I finish about two levels louder and higher, as rage consumes me, and he just continues to stand there like the silent black statue I know he can be. Unfazed by bat shit crazy Camilla! It irks me that he has that same insane ability and just fuels how irritated beyond reason I am.
She’s still in there! My fighter, my self-esteem! What little of it I have; and she is rising in all her glory, fuelled by Alexi hatred right now. I need to hold onto that and let it feed and fuel my willpower. He may have knocked me down to dust, but I have the know-how to mix it back up to cement and rebuild my fortress. I have done this a million times before.
‘That’s not what this is …’ Mico breaks into my rambling thoughts.
‘Stop it! I don’t want it and this conversation is over. Please just go. If we’re done then I just need to get better, get out and know where to collect my belongings.’ I snap at him, closing down, pushing away. He may be my friend, my first real one, but I am doing the only thing I know how to do in life to protect myself. I am running away. Emotionally, mentally and when I am well—physically. I don’t need other humans touching my life anymore. I am better when they are all gone. It has been proven time and again.
‘Camilla?’ Mico soothes, trying to reason and moves towards me, pleading look enveloping that face and trying to soften my resolve, but I raise a palm. Remorse at being rude to him pushed down by my inner steel. I know what’s best for me.
‘I’m sorry. I am really thankful for all you ever did, but you and him … I just need you both gone. I don’t need you standing guard by my bed or waiting for me to change my mind. It’s over—all of it. It’s a concussion and I’m not suicidal. I was drunk and stupid and caught in his spell … it’s not the case anymore and I won’t be downing booze anytime soon. Go, please Mico. I just need to let all of this go, and that includes you.’
Mico stops stock still, and we both regard one another, eyes focused and I try not to imprint the memory of his face in my mind as the one human being who was really decent towards me. I know I am putting myself first and this is the right thing. It only hurts for a little while and then it will all go away. I won’t care about him soon and I will forget what he ever was. That’s how this works on both sides.
I don’t have friends.
I have to remember that.
He just waits for what seems like an eternity as he analyses the stubborn set of my jaw and finally relents. He has the sense to know this is a battle he will not win. I won’t back down and all of this is just delaying the inevitable. He sighs heavily, eyes dropping as his intense digging of my features soothes away.
Mico picks up the money and holds it for a moment, weighing it as though he’s thinking of trying again. Defeat crosses his face as he thinks better of it and slides it back into his jacket with a precise even movement.
He pulls out a card instead and holds it out to me with a more determined half smile and locks his eyes back on mine with a newly returned unemotional gaze.
‘Keep this. It’s my direct number and I will be on the end of that cell phone should you ever need help, in any way, at any time … I’m not my cousin Camilla. I’m your friend and I will still care about you even when you’re gone.’ His voice is gentle.
It’s a weird moment.
Eyes locked silently. So many feelings coursing through me and I sniff back an unexpected tear. My heart aching with this strange tenderness, and doubt hits me low in the gut. Mild panic swirling that maybe I shouldn’t be so hasty.
If only Mico was the guy I had fallen in love with and had no other woman in the wings keeping his bed warm.
Maybe I could have a chance to be happy with someone who might treat me a little better.
I never had a friend—not a real one, and now I do I am telling him I never want to see him again.
I am going to walk away the same way I came into the Carrero world—alone and beaten.
I lean out and take it carefully, so as not to touch his hand, and cradle it in my palm like a precious gem as my eyes come back to his. Brimming with tears and unable to formulate a response with the sudden lump that has lodged in my throat. I try for a smile instead and he just nods. Seemingly understanding of the raw emotion that must be evident on my face.
He may not have ever been a lover, but my heart is breaking, nonetheless.
‘Hang in there, kid … You’re stronger than you think, and I don’t doubt you will bounce back. It’s the thing I admire most. I’ll miss your face and that British sass and the club won’t be the same without you … I’ll make sure your belongings are brought here so you don’t have us hanging over you anymore, bill’s paid. You just have to get better.’ Mico swallows, clearing his throat as though he too is suffering from a sudden surge of uncontrollable emotions. His eyes misting, and he looks away from me to the open doorway.
‘Goodbye, Mico,’ I whisper so it’s barely audible, and he nods. Clears his throat again, as though it’s hurting him too. We both know I will never call and this is the last time he will ever see me. We are drawing a line in the sand and after this, I won’t be a Carrero problem anymore.
That’s it.
Our sad goodbye and he turns on his heel and leaves me alone to ponder what just happened. Heavy and pain ridden.
Struggling to breathe as he disappears for the last time.
My brain pushing it all aside and focusing on the only thing that matters now. After almost a year of agony.
I’m free.
With the money in my bank account, from working for Alexi with practically no living expenses, and nothing in my path to stop me. It’s not a huge amount, but it’s enough to scrape by if I am smart until I am back on my feet and find a place to begin again.
It’s what I am good at.
Moving, leaving, wiping the slate clean and starting everything over again.
I am Camilla Walters and running is what I do best.