After everything he did, and everything I swore I would never let him do again. I crossed that line to sex and I just opened the door to his ability to fuck me up all over again. It hits me like a sucker punch in the stomach as my entire happy mood and tingles give way to crushing self-doubt and the heavy weight of complete panic once more.
Didn’t I learn anything?
Didn’t I tell myself that when it came to sex he changes and turns on me like a caged beast?
I have been down this road before! When I stupidly thought it wouldn’t change anything and it changed EVERYTHING.
My heart is no longer slowing from exertion, but pounding and hammering in my chest as fear and the realisation that he will destroy me all over again hits me hard. It’s what he does. Only this time I’m not strong enough. I won’t be able to take it twice … this time I can’t.
If I thought I loved him before then it’s a pale comparison to how I feel about him now. It’s nothing like last time; it’s more all-consuming and much deeper than I ever thought it could go. He’s fed it somehow; nurtured and made it grow, all while I was telling myself I didn’t care about him. He’s swept me off the rug once more and manipulated and manoeuvred me into a place where he can ruin me all over again. And I walked right into it. Like a complete amateur.
I can’t stay here with him.
Terror grips my throat, catapulting my mind and body in synchronised escape mode and I sit up with the real fear of what I just started. It hits me at full pelt, my body weakening as sweat creeps down my spine and I look to his bathroom door nervously. The only bright light in the room is coming from the gap under the door, and I climb off the bed nervously and run for the lounge.
I leave my underwear behind, find my dress on the floor where he left it and pull it over my head in a hurry. Mind in chaos as my throat dries out and tears sting at my eyes. Heart catapulted into my stomach and I’m only focused on one thing—running!
If I leave he can’t hurt me again. Get out of his reach … out of his grasp … out of his city this time. Go further than he will ever find me.
I can’t and won’t let him mess with my head all over again.
My bracelet catches in my hair as I drag it out of my neckline and I gawp at it in horror, pulling it open instinctively and throw it on the table as though it has burned me. A symbol of his tools and weapons to get into my heart, and I was stupid not to see it.
He wooed me this time, didn’t force his control on me. He was clever, pulled me close and let me fall all over again.
I need to break ties with him … now, fast. Before it starts and I’m too weak to run.
He gets inside my mind and I become a willing prisoner so easily. I have no defences once I know he’s inside of me and now he has all the upper hand. Sex showed him that I still want and need him. It’s all he needed from me.
I drag myself to my room, grabbing shoes and my bag in blind-eyed desperation, furiously trying to gather my wits as I clutch my things to my chest and head back out as quickly as I can. I start running for the apartment door, refusing to look back or take anything else. I just need to go and get far away from him, to safety. I can start from scratch again, it doesn’t matter.
He can have his club back. He can take everything as long as I get to go and get to stay sane.
My heart is almost bursting through my chest as my body flushes with cold fear and I yank at the door to get out.
‘Cam? What are you doing?’ His voice hits me like a freight train, and I turn like a deer caught in the headlights to see him standing at his bedroom door in a pair of boxers, looking at me with an expression that screams complete confusion. He just looks wounded and stiff and the question in his face breaks me completely. Abhorred that I should have a completely guilty reaction, thinking I might hurt him.
That’s how screwed up he has made me.
I start to cry properly, not sure why, but it’s what hits me first as I tremble visibly in front of him; All my scars on show.
‘I have to go … this was a mistake,’ I blurt out, voice strained and all over the place, gasping for air and he just frowns at me more deeply.
‘What are you talking about? Why do you have to go?’ It’s not exactly the unemotional deadpan that I am expecting, it’s more that of a hurt child and I know it’s starting already; getting inside my head, working on me to knock me down.
‘We don’t work … you and I … this is how it starts. Sex ruins everything and I can’t do it again. I won’t survive you a second time.’ My hands are shaking as I cling to my shoes and force them against myself so harshly, they start to bruise and hurt my breasts. Gripping so my knuckles turn white and I can’t keep my eyes on his. Boring into me intensely and I start to falter, my body turning weak as I get dizzy.
Alexi’s face crumbles, and he loses all hints of Carrero confidence, leaving the look of someone I have never seen before; A face that seems to show hints of real emotional turmoil and pain. Real upset.—A play at acting like he cares.
‘It’s not like that this time. Just give me a chance to explain.’ He sounds as broken as me and I try to shake it away. I know it’s a lie, an act, a game to him, but yet, my heart breaks in two and I weep pathetically, showing him all my vulnerabilities and playing right into his hands.
Stupid, stupid girl. I am falling into the rabbit’s hole once more, and he will chew me up and spit me out.
‘Don’t! This is what you do!’ I whimper back at him, clawing at my hair near my temple, prodding myself in the head with a finger manically, looking crazy, messed up on so many levels. I’m scared of him for what he has the potential to do to me. That silver tongue and insane ability he possesses to overpower my soul.
‘You get inside my head and fuck me up … you make me think one thing and then rip me apart with another. You push me to desperate levels where the only option I see to get out is a bad one.’ I clutch at my hair and make grabbing motions over the side of my head, like I am trying to pull out my own brain as I try to reel in the control. Eyes blurry with the tears falling down my face and I can feel my knees giving way under my own weight. Body powerless and at breaking point. It won’t take much for him to strike me down again; so effortless to break me a second time.
Alexi makes a move towards me, shaking his head solemnly, but I jump back, clutching my bag and shoes harder against me, so they start to really hurt me a lot with the pressure I am forcing them against me with, a sign of my sheer petrified state.
I’m terrified of him.
He can hurt me in ways no one ever could and this time … I invited it.
Idiot Camilla. Stupid, fucking idiot.