That sounds more like Alexi’s way of thinking … keep her sweet … keep her amicable … keep her obedient. And we all know how much he loves control.
I push myself out of bed with a heavy sigh. The weight of heartache still lingering as a grey cloud over me and I walk out into the lounge with slow steps. I just feel wretched today, a doom and gloom hovering, and I cannot bear to think of that little furball. The ache in my chest from knowing he’s not out there anymore is heavy and exhausting.
I jump, startled and insides leap to my mouth when I walk into the view of Alexi on the couch in his workout hoody. The one with the sleeves cut away so it’s all tanned and tattooed arms and shoulders on show and sweatpants as he works on his laptop. He has his feet crossed on the coffee table, face down as he reads his screen, and I blink at him twice. Normally he is a rise early and fucks off kind of guy, and yet he’s still here at a time he normally never is.
‘Hey you. You hungry?’ he asks, spotting me. As if this is the most normal thing in the world for us, and I frown at him, not sure if I am still dreaming. There’s a weird air of domesticity in this scene that doesn’t sit right with him here.
‘Not really. I just woke up.’ I answer groggily and pad over to the kitchen dodging looking at him, aware I have bed hair, probably really smudgy makeup from sleeping in it, and yesterday’s wrinkled dress. He doesn’t even seem to notice. I am the one who is overly aware of how shit I must look next to fresh and fine over there.
‘There’re bagels up there if you want them. Mico picked them up for you.’ His steady voice follows me to the counter and I avoid looking back knowing his eyes are on me. I can feel them as my body prickles all over annoyingly.
‘Mico? Where has he been hiding lately? I feel like we have become two ships in the sea at night, that never cross paths very often.’ I point out, glancing back and catch Alexi’s instant frown. A hint of something in that face that makes me turn properly to stare at him, and I perch myself against the cupboard behind me.
‘He’s busy.’ The closed tone and way he avoids my eye hit me immediately, and I instantly know what he’s doing as a light bulb flips on in my head. He’s being evasive and guilty.
‘Oh my God! Are you keeping him away from me—because you’re jealous? You think there’s something there?’ I laugh at the stupidity of it and Alexi at least has the grace to remain silent. He flexes his neck trying to conceal a reaction, but I am slowly learning the tiny Carrero tells on this man. He taps his thumb on the side of his laptop—a sign of stormy thoughts. Uncomfortable at being caught out.
‘You’re unbelievable. Do you think I fancy him?’ I ask again, giggling at how childish he’s being, if that truly is his reasoning, and get myself a dark look thrown my way; annoyed ‘drop it’ glares that make me smile brightly with utter amusement.
‘You two seem awfully cosy. You know he’s engaged right?’ An angry tone, veiled in the calm slick voice and I burst out full-on laughing at him. He’s only cementing my suspicion, even if he cannot admit it.
‘You ARE jealous. Oh, baby,’ I chuckle. Cute voice pandering to him and turn to fill the kettle, smug and amused at something so ridiculous. He really is a huge man-child sometimes.
‘I’m not jealous—he’s busy,’ He repeats sternly, but I just shake my head and carry on with what I am doing. Pulling a mug over and getting the tea bags out of the cupboard.
‘Sure he is … busy doing things you tell him to do, and lately I’m guessing all of those errands are away from here, and me. You’re so transparent.’ I answer smugly and turn to boil the kettle.
‘You’re overthinking it,’ he snaps back moodily, annoyed because I have caught onto his little naughty boy antics.
‘I happen to like his girlfriend. She suits him, and I also have no feelings there whatsoever… other than friendship. He doesn’t do it for me Carrero. He’s hot sure, but not my kind of hot.’ I am lapping it up, completely entertained that under all that intimidating bossy command, he is still an insecure little control freak who hates his toys giving anyone else the attention he demands. It’s strangely adorable.
‘Whatever.’ He churns out childishly and I turn and give him my brightest smile. My whole mood a hell of a lot lighter now I’m teasing him mercilessly.
‘You think I like him more than you?’ I throw a mock pouted lip, and with the baby voice and sarcastic tone, he just throws me a deadpan, irritated stare.
He’s very annoyed!
‘I don’t care,’ he retorts and goes back to typing, only harder and pounding the keys a little aggressively, and that furrowed brow is practically touching his chin.
‘That’s why you have removed him … Right?’ I turn and butt my arse against the counter again and cross my arms over my bust as I wait for my hot water, picking him apart intensely, and he shifts uneasily in his seat.
‘FINE … He’s busy because you two seem to be a little too buddy buddy, and I … he has a girlfriend! One I happen to like, a lot. I’m making sure it stays that way.’ Alexi is trying to cover his arse and make this about protecting his cousin, but he’s not actually very convincing.
‘I don’t want him and I can tell the feeling is mutual; If you are worried that I have a softer spot for him than you … Maybe I did … but maybe I don’t anymore! Stop hiding your cousin in fear I will run off with him, Alexi!’
I sigh honestly, losing the fun in poking him while he looks sullen, and I don’t want to fight. If all this of late is him trying to be a better human towards me then maybe I should return the favour. He was my rock last night and I need to at least respect that—Just this once.
‘I told you, I don’t care,’ he repeats sternly, refusing to back down, and it annoys me a little. A reminder of his favourite way to hurt me in the past and I narrow my gaze at him.
‘You don’t care if I like you?’ I prod, not letting this go because he started something in his car, and we never actually got this out between us. A swirling tension in my lower belly which warns me to put it to bed, but he has stoked my fire now.
Alexi sighs and closes his laptop, as though he has lost the willpower to keep doing what he’s doing, and slides it onto the seat beside him instead, pulling his feet back and landing them on the floor so he can lean forward and locks his eyes on me.
He sighs again; rubbing his palms together distractedly and just seems to stare at me for the longest time.
‘You wanna talk? … Let’s talk. It’s obvious there is something you want to say, or ask me, and I’m right here! I won’t lie to you. Floor’s yours, London. Let’s get this out between us.’ He is all serious now. Eyes on mine, tone husky and genuine, and his expression is that of his softer side. A complete transformation of a bad mood to frank and open and it makes me shit myself. Fear moving in with an increase in heart rate and my palms get instantly clammy.
I stare right back, and even though I have a million things I have stored up to say to this man for the past few months, I have no courage or the strength to be told some home truths. Not while my heart is already fragile and in pain.
When faced with him willing to be honest with me … I am too scared to say the things I need to say, or ask him the three things I have always wanted to know.
Did you care when you were hurting me? Did I ever really matter to you? Why did you honestly bring me back?
I’m scared to ask them because if I do, his answer can still wound me. Despite telling myself a million times I feel nothing for this man … I know it’s a lie I cannot keep hiding behind. I still care and it still matters to me if he ever did.
My voice stays silent and I lose all confidence in how this is playing out. Looking to the floor uneasily and I start picking at my acrylic thumbnail.
‘Nope … nothing. It’s all in your head.’ I swallow hard, my heart hammering as feint moves across my body, and I am instantly lightheaded with the fear of being caught in his direct headlights. My hands shake badly and I turn away to deal with my tea now the kettle has boiled and clicked to off. Glad of the excuse to look away and hide the blush of colour creeping up my cheeks, or the way my bottom lip trembles so badly I have to bite on it.
I do care.
I still love him.
Fuck.
He sighs heavily and the noise of the seat as he either shifts in it or gets up seems to echo loudly in the sudden deathly silence. Alexi seems agitated and I turn and catch him gathering up his papers on the table and his laptop haphazardly. Looking annoyed with tight facial muscles and a stormy look in his eye.
‘I have to go out … I’ll be back later to change for a dinner, but I won’t be around today.’ He sounds how I feel - deflated and weird.
He avoids my eye and there’s a moment of heavy awkwardness between us.
‘Have fun.’ I answer emptily with a fake brightness and get a fake smile from him in response.
Both of us play-acting and I don’t even know why.
‘Stay out of trouble.’ It’s emotionless and cool, as I would expect from him. He doesn’t wait for an answer, just heads to the door and leaves quickly, as though he can’t wait to get away from me suddenly.