We stood there for a long time. My attempts to calm down failed and Cyrian made no move to move away from me. He murmured soothing words to me in his dark voice, the content of which I didn't understand, but his voice was enough to make everything a little better.
After a while, tears stopped flowing from my eyes like water from a spring. Not because I calmed down, but because I just didn't have any tears left. What remained was a whimpering heap of misery that was only able to stay on its feet thanks to Cyrian.
Again and again his large hand stroked my head. Now and then he breathed a feathery kiss on my forehead.
At some point my whimpering got quieter until it finally ebbed away completely. We stood there for a moment, then Cyrian broke the embrace.
I ducked my head automatically. I didn't know if Cyrian was angry, sad or disappointed in me for just walking away, but I knew that it certainly hadn't left him indifferent.
The feeling of warmth and security disappeared with every small millimeter of distance between me and Cyrian.
Cyrian was silent.
I didn't dare to look him in the eye. My fear of seeing any form of dislike in it was too great.
Seconds later, which felt like an eternity, he suddenly sighed deeply.
"What are you doing my little one?" he murmured rather to himself.
Even if I had wanted to, I couldn't have answered him, because the next moment the rug was pulled out from under my feet. Cyrian had simply picked me up and was now carrying me through the forest.
My legs hung loosely over his right arm and my back was supported by his left arm.
It was comfortable and for the first time in my life I didn't mind being trapped in a completely defenseless situation.
" You were right."
Only a moment later did I realize that it was my dry voice that had spoken this sentence.
"You were right. I didn't know anything." I repeated again as if in a trance. I felt so incredibly stupid.
"It's okay, how would you know? And we wolves played our part too." Cyrian spoke soothingly to me.
I knew he was just saying that to calm me down. The crimes against his people must have hit him hard.
"You mad?" I asked him, meeting his silvery gray eyes for the first time in days.
"No," he replied, but averted his eyes.
"Yes you are." I stated matter-of-factly in his reaction.
"No, I'm disappointed, but..."
I didn't let him finish. "It's almost the same only worse. I'm sorry I ran away, but I needed to know the truth. I couldn't have lived like this without really knowing what happened back then. I...."
This time it was Cyrian who interrupted me. "Let me finish my little Luna. I'm not disappointed in you. I'm disappointed in me. I promised to protect you, it's my job to protect you, but I failed. You cry, you're sad and unhappy. After such a short time together I managed to argue with you, leave you alone and make you run away."
I shook my head so hard that Cyrian stopped speaking, careful not to let loose of his strong arms.
I didn't say anything, just looked into his eyes. Of course he was not entirely innocent in the situation either, after all he had kidnapped me. But I ran away all by myself and it was also my free decision. He was hardly to blame for the argument either, because now I knew how right he had been.
A big smile appeared on Cyrian's face. "Well, then it's just not our fault either, and I'll make sure you're okay, I'll make you happy again."
I really wish I could have returned his smile, but I was sure he would fail. Over the last few years, thinking about my family had strengthened me just as much as my hatred of wolves. But now all that was over. How was I supposed to know what was good and what was bad? How could I be a good person when my ancestors did such things? Wasn't her blood on my hands too?
"Don't think about it so much, try to get some sleep. It's still a long way to go by car."
Only now did I realize that we had reached a paved road. Cyrian hadn't bothered to drive to the curb to park. The shiny black car just sat in the middle of the street.
It's been a long time since I've been in a car. If you don't count the truck that brought us to the arena from home, then I was just driving with my family.
Were they still my family at all? Was the side of you that I knew your true colors or just a mask that covered your cruelty?
Questions and questions swirled around in my head. The worst part was knowing full well that I would never get an answer. My family was dead. There was nobody left to ask. There wasn't even anyone left for me to yell at.
For the first time, the feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me despite being so close to Cyrian.
But I still didn't know him well enough to let him into my heart and after what I learned today I didn't know if I would ever let anyone in there again. The pain of disappointment came at a high price, but the chance for a family came at a high price. But the question now was, was Cyrian worth the price and risk?
Another question I didn't know the answer to. Pondering this, my head finally seemed to give up and released me into the pleasant world of dreams.
My sleep was repeatedly overshadowed by the terrible events of the day. I woke up multiple times screaming, crying and shaking. But every time Cyrian was with me. The first few times I woke up in the car. Cyrian murmured soothing words, drawing lines on my hands with his warm fingers. It reassured me that he was so close and yet not intrusive. Just the knowledge that he was with me was enough to calm me down a bit.
I hadn't even noticed how we had arrived, but the next time I opened my eyes, plagued by nightmares, I found myself back in Cyrian's big bed. He murmured reassurances again and wrapped his arms around me and just held me tight. Unfortunately, he could only dispel my fears in reality. As soon as I slipped back into the dark, confusing world of dreams, I was all alone again.
At some point I decided not to sleep anymore. I tried to stay awake, too afraid to lose myself again in the cruel darkness.
Cyrian also noticed that I wasn't sleeping anymore, but he didn't say anything. I leaned back against his strong chest, trying to take advantage of the quiet moment and gather my thoughts. But it's hard for me. Whenever I focused on what had happened, sadness and anger flooded through me.
It was a cruel whirlpool of emotions and I didn't know how to escape it. It was like fighting against myself.
My body demanded rest, demanded sleep.
But my inner being refused out of fear and preferred to organize the emotional chaos within me.
But my emotions overwhelmed me and I was too exhausted to fight it.
It was a fight inside me that I couldn't win, a vicious circle that would never end.
Eventually, the source of heat moved away behind me. For one thing, it bothered me that Cyrian wasn't that close to me anymore, but I was also glad about that because the heat that had built up in the room was becoming unbearable.
I didn't know how much time had passed when Cyrian returned. He knelt down next to the bed and was now almost at eye level with my face.
I saw his full lips move but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I thought I saw concern in his expression, but I wasn't sure because I couldn't see his face clearly.
Something icy cold settled on my forehead, I shook my head slightly to remove the cold bit when I realized it was Cyrian's hand. So the warmth in the room hadn't come from him, it had come from me.
Only now did I realize how cold it had been in the forest and it even rained for a short time.
That would also explain the strange pounding in my head and why I kept coughing.
Something cold on my forehead again. This time it wasn't Cyrian's hand but a cloth soaked in water.
I wondered if I would die like this. After all this time of fighting, would I just die of hypothermia just like that?
The thought kind of amused me. I had survived so much and now a bit of cold air forced me to my knees.
A prick in my arm made me wince. This is followed by a familiar dark growl.
Only now did I realize that Cyrian was no longer alone. Next to him was another human, or probably a werewolf, who had just injected me.
Cyrian didn't seem to take his eyes off me for a second, but he was also watching the strange wolf closely.
I giggled.
I don't know why, but I couldn't stop laughing. All my worries seemed blown away, or at least covered under a veil of sticky cotton candy.
My ears also seemed to be working again. I could hear the stranger's melodious voice. "Well, the drug is also made for werewolves, the smallest dose of it is still too much for a human, but it is not harmful, the painkiller will wear off soon and then she will calm down again."
Painkiller. Kind of a funny word. I said it slowly, letter by letter. Then again and again with different accents.
"Pain reliever, pain reliever, pain reliever, pain reliever, pain reliever, pain reliever, pain reliever..."
I had to laugh again. Why was it even called painkillers? Shouldn't it be called anti-pain medication or counter-pain medication?
Excited by my idea, I looked at Cyrian and tried to share my idea with him, but somehow the words just didn't seem to line up in my cotton candy-filled head or on my tongue.
Cyrian looked at me in amusement, but even in my foggy state I recognized the concern behind it.
I just watched Cyrian for a while before patting the seat next to me. Without hesitation, he lay down next to me again. I immediately scooted over to him and buried my head on his bare, muscular chest.
Gently, his fingers stroked individual strands behind my ear. I had to admit it was bearable, lying on Cyrian's chest, enjoying his gentle touch and, of course, stoned on werewolf drugs.
When I fell asleep this time, no nightmares awaited me. I didn't know whether it was because of the painkillers or because Cyrian was even closer to me, but finally I was able to flee into a relaxed world and forget all my worries for a moment.