He just seems half-arsed and more interested in staring at me than using his actual skill in convincing me. This isn’t the negotiator and lord of mind games I know and despise—this is some weak offer with no real conviction.
Must not want me at his club that bad after all!
I just shake my head at him in utter disappointment that even when throwing me a deal, it seems begrudged … or something. I actually don’t know what it is. He’s infuriatingly unreadable, even if his heavy exhales and frowns hint that he’s frustrated.
‘You want me to say I’m sorry?’ Alexi jumps to his feet suddenly, startling me out of my own head and walks towards me. He stops when I back away into the corner, panic hitting my face as everything inside of me tumbles into my toes feebly. Knocked by his sudden movements and losing every ounce of courage. His face changes subtly from determined and serious to another unreadable expression, less determined and serious. I don’t even try to fathom what it is, because he looks as tired as I feel, yet I know it’s probably an act. He is the one single male on the planet I have never been able to read in any way, even knowing some of his tiny tells. I know for sure; he never shows you what’s really going on under his mask … it’s always illusion.
‘Maybe,’ I shrug with one shoulder sarcastically, in a bid to dismiss my responses, cover my stumble. Glaring at him now he’s closer as a warning to back off—nervy of his proximity and back to fighting my bodily reactions to this man.
‘I’m sorry. Is that what you need to hear? I’m sorry for how it panned out, how it ended. I’m sorry for all that I did and said … I was wrong … I was an asshole. I. Am. Sorry! I NEED you in my club, Cam. My club needs you back at the helm once more. ‘
Alexi and his amazing attempt at genuine sorrow, worthy of an Oscar with that almost believable performance. Almost! I can’t help the bitter taste that consumes me and the internal anger that comes out of me so easily. I shake my head and do to him what he did to me when I put myself out there and tried to tell him how I felt, fuelled with complete abhorrence at his pitiful attempts. I applaud his efforts; clapping my hands softly and send a fake smile his way.
‘Well done. Almost believed you for a moment and then I remembered, you’re incapable of remorse or guilt, and I don’t actually care about your club. It’s nothing to do with me anymore and it can sink for all I care.’ I drop my hands and just stand my ground, obvious toxicity in my tone, watching that unemotional face as he scans mine, and we stand locked in a silent war of stubborn minds—Neither willing to back down, and neither capable of doing so.
‘Well, that’s a lie.’ He smarts at my response, irritation rising for sure and I just raise a smug brow and smile at him as if to say ‘Really?’ Alexi’s calm demeanour sizzles away fast.
‘You want to stay here, in this shithole and go back to what? Waiting tables in that little pink dress on your floor over there, Meghan? Really looks like you’re doing so well for yourself.’ He pans the room with his hand and frowns my way, knowing he has the upper hand in what he is offering, but I really do not give a crap. I hate that he obviously picked up my dress and read my name badge … nosy bastard!
‘I would rather rot here, wasting myself in a diner than ever get stuck in the same place as you again. Been there, done it and own the fucking t-shirt!’ This time there is real venom in my voice, bruised heart showing through because he has me backed against a wall, and he knows it. My life is shit and I’m in a desolate place with a bleak future that anyone can see with one look at this place. He is offering me a real way out, a way back to something I want, and yet, I would rather suffer in hell than let him play with my head again … than let him act as the hero, when really all I would become is his little pawn to pull to pieces and throw in the gutter when he was done; All over again.
I am no fool that cannot see past him this time. Alexi is a cold bastard who only cares about what’s good for business and what keeps him amused. He plays games, he uses people, and he discarded me when I lost what little leverage, I had in his world. It would just repeat all over again.
‘This is business, it wouldn’t be the same,’ he implores in a gentler tone, trying to simmer that burning fire I can see so clearly in the tight jaw and straight brow, but I can’t simmer my own volcano now he’s stirred it up.
‘It was meant to be business last time, until you fucked me. Do you remember that Alexi? YOU fucked ME! You are the one who took it from that to the train wreck it became. Why the hell would I give you a second chance at it? What’s the matter? You disappointed that the gun jammed, huh? Want a do-over?’ I spit my words at him, tears biting at me from nowhere as I stupidly let him get to me. Being tired and poorly really plays havoc with my ability to cope emotionally, and he’s an arsehole who pulls this shit out of me. I try and hold it together, really pull it back inside, until I can barely see through the blurry haze of misty eyes, aching throat from trying so hard not to cry and hating that he still gets to me like this.
‘I never wanted that. Why do you think I tried to stop you?’ Alexi walks at me again, eyes flashing with anger at my accusation and I back away from him at speed, this time banging my back on the wall and slide down as fear makes my legs crumble. He caught me off guard, upset and struggling to pull myself together. It’s no wonder I overreact. He still has that effect on me even now and I curse myself for letting him see it; Hating my own pathetic inability to stand up to him when I am emotionally low.
Alexi stops suddenly, surprised by my response especially since half an hour ago I was trying to take his head off, and he moves back. His eyes on me as I cower down here, and he turns away to stare across the room, the side of his profile on show and I watch silently as he tenses his jaw off and on as though he’s trying to regain his calmer demeanour. He takes a moment and looks back at me and I swear for a tiny flicker of a moment I see guilt, apprehension and something else—real regret—maybe. I just don’t know.
I flush with shame at behaving this way and struggle to bring back some of my sass. Camilla is fading into fatigue and I need her to keep me strong in his presence.
‘I’m not going to hurt you, in any way, I swear.’ He breathes it out softly, almost endearingly but I’m not dumb enough to fall for that shit. His hand twitches by his side as though he’s contemplating a hand to help me up, but knows I will refuse again. I just blink away the evidence of my pain and try to stop it all pouring out more effectively.
‘I don’t believe you. You’re not capable of making that promise.’ My voice shakes, honest emotion breaking through finally, and I inwardly slap myself for letting him see me break. Months of building up resistance to his effects and it comes down in minutes of his appearance. I haven’t moved on at all.
Alexi looks at the floor, frowning. A look of shame washing over his face in a flicker and then it’s gone.
‘I need you in the club, at work. That’s all I am asking for. I will keep my distance, give you space and control and you can negotiate the terms you want. You won’t be mine anymore … You will be a partner in business and can leave whenever you please. I will stay the fuck away if that’s what you need me to do. I won’t cross the line where you are concerned.’