"There's a part of me that needs the pain of others." Xerxes chuckles as he walks around me again, brushing my skin. "That part wants to kill everything and everyone."
I should laugh Should think he's really having a joke with me. But too much seriousness resonates in the words. I can almost hear how bitter he finds this fact. That even he hates it. And that shows he's telling the truth.
Very slowly he reappears in my field of vision and I should look at Xerxes. Maybe I could tell if he wanted to kill me. It wouldn't be that far-fetched. But I don't dare to look into the poisonous green. Too scared to see my imminent death. And so I continue to stare straight ahead, only my lower lip trembling betraying my feelings.
"And you Kalota are my valve." He shrugs and I swallow hard. Did Xerxes just tell me he's going to kill me? I should run. Just get away from here. But I can't. There's the ice again It freezes me to death and robs me of self protection that is so important. And as the cold takes hold of me, I start to shiver. I'm cold - colder than I've ever been in winter. And so I can't look away when Xerxes himself standing in front of me, leaning forward so his face is in front of mine.
"That's why I need you. I want you to please my inner beast. So that I don't lose myself in it and have the strength to fight it." He smirks and Xerxes doesn't even seem embarrassed to talk about it. But something else catches my attention. That last sentence sounds familiar. God "I've thought that so many times. Thinking it again right now. Wanting to defy the hole in me and not give in to it. Preventing growth and escaping sadness. And so I can only look at Xerxes with wide eyes. Could it be that he's all knows my fears? That he knows what it's like when claws dig deep inside and tear everything apart piece by piece. Ripping everything up until there's nothing left? I'd like to ask him that. But I can't. There's a huge lump in my throat. This doesn't come from fear, didn't come from Xerxes' confession, but because I'm meeting someone for the first time who also talks about an inner struggle. From the energy it robs.
Xerxes looks me over again and then slowly gets up. "So Kalota, has this knowledge helped you in any way?" Taunting. There's absolute taunting in the voice. And that's appropriate. Normally, everyone would keep their distance and avoid him as much as possible. But that's not how it is with me.
"Yes." It's no more than a breath and I can still only stare at him. I can tell that Xerxes's eyebrows pull together slightly. The crease that forms between them. He clearly expected a different reaction.
"Okay, it's more than clear that you suffer from a death wish." He looks at my forearm and thereby at the dirty bandage that covers my attempted suicide wound. I shake my head immediately. I don't want Xerxes to think that I want to die. I don't want that. Not anymore. But this finally gives me the strength to say something.
"No, it's not that." I need to clear my throat and I'd really like to sort my thoughts first. But there's no time for that. Xerxes has shown me often enough that he doesn't like waiting for answers what you described." And with that my heart is racing. Throbs my ribs painfully and seems to be making it difficult for me to breathe. God, I don't want to talk about this. can't talk about it This is what the ice feeds on. I really have to repress. Don't think about what's happening inside me. But right now I don't see any other way.
Xerxes immediately raises an eyebrow and smiles slightly. Examine my body. "So you have murderous thoughts?"
This makes me pause for a second and now I'm the one who's confused. It should be obvious that I don't mean that. But that just goes to show that Xerxes doesn't even consider that someone else is struggling with himself. How much he has already closed himself off in this regard. I know that too.
So I shake my head slightly. This movement alone makes me grimace painfully because the hook draws attention to itself again. Xerxes seems to know why I'm taking some time to reply and again there's a huge grin on his face. But now I see it differently. In a way, I understand now. The cruelty. The planned infliction of violence. That also suddenly makes sense. That he doesn't hit me blindly. Would he kill me if he followed his inner urges without any control? But I shouldn't think about all that now. Later. I can deal with that later.
It's obvious that Xerxes doesn't believe me. That he thinks I'm lying to get his favor. And that hurts. In fact, I feel like I finally have someone who would understand me. Who experiences all my fears himself. Going through this day after day. No matter how different our darknesses are inside. They are there. eat us up But Xerxes does not see it. Doesn't realize that we seem to be more alike than I ever thought. But Xerxes does not see it. Doesn't realize that we seem to be more alike than I ever thought. But Xerxes does not see it. Doesn't realize that we seem to be more alike than I ever thought.
"Tz-tz, Kalota. You should watch what you say here." I want it to sound relaxed. That's obvious. But the voice is too low for that, sounds too growlly and so I swallow hard. I want to remove this miserable lump, but I can't. "I ... I'm serious." God, why don't I have the strength to speak? Right now I should explain myself - should say what I mean. But it seems impossible to me. The hole gets bigger. Feeds on my fear.
"Why should I believe you?" Another indefinable sound fills the room. It's probably meant to be a laugh, but it doesn't even begin to sound like it. It's too cold for that lose by going after the beast in you?" I notice that he says beast, but I don't pay any attention. I care too much for Xerxes to believe me. That he sees that I understand. And the answer to this question is obvious. So I just take an unsteady step towards him. Don't notice the green eyes blazing with anger.
"Me." And as hard as it is for me to say that one word, it feels like a liberation. It's the first time I'm telling someone about it. For the first time, I don't feel weak about it. No, there's someone who just like me. And as I look at him pleadingly, just hoping he sees the seriousness in my eyes, the condescending smile on his face fades. Instead, there's determination. But not one that's good for me. No , rather the opposite seems to be the case. And just to confirm my assumption, he roughly grabs my arm and pulls me along with him. "Let's see how long you keep this lie up."