We both moved to the back patio area, closing the sliding door behind us.
Kyle distanced himself and my hands subconsciously relaxed. I wasn't afraid of Kyle, but out of habit I was wary whenever I was alone.
Kyle seemed to notice. He took an extra step back, looking guilty. "Jake..."
"Sorry..." I told him, wiping the sweat from my hands onto my shirt, trying to be discreet. "I'm not scared of you."
Embarrasment and guilt were clearly visble on his face. "I wouldn't be surprised if you were scared of me. I haven't been myself this past month."
I nodded slowly. "I know."
He grimaced. "It must be terribly obvious if even you noticed."
I cracked a smile at the joke. Feeling awkward about standing, I pointed to the steps. "Do you want to sit down?"
"Yea, that'll be better." He sat down first.
I sat down on the other end, just keeping some space.
He spent some time just staring at their fake backstop that can tell how fast they throw. I waited patiently.
"I want to be the best pitcher out there." Kyle stated suddenly. "I want to be better than Dave. Better than Garret. The best in the county and in state."
Unsure of what that had to do with me, I continued to sit in silence.
"I've been mad this past month. With my performance. With Coach not choosing me in the finals. It hurt, it really hurt." He grimaced. "And I lashed out. Not just on you, but on Dave too. I shouldn't be so jealous of my twin, I should support him too. I'm his brother before being his competitor." He glanced at me. "Same with us."
I blinked, confused. "I'm not a pitcher..."
"But you're great. Amazing. Your talent exceeds everyone on the team. Even Zeke. So even though you aren't a pitcher, I was jealous and angry. Jealous of what I didn't have. And then angry because it seemed like everyone around me had some kind of talent that exceeded mine. That's why I'm so intent on getting to that pitching camp this summer. I need to distanced myself from everyone else. Stand out in the crowd."
"You know..." I cleared my throat. "You're not alone. In that feeling that you're behind."
"It's different for you, Jake. You never played any games before yet we're on the same team. We've had different starting points, yet you're already on my level." He shook his head. "No, you're above me. You crushed me during your tryout and made me feel inferior. I feel...since then I've been kind of on edge. But then, I had that perfect game and it helped my self confidence."
I held out a hand to try and interrupt. "I meant, everyone feels that way sometimes. Like they're falling behind." I pulled my knees a little closer, hugging them to my chest. "I still feel that way, not just when it comes to baseball. I can only hit. Everything else...I feel embarrassed." I paused for a second. "I still struggle. With strangers, speaking up, talking to classmates. The list is endless."
He sighed. "That just makes me feel worse. Your problems are so much more than mine. You've dealt with abuse and I'm crying over not pitching in the finals." He covered his eyes. "I'm such a baby."
I frowned. "That doesn't make your problems invalid. You can't compare our struggles." I thought about it. "When I said everyone feels behind, I wasn't being vague. Noah...he feels like he needs to catch up to you guys a lot. The way he looks up to you guys and sees you three as his goal, it makes me a little sad. For him. He can't see how close he is. And then there's Dave. When he was injured, he struggled too."
Kyle uncovered his eyes and looked at me. "Wow. You're more perceptive than I thought." He cracked a smile. "I had a talk with Dave when I first got back. He's been my best friend since birth, but I haven't been acting like it lately. He told me his difficulties on encountering multiple injuries this year. I'm a real jerk, aren't I?"
I laughed a little. "Not even close." I have seen some real jerks in my short life...Kyle didn't make it to the top five. Plus...he's an Atkins. He's good at heart.
"I don't think I've ever heard you talk this much. I really thought I'd be doing most of the talking. Apologizing." He looked me in the eyes. "I really am sorry."
I shrugged, a little uncomfortable with the attention. "It's okay."
"It's not." He corrected me. "You shouldn't be okay with being treated like a spare wheel."
I shrugged again. "Sometimes I feel like a spare wheel."
He was taken aback. "What?! How could you feel like that?? You're one of us, really!" He got off the steps and went down before facing me and looking me in the eye. "Have I made you feel like you don't belong? Is this all my fault?" He looked up at the sky. "Are you punishing me for being selfish, God?!"
My lips twitched. So dramatic. "It's not you, it's me."
He stopped looking at the sky and blankly stared at me. "That's exactly the phrase I used to breakup with Marie. Are you trying to break up with me now??"
I sighed and got up, slightly taller than him thanks to the steps. "You guys make me feel exhausted sometimes." I turned away and headed for the house.
"Wait! What do you mean by that?" Kyle chased after me, yelling.
Noah was waiting at the sliding door, opening it when he saw me coming back. "Hey, how'd it go?"
I smiled. "I think he's back to normal."
"Jakeeee! Tell me what you mean!" Kyle complained from behind me.
Noah raised an eyebrow.
"He's trying to dump me! Like the way I broke up with Marie!" Kyle turned his complains to Noah as we collectively moved to the living room. "And he says I exhaust him! What does that mean by that??"
Noah rolled his eyes. "Obviously that Jake doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with you. You know how he was before. He'll just shut down when he reached his limit. Now leave him alone." He gave Kyle a small push. "Just because Dave has forgiven you, doesn't mean you're okay with me yet. I hope Dad talked your ear off all weekend."
The last sentence made Kyle stop fooling around. "More so on the ride home. He gave me the silent treatment at first." He shivered. "Just sitting quietly in the car. Then made me set up the tent by myself. When we went to hike up the mountain, he didn't say a word."
Noah scoffed. "That can't be that bad. Whatever. I'm going to watch the game. Jeremy is coming over for dinner afterwards."
I sat on the couch with Noah. Kyle joined Dave on the floor, spread out. Zeke ended up joining us later, when the game was halfway through. Seeing the somewhat peaceful atmosphere, he gave a small smile, patted Kyle on the head, and sat down on the couch. A missing piece was put back in place.