Heart pounding with adrenaline coursing through my body, my breathing hard with the realisation that I have got up here and am really doing this as I push my way inside and blink as the first set of dim lights in the lounge come on. It’s obvious he’s not here as the place is in darkness and the lights come on as I walk through to check the rooms. I always loved the motion activated lights in here, but hardly a great thing when you are trying to be stealth and go unseen. I check both bedrooms, he is definitely not up here, so I’m at a loss as to what to do.
If I chance going down then someone will remove me or cause a huge scene. There’s hope that no one was watching the monitors as I got in here and I’m safe and secure. I hope with me not staying here Alexi has no need to activate the cameras inside the apartment, so I could realistically stay here unseen for hours if no one comes up. Worst case scenario, I spend the night and have to sneak out in the early hours before the staff come in to start cleaning at six a.m. Alexi would never know and I would get back in time for Mico picking me up at the apartment.
Feeling listless I head for his mini bar and start rummaging for booze to make sure I do not lose this bravado and hide under the bed all night. I will need my drunken superhero sense to get out of here at some point and would rather stay completely sloshed in the process of making an utter idiot of myself. I don’t want to sober up too much and start rationalising any of this shit. I would rather stay oblivious of sense for the time being and swallow down another bout of tears at the hopelessness of what I am doing.
Dumber than dumb, this has to be the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life, yet here I am. Who am I trying to kid that this was only ever about giving him a piece of my mind? I came here to see someone my heart is pining for, no matter what I tell myself.
He doesn’t trust me, that’s what Mico said, and maybe he needs to hear me tell him this isn’t a game and that I care about him, that I love him. He is like me, protecting his heart and his head, maybe he just thinks I’m using him in some way and is pushing me away to protect himself, the way I do with people.
That’s what my stupid head has come up with as I down another few rank mixed cocktails in a bid to get the drunkest I have ever been in my life. I end up sitting on the floor of the kitchen area and bursting into another bout of heart-wrenching tears.
What the hell is wrong with me? I have never felt this desolate or lost in my life, even after everything I have lived through. It’s a whole new level of pain and despair and I cannot handle any of it. It’s like all my absent emotions of the past twenty years of my life have somehow come together in one mass ball and decided to let loose on me at this very moment.
I just want it to end, for the pain to stop, for my brain to still, and downing drink after drink isn’t helping at all. It’s making it worse, yet I can’t stop.
I lean forward holding a bottle of vodka by the neck and plant my face on my knees in a bid to calm down. Breathing so hard and crying so much that it’s physically impossible to take a breath, and I try to level myself off a little. My ribs ache with the effort, my head still swimming, I just feel physically fatigued.
‘‘What the fuck are you doing here?’’ Alexi’s voice startles me with a jump and I spin up and turn to the door where he is standing like a giant aggressive bear. That little blonde bombshell cowering behind him.
My insides melting to cold mush and his eyes are like steel knives aimed right at mine. I cannot look away even though it fills me with complete regret at being here. I know this feeling of fear well as it consumes me, and sense finally slaps me with the absurdity of what I have done in coming here.
His presence reminds me of how much he intimidates me just by being in the same room, and I sink into the carpet in regret. This was sooooo dumb.