He tapped the syringe several times with his fingernail, then smiled at me as he slowly walked toward me.
"I had to kill her, love. Otherwise I would have lost everything," he then said, and shocked by what he said, I took a deep breath and felt like I was about to drop dead. The truth hit me so deep in my heart that I was sure it would stop beating any second.
"But you know what's really nice, my love. That there's a woman between the two again. Oh, it's just wonderful," he laughed and then stood right in front of me to take my arm in his hand. I couldn't defend myself anymore. Just stood there and was in shock. "Now listen carefully my love. You know I love you and you also know that no one will ever love you like I do. Either you cruelly break their hearts and show the world that you belong to me, or I'll just put a bullet in both of their heads and inject you with so much heroin you'll lose count of the number of times a day you're being abused."
He applied the syringe and I immediately jerked my arm back in shock.
"Stop it, please!" I begged, looking up at him intimidated. "I'll break their hearts! I promise, but don't hurt them."
I cupped his face in my hands and looked deep into his eyes, which made him calm down. Inside, I made a plan to shoot him at the first opportunity. He didn't deserve anything else and I didn't have any other choice.
"And one more thing. If you're going to tell anyone about our deal, think of Benjamin, Love."
My mouth opened and startled by the name that meant my life to me, I took a step back and stared at him with tears in my eyes.
"How dare you put his name in your mouth!" I then screamed in desperation, remembering our baby who had died just a few hours after birth. He was just taken away from me. I couldn't even hold him...
"Why not?" he laughed and I clenched my fists in hatred.
"Because he died you lousy-!"
I desperately wanted to go for him when he grabbed my waist and turned me around so that I was standing with my back against his chest and he held me so tight that I couldn't free myself with all my strength.
"He's alive love and only I know where he is so be my good girl. Forget them both and get my brother back by my side. I need him just like I need you. Trust me, I trust you and then we'll be a family again very soon. I promised you that I'd give you a nice life."
He whispered these words in my ear, but I didn't hear them anymore. Everything seemed to dissolve in that moment. My mind was slipping. My heart died... Even my eyes couldn't recognize anything anymore. There was only emptiness, despair and the all-consuming desire to die.
Pablo let go of me, but I still felt trapped. Unable to take even a step. Neither forward nor back. Even breathing was difficult for me and all I could see was Benjamin. My baby that was taken from me two years ago. Who to this day I thought was dead.
"I hate you," I breathed out, feeling my lips tremble. I wanted to cry, but even that seemed impossible. He took everything from me...
"Ohhh love. Now please don't make a scene and just do what I asked you to do," I heard Pablo's voice behind me. "You alone are to blame for this situation. Every action is followed by a reaction. Don't blame me."
Stunned, I turned to him and looked up into his eyes. How could I ever love him or even feel anything for him. He was the devil himself, even though that was an insult to the devil.
"You've got to make up for what you did wrong," he smiled, stroking my cheek, but I reflexively slapped his hand away, his smile fading, and he swung out and slapped me, snapping my head brought roar.
I held my sore cheek while a beeping rippled through my mind and looked at him in shock. I lost all footing.
"I have more patience with you than anyone else, so don't push it and get out of my office now. Show Natalia how the business works and if Esteban shows up, you'll know what to do."
He kissed me on the cheek, stroking my hair and it occurred to me that being dead was still better than this life, but if he really was telling the truth and Benjamin were alive, then I shouldn't just be allowed to give up.
While I just stood there lost in my thoughts, not functioning at all internally, he went to the door, put the key in and then stepped right in front of me again to lift my chin.
"Good girls don't need punishment, so be a good girl," he grinned broadly, showing me the tip again. I thought at that moment that it would be even better to take this stuff. It would make things a lot easier...
He let go of me, turned his back on me and then my feet, freed from their rigidity, finally began to move again.
With trembling hands, I unlocked the door, walked down the narrow hallway and, repellently, looked for the small cloakroom...
The music, which used to echo loudly through the whole building, suddenly seemed quiet to me. Like under water. My hands wouldn't stop shaking. I stood right in front of the illuminated mirror, looked at my blue eyes, which seemed so cold, and the hatred for myself tore me apart at that moment.
I had left my baby, had left my mother, and now I would lose Esteban and Reahlyn forever...
"Hello," I suddenly heard a female voice behind me, but I was still staring wide-eyed at my reflection and breathing very slowly. Everything seemed to blur. My whole life was pure hell and I didn't even recognize myself anymore.
Could you even feel something like love if you didn't even know yourself anymore?
Did someone like me deserve more than all this pain?
God only gives you as much suffering as you can endure...did he really think I was that strong?
"You're Love, right?", the voice spoke again and suddenly I saw Natalia in the mirror next to me, who looked at me questioningly with her green eyes.
I didn't respond to her. Blocked out her intimidated face and then closed my eyes.
Reahlyn appeared immediately. My light in the dark and as I smiled and opened my eyes after taking a deep breath, I knew very well that he and Esteban would find their happiness even without me... and their happiness would be my happiness.
Esteban had said it himself...
It would take time, but Pablo would surely let me see my son once he trusted me again, so all I had to do was pretend that I was fine and everything would be fine.
"Yes, I'm Love," I then turned to Natalia, who seemed relieved at my reaction.
I explained to her when she had to be there. Told her how often she had to dance and showed her the beautiful dresses and costumes. Warned her about men who made her feel bad. She should always be careful and ideally only choose regular customers.
"I'm sorry," she suddenly murmured, just as I was about to take off my coat and look at her in irritation.
"What do you mean?" I demanded and she bit her lower lip nervously while avoiding my gaze.
"That... That with Pablo. I know you're together," she murmured in embarrassment and I immediately put my hand on her shoulder to calm her.
"And I know that you probably didn't do that voluntarily. Don't worry about it," I forced a smile and slowly I thought I had lost my mind.
Was that possible? To be so broken that you only functioned? That even the pain went away?
Cold and emotionless...
It was better than feeling, but even that small hope of relief from my torment had a bitter aftertaste...
You're too good for this world, Sasha Riley
My mother's voice came to mind, sternly admonishing me to value myself more as I defended a boy who had previously hit me with a shovel.
People will mistake your politeness for weakness...
Yes Mum they did, but maybe I was just a weak person...
As if in a trance, I put on a tight, black dress that felt soft and just barely reached my buttocks. I then exited the booth, my head still pounding in pain, and immediately saw Josh, who looked just as lost as I did, standing behind the counter washing glasses.
Our last conversation hadn't gone well, but he had every right in the world to be angry or disappointed in me. I would be too...
"Hey," I then whispered and sat down on the stool in front of him, but he didn't even notice me. I guess I deserved it...
And then everything went its normal course, like every night. Loud house music played, colorful lights flickered and men kept coming up to me, talking to me about trivial things, buying me drinks and promising to come back later after the show. Natalia then shyly started dancing and the men obviously liked how young and helpless she seemed on stage.
Apparently Pablo was still in the back of the office...
"Come with me," someone suddenly grabbed my arm so hard that I almost fell off the stool and my heart pounded in shock from shock.
I turned around out of breath and it was Esteban glaring at me, wanting to pull me away, but I broke his hold.
"No! I'm staying," I said resolutely, but he took my face firmly in his hands and looked so deep into my eyes that I forgot everything around me for a moment.
"Only over my dead body!", he said menacingly and I felt his breath hit my lips, got goosebumps from it and just had the urge to tell him everything, to count on his help, to entrust all our lives to him... but at what price?
If I didn't really make it clear to him now that he should leave me alone, then not only would he be in danger, but Benjamin too...
My heart died in agony, the fire in me died out and it was like all happiness, love and hope left my body as I looked deep into his dark eyes and at the same time pushed him away from me.
"Get out of my life," I said calmly and composed, knowing that if I showed him even a shred of my weakness, he wouldn't believe me. I had to be tough... even if I cried bitterly inside and wished nothing more than to spare him this pain.