Fast cars have always made me nervous and I don’t doubt he has his moments where this car is pulverised for the fun of it, but he seems sensible enough not to drive that way now.
‘We could go eat after … I know a little place that you might like.’ He smiles my way, head on another topic, as is his way. For a moment it’s like being in the company of Gino and I look away perplexed. Too smiley, too laid back and accommodating. Not Alexi at all. He’s in a good mood for sure, but whenever he gets a little too easy companion, I get scared.
‘I thought this was a business trip … now lunch too?’ I ask unsurely and focus on anything but him as he expertly gets us out into traffic without killing Feral. I watch for a second, poised and nervous as we leave through the gate and watch my little furball lift his head from his bowl and watch us go without a hint of reaction. Straining up to peer over the bonnet and then through Alexi’s window as we pass. The cat has really begun to grow in confidence and Alexi frowns at him and then at me and my overly concerned face.
‘It’s eating, nowhere near my wheels, so relax … And it’s something we both need to do so it’s easier to get food on the way back than having something here later. Do you good to get out more.’ Alexi’s tone drops, a little bossier, commanding, and I relax with the appearance of it. Used to this persona.
‘It’s not a date?’ I ask haughtily and Alexi throws me a frustrated glance before focusing back on the road.
‘God forbid you should go on one of those with me, right?’ He sounds mildly sarcastic and I just shrug at him.
‘You said it, not me.’ I point out and relax back as he rather confidently manoeuvres his roaring beast of a car along the road into mainstream traffic and gets us going quickly.
I like his car, it suits him.
Dark, purring and powerful, with a lot of vroom under the bonnet. It’s sexy in a flashy sporty way and completely panty combusting when that roar vibrates from even the smallest amount of acceleration. I have never really been a girl who gets wet over machines like this, but with him behind the wheel, I can see the merits.
‘Would it be so bad to give me another chance? Wipe the slate clean?’ Alexi throws me a cautious look; I can’t tell if it’s genuine or if he’s taking the piss and I automatically laugh.
‘Once bitten, twice shy … I don’t do second chances.’ I point out, clamping down on whatever this is and ignore the way his eyes stay on my face, intensely, for a moment. It’s making me uneasy and already I regret coming; Anxiety starting to build deep down and that heavy foreboding gnawing away inside.
I am not playing his games. I am not letting him pull me back into whatever this is. He’s obviously bored and has his eye on a rematch with me. I should have known an invite would be loaded.
Over my dead body.
‘Yet, you’re here with me … so I guess somewhere under all that fiery rage, you must have forgiven me a little bit.’ Alexi doesn’t sound smug or even amused, but there is something in the tone which doesn’t sit with me. A probing niceness that is definitely not real.
‘Why are we talking about this? I thought we were all business here?’ I point out and he frowns this time.
‘All business, yet we buy each other gifts?’ He nods at my wrist and I actually regret wearing it now if he is going to read into it or use it as emotional leverage. I pull my hand into my lap and glare at him this time.
‘Okay … Spit it out, because I know it has an angle, as does this car ride and this topic of convo. What devious shit head plans do you have for me huh? Is this part of your ‘swoon her and strangle her’ routine again? Bored that we are too docile and nothing majorly emotionally traumatic is happening?’ I turn on him and raise my eyebrows combatively, not going to sit here and let him start all this shit with me again. Alexi just frowns and looks away, body sagging slightly.
‘Forget it … I’m just trying to find some middle ground with us, Cam. I know why you feel the way you do about me.’ He hits sulky face and low tone and it just irritates me hellishly.
‘Well, you can drop it. I came back to run the club, nothing else. I would appreciate it if you just kept this as it is—business only! We work better when it’s kept that way.’ I point out bitterly and try to unstiffen myself in the seat to relax, but he has me all wound up and anxious.
‘Yeah … Business.’ He mutters it under his breath and this time doesn’t look at me, sullen suddenly and just focuses on driving instead. Despite the fact he’s the one who riled me, it makes me feel guilty, which then makes me feel pissed at him for evoking that emotion; Always screwing with my feelings in some annoying way. I shake my head and it’s out before I can stop it.
‘Look … I know I should be thankful that you did come back for me when you did. My life wasn’t going too well, and it’s not that I am not grateful, Alexi, it’s just …’ I trail off; losing my nerve and stopping short of saying ‘You broke my heart irreversibly.’ Because that’s what he did, on top of all the rest of the horrible crap he put me through. He destroyed me, he ruined me, he left me desolate and the first month of life without him was like living in a state of emptiness. I can never let that happen to me again.
‘I hurt you. I get it … I know.’ He finishes it for me and I tense and look out of the window, tears brimming like pools on my lower lashes, trying so hard not to let this conversation affect me.
At least he acknowledges what he did wrong—I guess that’s a step forward from how he used to be with me.
Neither of us says anything more, a heavy silence in the air that taints the whole atmosphere, and I’m drawn to the fact he seems as stiff and tense as me. Silence deafening because of how much tension is swirling between us, and I can’t stand it.
‘Thank you for my bracelet anyway.’ I breathe out after it finally gets too much for me and touch it gently, almost automatically. I do love it, more than I want him to know. No one ever just bought me a gift for the sake of it before, and even though I’m sure there’s got to be a reason for it, he still hasn’t made it clear or thrown one at me, so maybe it is what it is.
Just a gift he thought I would like: For my birthday.
‘Thank you for my socks.’ Alexi breaks into a half smile and the weird static lifts a little. Air clearing and the lead on my chest subsides too. I hate it when we fight; he has the ability to make everything feel awful without trying to.
Despite myself, I smile softly. Knowing they are on his feet and it is still pretty ridiculous to me. Killing the bad mood and lifting the few last traces of bad feeling between us.
‘You’re so strange sometimes.’ I giggle involuntary and Alexi glances my way with another cute boy smile then an obvious sigh as his expression brightens up.
‘Says the British chick with the psychotic kitty cat as a pet.’ Alexi leans out and pushes me in the thigh with his palm childishly and I just slap his hand back.
‘No touching!’ I jest at him, no conviction behind it, and more of a warm reminder as he lifts his hand over my thigh in mock threat.