‘’I just wanted you to see me, to talk to me,’’ I whisper, lost in my own head and the surreal haze that’s surrounding me now. I feel like this is a dream and if I could rewind and go back a few minutes then I would. I sound like a crazy person having a mental break, maybe I am. Booze and Alexi’s head games pushed me to a place I never thought I would ever go. He broke me.
‘‘You know maybe you should just pull the trigger if it makes you feel better. Maybe it’s the only way out of this.’’ He smirks again and I focus my tear blurred vision on his face, breaking in two. A face I came to love and hate at the same time and now a face that sends the fear of God into me.
I don’t know if he’s being serious or playing with my head as he has that mask of deadpan on his face, and I cannot read him from his calm demeanour or lack of emotions at this moment. I want him to shut up and stop talking because he’s only making me worse, and I literally cannot stop shaking all over.
‘’Are you going to kill me?’’ It’s out before I can stop it and I swear there is a flicker of something in his eye that looks a little like hesitation, so fleeting I cannot be sure. My heart stops and my stomach somersaults, knowing that could mean the answer is yes. I knew I would never walk away from this.
‘’It’s more fun to make you suffer for a lifetime, London. I might just tie you up and keep you as my plaything in my little black room of whips and chains, teach you to never point a gun my way again.’’ The words are his usual venomous hatred but the tone is missing. He sounds as empty as I feel and his words don’t hit me with the same fear and intimidation that they normally do. It confuses me, but I know by now that he is all acts, games and lies and I should never fall for a single thing he does or says.
He is smarter than me and more able to play mind games. Even though I am the one holding the gun, I know I will be the one who dies tonight. He will turn this around somehow, and I’m no match.
‘’I just wanted you to care about me.’’ It’s heartfelt and true, words from my soul, barely breathed they are so quiet, but he hears me and weirdly he looks away and then down at his feet. I don’t know what I see, a glimpse of a look of remorse for a fleeting second, a lull in his master plan on how to handle this maybe?
Maybe just stalling so he can think of how to handle me, and my arms are already drooping with the effort of holding up this unearthly metal object. It’s like a tonne weight in my hands and even my shoulders are vibrating with the effort. It’s icy cold in my pale hands and crying out at me to drop it.
I need to do something and soon before he can simply walk over and take it from me. I should just give it to him. I can’t though. It’s all that stands between me and the world of pain he can reign down on me.