Mico’s voice drifts my way as he starts talking to the girl, and I can guess by Alexi’s overly long pause that he can hear him in the room.
‘’Look Cam, just forget it…… It’s just better this way. Don’t make it harder.’’ Closed down, voice hardening along with my plans of putting him out of my head tonight. It’s almost as though Mico’s appearance triggered Alexi’s arsehole side and that tiny uncertainty he had in his voice moments ago is gone in the blink of an eye as my heart sinks, nose diving my mood and making me feel that awful wretched way that he is crazily good at pulling out of me.
I just want to cry all the time nowadays, and I know he is at the root of it. The sooner I cut Alexi from my life the better.
‘’Sure it is.’’ I sound sarcastic but part of me agrees that distance and lack of his presence might be excruciating but needed. I can get my brain out of my arse without him hanging over me all the time, although I am not too pleased about the location or the urgency to go anywhere. I’m fragile despite agreeing that he is toxic for me.
‘’Glad you agree. Guess there won’t be any need to delay, right?’’ He hones in on my attitude and gives me some of his own.
‘’I don’t want to go. Not Chicago anyway, anywhere but there, please.’’ It’s out before I can try and hide it, the raw shakiness of my voice, defeat and lack of fight, the fact I am almost instantly on the verge of tears because he is an arsehole, and I am mentally unstable if he even breathes in my direction nowadays. He has ruined my emotional state for eternity.
‘‘Why? What’s wrong with Chicago?’’ It’s a command rather than a question and that weird edge to his voice that glints at a brewing mood. I stifle a sob knowing what’s coming without trying, another Alexi eruption because I dare question his decisions and sniff it back. Too tired for this. I refuse to let him know how vulnerable he makes me, it’s not just from being unwell, it’s him, it’s always fucking him.
The past few days are not forgotten just because he is being civil and spent a night taking care of me. I am all over the place where he is concerned and part of me is longing for the gentle lover who held me close and kissed me passionately the night he protected me from an attempted abduction. The other part hates him and never wants to see him again, afraid of the person who can kill without remorse, yet the two continuously coincide and neither takes dominance. It’s exhausting.
Has he forgotten what I watched him do, what I know he did? I am still shaken and messed up from all that has taken place before last night and yet he’s acting like it never happened at all. Like it doesn’t matter he threatened to end my life only days ago.
I push it all down deep inside and play this like he does … ignore it, pretend it’s not an issue, and all I care about is the conversation in hand even if I have started to feel pasty and weak.
‘’I just don’t want to go back, there is nothing there for me.’’ It’s out a little pointedly, barely concealing my emotional state but it just serves to aggravate him.
‘’There is nothing here for you either, so what difference does it make?’’ He’s annoyed at me for God knows what anymore and slowly the little tiny flicker of resignation inside, against all the odds, blows out and anger rears her ugly head. Hurt at his words and his complete lack of emotion for me after everything. Even though I know this, and it’s not a fucking shock. He just looks for any way to stab me in the heart with just how much he wants me gone. I don’t know how many times I tell myself I am an idiot for hoping I mean something to him, and I am stupidly repeating the same shit over and over. Stuck on repeat.
‘’How would you know what is here for me or what I ran from in Chicago? Not once have you ever asked me about what I want or what I need, it’s always about the great fucking Alexi and what you want. You don’t give a shit about me, so don’t even pretend to act like you care about why I don’t want to go.’’ A knee-jerk backlash because he wounded me, and we are back in that cycle of fighting where we just both seem to want to wound and spit fire at one another.
‘‘Stop being difficult, it’s all bullshit and manipulation to make me change my mind.’’ This time it’s a snap and that icy manner is losing its cool. He has a fiery side too and occasionally I seem to know how to spark it without effort. More so the longer I am cursed with him.
‘’Fuck you. You have no clue and I don’t need to explain anything to you about it either. You can’t make me go, and if you do I’ll not fucking stay there. You won’t be around to make sure I stay!’’ I yell it at him, losing my own cool and stiffen when I realise both Mico and the girl are staring at me from where they are, still and alarmed at my outburst. Mico looks at me with a sigh and a head shake so I turn my back on them and head towards the bedroom for privacy, away from prying eyes and ears, close to tears.
‘’I swear to God, you WILL do as I say and if you dare run …’’ Low and steady, the danger tone that brings all my hair to stand on end but I bite down and ignore the warning.
‘’What? What if I run, huh? What will you fucking do to me? Choke me half to death and snap my fucking neck? Maybe I don’t give a shit anymore Alexi! Maybe I don’t give a toss about what you want me to do.’’ I am goading him, my own anger biting through tears and my voice as equally venomous as his.