When she realised sleep wasn't coming anytime soon, Van swung the covers and got out of bed. She padded out of the room and made a beeline for the kitchen suddenly craving something hot and sweet.
"Ohf!" Van cried in surprise when she bumped into someone coming out of the kitchen and strong hands caught her upper arms to steady her.
"Damn! Van did I hurt you?" panic and concern laced Ash's voice as he stared wide eyed at her.
"I'm fine." She muttered.
"You shouldn't sneak up on people like that." Ash chastised.
"I wasn't sneaking." She snapped impatiently.
Ash gave her a curious look. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"I couldn't sleep so I came down to get a cup of hot chocolate."
"Well it's a good thing you found me here. Come on i'll make us some hot chocolate."
"Am not an invalid you know I can make my own cup of hot chocolate just fine."
"When did I say you couldn't?" he smiled if Van’s heart wasn't already beating for someone else she would’ve thought his smile disarming which brings her to the crux of the matter. She hadn't been totally honest with Ash and he'd been such a great support and yet she'd led him on even though at that time she'd been contemplating her separation from Jake but that doesn’t justify anything. As Van watch him begin to prepare their drink she wondered what he was thinking.
"Ash about everything that’s happened..."
"It's alright i'm not mad at you or anything like that." even as he said it Van could see him trying to avoid her gaze. After he poured the hot chocolate out in two mugs he handed one to her while he sipped his.
Van stared at the steaming liquid for a second before she blew out the steam an tentatively took a sip.
"I mean you can't tell the heart what or who to love." He drawled.
Which is precisely why she was apologising to him because she knew he had feelings for her and he was simply suppressing his hurt.
"Still, I led you on, I may have given you hope when it was obvious there was none and for that i'm sorry."
"You didn't lead me on Van. I knew I never stood a chance because obviously you were still in love with the father of your baby but I stubbornly refused to let myself see reason. Although I must admit that I was a little thrown off guard that you're married to him."
He might lie and gloss over what he was truly feeling but Van knew without a doubt that he hadn't been a little thrown off guard he'd been shocked like everyone else if not more, at her impulsive announcement at the dinner table, Van had been hoping for an opportunity to tell him but she let her mouth run loose at the worse moment.
"Still i'm sorry."
"I know. But don't worry about me i'll be fine, it might take a while but...yeah i'll be fine." still he refused to meet her eyes. He drained his cup and rinsed it in the sink before he turned to her. "Don't stay up too late." he told her and then he was gone from the kitchen.
Van looked away from the door from which he'd disappeared and back at her drink which had gone warm. She wished they'd remain friends but that would be selfish. She gulped down her drink and rinsed her cup.
After she left the kitchen and went back up stairs Van decided to do a little light reading so she made her way to the study.
The room was dark and Van could hardly make out anything in it so she reached out and found the switch. Light flooded the study in an instant.
She was a little surprised to see grandfather in his chair. He also looked so surprised to see her that he lept out of his chair surreptitiously wiping at his eyes but not before Van saw the tears.
"Grandfather? Are you okay?"
"Yes." he turned away. "What are you doing here?"
"Um, I couldn't sleep so I came to find a book to read." Whatever anger she felt towards him before seemed to evaporate that instant and she couldn't stand to see him so...dejected?
Grandfather always seemed so strong, like nothing could break him and for a long time since she came to the house Van saw him as a man who possessed a heart of stone but after seeing him now she knew she'd been wrong, he does have a heart capable of breaking. But what could possibly have broken his heart?
Grandfather glanced down at the frame he'd been holding which Van only noticed then and she couldn't describe the expression on his face.
"She must’ve died cursing me." he said bitterly.
While her mother's death had been unfortunate, Van couldn't imagine her feeling that way. She strode into the study shutting the door behind her.
"I don't think she would do something like that." Van told him. She'd spent a better part of life resenting her mom because she thought the woman had abandoned them but now that she knows the whole truth Van wished they could've been there for her. Tears of regret welled up in her eyes. "Besides, it's all in the past now. I'm sure my mother loved you up to the point when she died."
But grandfather shook his head. "I wasn't a good father and I failed to be a good grandfather."
"We all make mistakes. The most important thing is that we admit we were wrong."
"I am so sorry dear for trying to make you do things you don't want to."
"For what is worth, i'm sorry for being so arrogant."
Grandfather chuckled. "Your grandmother says you take after me. And I think she's right."
Van smiled then.
Everything else that happened since then made Van realise that the only reason she'd been able to bounce back in the face of adversity was partly because she'd let herself get used to the pain and betrayal that she'd lived her life expecting them and when they happen she would blame herself for being so unfortunate.
Rella was right.
Van knew now that she needed to forgive herself and start to believe that she could have a better life.