After dinner, I was full, satiated and feeling somewhat comfortable. It was only for another while, though.
Holding my phone in my hand, I flipped and turned it while trying to ramp up my courage. I wasn't a wimp when it came to doing things. This whole ordeal was my living proof of it, but when it came to... this….. it always took so much of my energy, and maybe that's why I needed courage.
Or strength.
Sighing, I finally flipped my phone over and found the contact I was looking for. Pressing the green button, I then slowly lifted the phone to my ear and closed my eyes with a deep breath as the phone rang.
It took about four rings before the line was picked up. My heart twisted and I smiled a little as I heard my mom's voice in the other end.
"Hey, hon!"
"Hi, mom," I replied, smiling wider when it sounded like she was in a good mood.
Calling my mom or visiting her was like poking a time bomb. You never knew when it was going to blow.
"It's so funny you called me, I was just thinking about you. How are you? How've you been? Are you still doing that whole.. tutoring thing?" She questioned.
To keep my cover from accidentally getting broken, I'd told my mom that I had received an offer for tutoring instead of taking summer classes.
Technically, I hadn't been all wrong.
"Yeah, am. It's going really well. I'm actually-"
"Oh, darling, I just have to tell you this! I met a man."
And just like that, I felt the knot in my heart dissolve and sink into my stomach.
"Oh….. really?"
"And he's the absolute sweetest! He took me on a date out in the suburbs somewhere, this little local restaurant owned by this old couple. I think you'd really like him."
"That's great, mom," I smiled weakly, even though she couldn't see it.
It all didn't matter, though. In a few weeks, it all wouldn't matter if I liked him or not. My mom was self-destructive, and if this turned into a relationship, history dictated her disorders were going to drive this poor man away.
But that wasn't even the real problem. What really hurt the most? She couldn't help it. She had her problems, and she couldn't help that she had them, but what irritated me was that every time she got into a relationship, she stopped taking her meds.
She always said she got so happy, she didn't need them anymore. And what happened every time after she stopped? Her borderline and schizophrenia flared up, and it became more than what the guy had bargained for. If men couldn't manage dating normal crazy women, then a woman with an unstable psyche wasn't even remotely manageable.
Every time she ended up losing a guy, she went right back to being a mess, unwilling to take her medicine for weeks until I finally begged her enough to start taking them again, or worse, had to pick her up from the police station, after doing something stupid and reckless.
Growing up with an unstable mom hadn't been easy, but being an adult hadn't really helped much either. Whether I was a kid or an adult, she refused to listen to me and do as the doctors told her; to keep taking her meds regularly and constantly. It had been frustrating at first and for many years on end, but
eventually I had moved past that stage.
Now all I felt was an all-destructive numbness that came with a dosage of pain, knowing I could see into the future and knowing what would happen.
"So, I was hoping you'd be able to stop by this weekend," My mom continued animatedly on the other end.
"I'm making dinner for him at my place, and I really want to introduce you to him. What do you say?"
"Mom, I'm hours away," I reminded her.
"I can't just up and leave, I'm here for tutoring." The truth was, I didn't want to come all the way back for a guy who wasn't going to be around in a few more weeks.
"Can't you just take little weekend break? I'm sure it wouldn't hurt! It's for an important cause, and I miss you, honey."
The 'I miss you' card.
It always fucking hurt, because every time she had used it in the past, my heart flourished with the hope that she actually meant it. That the moment I came home, she couldn't wait to hug me and hear all about how I had been doing... how she'd notice whether or not I'd gotten a haircut or if I was wearing a new shirt, but that never happened.
Instead, I came home, got a brief hug, whereafter I became as important as a stranger to fill up the party space between her and her new man. When she fell in love, she went in both arms and legs, and suddenly I came in second.
But that was okay. I had gotten used to it after 18 years, knowing my mom could only love one person at a time.
"I miss you too," I whispered, feeling tears well up in my eyes. I hid it from my voice and instead faked my usual normal tone.
"But I can't up and leave, I'm sorry, mom. This is really important as well, it's for my future."
"And this is for my future, Cassandra. This guy could be the one, and I really want him to meet my daughter. It's only a day, and if you can't make that sacrifice for your own mom-"
"Then what?" I cut her short.
I knew arguing with her never helped. She always won. I could lay out every argument, but in the end, her words always hurt me more than mine hurt her. She couldn't feel what I felt. Her own feelings always came first, regardless of how it made me feel. Her own daughter.
"Then you might need to reconsider if this future you're pursuing is really worth it," She said, using a stern voice.
"If it means compromising time with your own family, then is it really worth all the hassle?"
It was worth every goddamn moment. I was doing this for us, for me-I needed to get out of here, needed to get my own place and start living my life, uncompromised by the toxicity she brought into it. I loved my mom. And one day, I hoped she would love me like her loved her, too.
"I got to go, mom," I said, staring emptily down at my bed.
"I'm sorry."
I heard her sigh, disappointedly.
"I'm sorry, too. Take care of yourself"
"I will," I whispered.
Just like I had done my whole life.
Hanging up the phone, I laid it down on my bed and continued to stare into nothingness. The numbness had begun, and the pain was next to come.
But not if I could help it.