest. I'd never felt so useless in my entire life and I just wanted to end this. I wanted to end it all.
"Hope." I felt her wrap her hand around me as she came back to sit. "If he doesn't want anything to do with it, that's his loss. We can still make him pay for child support or something." She wiped my tears away with the back of her hand. "Who needs a man anyway, there are a lot of happy single mothers out there. Besides you have me."
My shoulders shook with a pathetic laugh. "What do you know about pregnancies?"
She shrugged. "Not much but I'll rub your feet when you're all cranky, and, I could follow you to those weird check-up sections."
"You mean ultrasound?"
She nodded. "I'm your best friend too, Hope. I love you and want what's best for you and I'm not going to leave your side for anything."
I nodded and thanked her, just about when my front door opened and there was only one person who owned a spare key to my apartment.
"Hope?! You home?!"
I felt the air leave my lungs in a whoosh. It was Scott. My brother.
I looked up at Lesley, eyes wide with fright. "Oh my God, I don't want him to find out like this Lesley."
I couldn't, I didn't want to tell him, he'd be so disappointed.
Lesley took my hand in hers, silencing my irrational rambling.
"Tell him, Hope, this is the only chance you're gonna get."
"Hope?" He called from the small foyer. "Where are you?"
I bit my lip, scared to go to him, scared to tell him the truth.
"Hope?" He called again, sounding aggravated. "You're freaking me out here, where the hell are you?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat and then yelled meekly. "I'm in my room."
It didn't take him more than a few seconds to appear in my bedroom, standing tall in his favorite brown Cashmere sweater.
The silence that flowed between us was despicable. He audited me, his brow cocking curiously. "Hope, everything okay?"
I slowly shook my head. Everything was not okay. Everything was never going to be okay.
"I'll be in the kitchen," Lesley announced, rubbing my shoulders gently before getting up and walking away.
"Why are your eyes puffy?" He moved forward, coming to sit by my side. He smelled nice, like fresh lilies and baby powder. "Have you been crying again?"
I gulped, trying to suck back in the tears that gathered in my eyes but they just wouldn't dry up.
"Did you fail another job interview?"
I shook my head, covering my face with my hands. Telling Lesley about my pregnancy was one thing, but this— I couldn't.
"Okay Hope, you're starting to really scare me here," he lifted my chin, locking me in the ambush of his gaze. "Please say something."
One look in those eyes sent the tears running back into my eyes. God, I was pathetic.
"Come on, talk to me," he prodded, brushing away my tears with the backs of his fingers. "Talk to me, baby."
I sniffed and turned away, silently whispering the words, "I'm pregnant." to him.
Scott blinked, staring at me like I had just grown a second head. "Excuse me?"
I turned my head, my words the same as the last. "I'm pregnant, Scott."
He jerked away slowly, his next words burning out of his throat like acid. "What, how, when did this happen?"
I let loose a deep breath. "Two months ago, I—"
"You've been pregnant for two months?" He asked, cutting my stream of words short.
My throat tightened. I wanted to argue, to convince him somehow that it was a terrible mistake, but how could I?
"I only found out a couple of days ago. I had no idea I was pregnant all these weeks."
"Who else knows about this, does Lesley know?" He hand raked his hair. "Oh, why do I even bother, of course, she does."
"Hey don't bring me into this," Lesley called from the kitchen, clearly eavesdropping.
He whipped his head to the side to regard me.
"And am I to assume you know who the father is?"
"Apparently...he's a CEO of this huge company; Fobster financial."
His eyes widened and his nostrils flared with barely encompassed fury. "Killian Fobster? you're pregnant for that asshole?!"
"You know him?"
Disgust dripped from every pore on his face. "Yes, I do. He's an asshole who treats people like shit. When did that bastard take advantage of you and why didn't you tell me?!"
"He didn't take advantage of me. It was mutual."
"He should have damn well used protection!"
"We did... Accidents happen."
"Accidents happen?! How could you have been so careless? You know better than this!"
"It was just one night...and i—"
"Does mother know?"
My head shot up. "She can't know, not yet."
His jaw tightened. "You expect me to lie to her?"
"Please, I'll tell her when I'm ready."
"And when is that going to be?!"
He was yelling at me now and I was becoming emotional, more emotional than usual, and I hadn't realized it yet but the tears just kept falling as I yelled back at him. "I am going through a lot right now Scott! Don't you think I realize how fucked up this situation is! I'm pregnant! I'm fucking pregnant! And I'm freaking out! So can you just stop yelling at me!" My temper flared hot in my chest.
His expression softened.
"Shit, I'm sorry Hope, you're pregnant, this is so fucked up, shit."
"I know," I muttered, shoulders dropping in resignation.
After a short pause, he asked. "Do you want to keep it?"
"Yes." I hadn't been so sure before but now I was.
He nodded thoughtfully. "Does Killian know, what did he say about it?"
"He wants nothing to do with it."
"He said that?"
I nodded.
"I swear to God, I'm going to fucking kill him."
"No Scott, you're not."
"Fuck that." He made a move to get up but I dragged him back down next to me and held his arm tightly. "Please don't do anything. I was the one who fucked up, I went to the club that night and decided to drink even though I knew how bad it was. I made a total fool of myself, I'm a total slut."
"Don't you ever say that about yourself," he held my arm, the rawness of his words making me look up at him with watery eyes. "Regardless of the situation and how you got into it, none of that makes you a slut. I never want to hear you disregard yourself like that again. Ever," his voice held a hint of compassion and aggression.
"Scott..." My throat slowly tightened and my nose started to burn.
"Fuck. I don't care if he is interested in the child or not, I'll take care of you okay. You're my baby sister and nothing is gonna change that. Now I don't want to see you cry over this anymore." He pulled me into a hug, his broad frame acting as a support as he all but whispered words of encouragement to me.
"I'm sorry," I croaked, clenching him tighter.
"For today, I'll let you cry all you want. After this, you clean your eyes and hold your head high, you understand?"
I held him tighter and nodded, letting the tears fall.
I understood.