"I don't know why you're losing sleep over this. He wasn't the first man you killed." Cordelia said inside her. It was the first time her wolf had spoken up since the incident occurred, and she didn't sound very happy. Doris knew that she was avoiding this discussion, but it appeared that her gloomy demeanor annoyed her inner wolf enough to finally speak up.
"Self defense is different." Doris said. "That man... he didn't deserve that. He was just out there doing his job and could have lost his life. I feel like I was almost a murderer."
Cordelia was silent again for a long moment. "Don't be too hard on yourself. It was an accident, and William said he's going to be fine. When he wakes up in a few days, you can apologize."
Doris closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't think I can handle the power. Maybe you were right to keep it from me."
"I think I came at it all wrong." Cordelia admitted. "I shouldn't have let you have it without finding your peace first. All white wolves have their inner peace. Since Alec is out with William today, let's go to the forest and we will work on that."
Doris couldn't find the strength to pull herself up and do that. Before she would have hopped out of the bed and followed Cordelia down any path if it meant she would be stronger. But now-she wasn't so sure what she wanted. All the tales in the book sounded like they were made for people much better than herself-but no. She had to stop thinking that way. She had to allow herself confidence if she wanted to be better.
After a push, Doris forced herself off the couch and picked her cloak up before she followed her wolf out of the palace. The last thing she wanted was to see Daemon. William was a saint for taking Alec when he knew that she needed a little time alone.
Doris followed their usual path but broke off to go the opposite way. She didn't want to risk anyone following her to her route. She only stopped when they were far enough away from the palace.
She dropped her cloak and leaned down on her knees. "Okay. What first?" She breathed.
"Close your eyes and silence your mind." Cordelia said soothingly. Doris did as she asked. "A lot of the time, we lose ourselves and try to take more than given because our minds are so loud. When the power flows through you, you have to learn that your own peace is what matters the most."
"Okay... why didn't you tell me this before?" Doris asked and felt like her insides were kicked.
"Focus. I didn't think you would disobey what I told you, but I should have known that the lure of power was too strong to resist. It's not your fault that it tries to pull you in for more."
"How do I stop... the desire to take it?" Doris asked.
"It's always going to be there. No matter how hard you try to push it away. But you can find your peace and it might be enough to resist the pull. Now, try."
Doris closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She could hear everything in the forest and felt the power pulse in her veins. Instead of trying to hear everything at once, she focused on herself.
Her mind was loud and filled with thoughts that weren't welcomed. Self doubt was always the loudest and normally couldn't be silenced without a distraction. Today, she took out each thought one by one until she was left with nothing.
For a moment, she didn't know what to do. There was silence, it felt like she was in a big glass box with a muffled world around her. The sounds of the outside tried to get in, but it was a huge effort to keep them out.
Suddenly, a calmness fell over her. It went through every inch of her, even her power felt as if it had calmed from the spike in her blood.
"There." Cordelia whispered. "If you ever feel like you're losing control, this will help you centre yourself again."
Doris let out a slow breath and allowed herself to hear the outside. She could hear the river where it always was, but there was no sense of her wanting to take more. To have more.
"How much power have I not felt yet?" Doris asked.
"The truth is, there is endless power for a white wolf. Many wolves go their entire lives without reaching the maximum amount. You didn't get to grow up with wolves. You didn't get to learn how to take a bit at a time and now you're overdue for a lot. I can sense your body getting used to it. Soon you will learn that the rest comes naturally when you can handle what I give."
Doris stood on shaky legs and released the power from her. It was the first time she realized that she could do that-even in her human form.
"That's enough for today. I have something I want to do." Doris said.
Doris hurried up the palace steps with her cloak flowing behind her. For once she didn't feel as if she was being watched.
She wandered down the halls with one destination in mind. She hadn't been to this part of the palace in so long-she almost lost her way.
When she saw the wide white doors, she hesitated before she pushed them open. A nurse immediately popped in her view without her even taking a step inside.
"My lady? Are you hurt?" She asked.
"Oh! No, I was just wondering if the guard that was brought here by William was okay? I wanted to check in with him and hopefully have a chat if he was awake." Doris clasped her hands like a lady in front of her despite her pants having dirt caked on from the forest.
The nurse tilted her head and gave a sad look. "The guard? Oh... well." She cleared her throat and glanced behind her as if she was hoping someone would come rescue her from this conversation.
"Is he in there?" Doris asked and took a step towards the patients rooms. "I can go have a peak-"
"No, no my lady. The guard William brought in the other night... he didn't make it."
Doris stopped short. "What do you mean? The doctor told William that he was fine and would wake up fine-"
"Yes, well- we don't actually know what happened. He was fine and healed just yesterday but when we came to check on him in the middle of the night, he had passed away. We still haven't been able to find out why or what caused it..."
Doris started to pick at her nails. She took a small step back towards the door and swore the floor was about to open up beneath her.
"I... thank you for telling me..." Doris said before she ran out of the medical ward.