Colleen's POV
"Hubby, can you lend me some money?" I asked my husband, Jared. He glared at me after hearing it.
"Why would I give you money? Do you think just because I agreed to marry you, I will give you what you want just like that?" he said.
***
That was two years ago, when we had just gotten married. I was really sick and my doctor finally told me that there was a heart available which was compatible with me. I got excited, I thought I would be able to prolong my life if I underwent the surgery. But there's a catch: it was expensive. So I asked my husband, but sad to say he didn't give any. Because he was mad at me.
I understand his anger though. He was forced to marry me by his mother and his sister. He doesn't love me, he loves someone else. Stacey, his girlfriend for four years and probably expecting them to get married until I came between them.
Jared said that he loves Stacey and that there's nothing I can do to change that. I don't know if they broke up after our marriage, though I don't care about it. I was still hopeful that they would. It's not because I am being selfish, is there anyone who would want their husband to see someone else? I guess none, right?
For the meantime, I was glad that Stacey had not come to our door saying she was pregnant with Jared's child. I don't know what I would do if that happened. I may not love him, but I respect our marriage and I hope he does the same. Though I know that he wasn't, as long as he didn't flaunt it and no one knew about it besides him and Stacey, everything was fine with me.
I myself didn't know why I suddenly agreed with my mother and sister-in-law to get married to him. They were very sweet to me though. I get nothing out of this marriage. Well, not exactly nothing. I got a family. Although it wasn't a normal one, I still have my mother and sister-in-law, whom I can call mom and sister. They love me so much, like their own. I can feel how much they cared for me and I know if Jared did something wrong to me, they would get mad and would never forgive him for that.
I came from a broken family. My mom divorced my dad because he was out of work. Meaning he was broke. I was eight when I heard them fighting over money, money that we don't have. So I hate money, no matter how shiny or glittery it was and I was 16 when they finally divorced.
My mom now has her own family and so does my dad. Can you imagine how happy they were finding their second family? You may think I was too, because I never heard them fight anymore. At first, yes, but when both of them forgot about me and didn't want to take me, I didn't know if there was anyone who would feel happy about it.
My mom said she doesn't want me in their house because I reminded her of how irresponsible my dad was, while dad doesn't want me with them as well, because I reminded him of my mother and how greedy she was. I was more disappointed with my dad, because I remember, as a child, I was a daddy's girl. I always go to him for whatever reason.
So yes, I live alone, by myself. For 8 years, I managed to give myself a contented life. I never asked for anything but to have a roof over my head and regular meals on my table. I study while I work and I was thankful that no matter how corrupt our government was, they still managed to give students like me a free college education. So I study and study, because I want to survive in this world.
I got my college degree longer than anyone else, but I still feel satisfied. It wasn't easy to go to college and work at the same time. I never spent money on unnecessary things and buy only those that I needed. Even after I have work, I only focus on that and don't even look at any man who is trying to get my attention.
But the world is really cruel. Here I am working for myself fair and square, but when I had my check-up for having difficulty with my breathing, I felt like the world was against me and my happiness. It turned out that I had a weak heart and I had to be careful with everything I did. Dr. Gerard, help me and advise me with everything to ensure that I have my health in check. But it was all too late.
It appeared that all the time I was having that out of breath feeling and ignored and took it for granted, I was already digging my own grave. Dr. Gerard said that I had 3 years to live unless I got my surgery done. It cost a lot of money so I decided to just accept my fate.
I married Jared for the sake of his mom, mommy Claire. She was a very loving mother, the total opposite of my mom. She was sick and I wanted her to be happy, so I agreed with her.
Now, two years ago, after our marriage, I never saw him look at me unless we talked about something not related to us. We don't always see each other, even when we live together. He was always out before the sun rose and he went home when I was already asleep. Even if he was still like that, every day, I did my duty as his wife. I prepare everything he needs before going to work and everything. I was happy when he took the suits I prepared for beforehand.
I prepared his clothes at night before he went home, so when he wakes up, he doesn't need to look for anything. At first, I still found the clothes I chose for him from where I left them, but after nine months, maybe he got tired of it, so he just wore whatever I prepared.
Even if he doesn't eat at home, I see to it that there is something for him to eat when he finds himself hungry in the middle of the night or when he gets home. It happened numerous times when he went home hungry and I found the plate of food I prepared for him in the kitchen sink in the morning. It was so little and nothing to brag about, but for me it was big.
If he accepted me after 20 years, that would be fine by me. I would still appreciate it. I was content with everything that happened, I would never ask for more. Jared was enough for me. I would not ask him to love me, it would only hurt him if, after a while, I would have to leave him. It would be fine with me if I was the only one who loved him, at least it motivates me to hold on for the next year left for me.
I feel lucky that I was able and capable of loving someone. I had been yearning for that for so long after I lost my faith in my parents. I only cared for myself before I got married to Jared. Now I feel alive even if I feel the pain he was giving me emotionally.
I wanted to hope that he would really change, but I didn't want to hurt him in the end. So this should be OK, me loving him and him loving someone else. At least when I'm gone, I'm sure he will be happy with Stacey. The woman he yearned and loved.