It feels like deja vu, everything seems so calm and quiet. I like this feeling of being free from everyone's judgmental look, which kept me anxious for almost 20 years of my life. I'm free, and I can feel it, but not today.
Feelings. They are so unpredictable that even you can't even imagine the thoughts lurking in every corner of your own mind. It made me feel that even though I'm free, part of myself is locked up in the same position where I hated myself the most.
It made me feel that even though I'm free, my freedom is still limited.
"Hey, baba!" I was startled a little when someone tapped my back from behind. It's José, one of my co-workers here in New York.
"I didn't see you there, handsome." I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek.
"You're pretty preoccupied, baba," he said while sitting in front of me. "You have this scared look, but you're still beautiful anyway."
I just smiled and signaled the waiter. "So, where's your soon-to-be husband?"
He just smiled sweetly after hearing those words. Funny, that's the exact opposite thing I did when I heard about my own engagement.
I turned my gaze outside the restaurant, where I saw the clouds up in the sky. “It feels like she’s going to cry," I smiled at the thought that I knew it would rain, but I suddenly realized the moments it reminds me of. For some reason, I felt empty inside again. all over again. It's scary.
"Hey, baba," José caught my attention again when he handed me a magazine.
"Page 16, read it."
I was confused by then, but I still flipped the page because he kept smiling so sweetly in front of me. Next thing I knew, I saw his photo with the caption "What a Date to Save" and the article that talked about his engagement.
"This is pretty big, love." I said while reading the article.
"I know and I'm gonna enjoy every single moment of preparation that we're going to do," he said and holds my hand.
I looked up to him. "You're so in love."
I wish I have that kind of thing, too.
"Well, we better make up something extravagant because this is going to be the wedding of the year here in New York City." Jose said before he stood up and went to check his hair in the restroom.
A few seconds later, it started raining. As long as I want to enjoy it, the urge for me to remember a lot of memories also pushes me to the edge of my hidden insanity. I wasn’t like this before. The beauty of the rain always amazes me, as it calms my mind every time I watch it from my window. But it just felt different since that night happened. I wonder if he still remembers that night. I wonder if it also distracts him.
I wonder if he still chooses to walk than take a cab while going around the city for sightseeing.
I wonder if he still chooses to give something to others than keep it for himself.
I wonder if he still wants peanut butter over everything else. Well, that's silly.
I still wonder if he will choose to run with me again.
I couldn't stop thinking about it so I got startled again when José suddenly pinched my cheek.
"You're still preoccupied, honey, what's happening?" He have this worried look that says that I might ruin the initial preparation for his wedding.
"I'm not in the mood, I'm sorry," I said.
He gave me a reassuring smile, "I told your before that need to rest and yet you're still there in your studio keeping yourself busy with something I don't know."
I just also smiled at what he said. Maybe that's what I've been doing all this time here in New York—keeping myself busy and tiring myself enough to forget about him. To forget everything that's keeping me locked up.
Our food arrived already when my other phone rang again for the third time today. It's the squad where I belong to, before. They keep calling me for the past three years that I've been here away from them. I sometimes joined the call to see them but I don't usually talk to them about my whereabouts. I don't want them to worried about me even more.
I was about to turn off my phone when José said something . “Don’t turn it off, they just miss you.”
"Baba, I'm tired." I said while looking down at my food.
"Hey, love." He said as he made my chin up. "Just leave them a message atleast once a week that you're okay here, I know they understand your situation."
I just nodded at him before I continue to eat again.
My lunch with José felt so fast that we didn't even know it's already 2pm in the afternoon. We just bid our goodbyes when Carlo, his fiance, arrived to get him. They told me to get jealous about them because of the 'honeymoon phase' they have right now.
Now, I'm all alone again. Maybe I'll just help myself by shopping for a new designer bags? Yep, that'll work.
I'm already walking outside on one of the beautiful streets in New York. I started by entering make-up boutique shops that interested me a little and eventually dove into those high-end brands of bags that I've been wanting to buy ever since I got my first job here in the city.
It took me couple of hours when I told myself that I'm done wasting my money and let myself sit on one of the park benches. I bought myself an ice cream and stared at these four paper bags I have.
"God, I really need José to stop me from impulsive buying." I closed my eyes when I realized how much I money spent today and how I'll going to earn it again.
"I think you might need me to do that," My heart froze for a second when I heard that voice. That baritone voice of a man who I suspect is right in front of me right now. Maybe I need to keep my eyes shut.
This is just a hallucination. But that's funny because this hallucination just caressed my cheek.
When I open my eyes, I almost lose my mind about how near he is. It took my breath away when I saw again those pair of expressive brown eyes. His smiles are still damn attractive and addicting.
I thought I would never see him again. How did he know that I’m here?
“You're still an impulsive buyer, my love”, he spoke again and that made me lose my hope that is just my hallucination. “It’s been a while. How are you?”
Those smiles.
Those words he just said.
And this scenario, just like before. It keeps coming back, all the happy moments.
Of course, also the bad ones flashed back.
I'm being attacked, and I can't even fight the feeling.
What's even more terrifying when the sky decided to cry again on the day we met again after three years of freeing myself.
On this rainy day again, I met him. The only different thing right now is...
I know, he's already committed to someone.
He's always been to.
To someone, I didn't expect that made my heart so done.
What is he doing here?
By looking at him, I didn't realize that I asked him suddenly.
"Is this even true?"
And now, I feel like my past is unwrapping.