I don’t have any idea how long I was inside the bathroom, looking at the mirror. I glanced down at my body and that my breast and hips grew wider. I caress my thighs, stroking my stretch marks. I lose touch with my body and now that I have the time to see my skin wholly, it’s making me insecure to go out. I know the quotes about embracing your flaws but I couldn’t help but to notice them. I fondled on my lips, scratching my arms slightly.
“God, this is such a torture…” I mumbled, closing my eyes and letting my body lean against the wall. I want to change outfit again but I know Steve wouldn’t let me get out of the hotel suite. He wants me to be confident about myself, to show what I can do, and what my body is for. I understand his concern, but Harry is right, there’s a lot of people out there who has body goals than me.
I sighed, opening my eyes when Ethan flickered inside my head. I wondered what his reaction would be if he’s awake? Would he let me wear a bikini? Or not?
‘You have stretch marks…’
My eyes widen and my heart beat accelerated when I recalled the first time Ethan notice I have stretched marks. He did pointed it out but not in a pessimistic way.
‘Sorry, do you think it’s ugly?’ I asked him, lowering my vision on the ground when he chuckled.
‘Ugly? Fuck, your flaws what makes your fucking beautiful. I don’t care about stretch marks. What matters is that you exist.’
My tears swelled up with the sudden splashes of my memories with Ethan. He did made me feel special after that. He made sure that I won’t look at myself low again. I shook my head, it’s like I’m saying he’s dead when he’s just sleeping back at the house. I do hope he would wake up soon and we can be together again. He’s there, but I couldn’t feel his presence.
“Natasha!”
I flinched when Steve banged his hand on the door, calling my name. I guess I have been here for hours now that made him stomped again on his feet. I let out a sighed, thinking of Ethan’s words. I just hope he won’t get mad once he found out I wore a bikini in front of two attractive guys. Well, he have my heart and my faith. He’s the only beast I can tame.
I touched the door handle, twisting it open before stepping out of the bathroom.
“Finally!” Steve complained, taking a step back while gawking at me shamelessly. He look at me from head to toe, the side of his lips were curling up giving me a risque smile. I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms to hide my chest.
“My, you didn’t tell me you’re literally body goals, Natasha.” Steve wiggled his eyebrows. I gave him the finger and he laughs at it, clenching on his stomach before walking closer to my spot.
“So, are you ready to go out?” Steve asked and that made me rethink about my life decisions.
But then they have been patiently waiting for me the whole day and I am delaying much of the adventures that awaits us outside. I guess there’s no harm in stepping out of my comfort zone. After all, I did changed my hairstyle and my way of make-up. No one would notice, which is I hope so.
“Yeah, I’m ready.” I smiled and did a high five with him.
“How about you, dude?”
We both glance at Harry whose eyes were gawking at me. I did realized that he’s been staring at me all this time. When our eyes lock for a moment, I saw how his pupils dilated and how his expression shifted back to its normal state. Harry smiled slightly, nodding in response to his friend’s question.
“Well the, that settled!” Steve grabbed both of our hands and pulled us out of the hotel room.
I suddenly panic when I remember that I am only wearing a bikini but then my terror faded when I saw a group of people who were also wearing one piece, two piece and beach shorts. I guess I Steve is right. I won’t see a single person out here wearing a long dress like I was wearing earlier. It would make me look like a weirdo.
We reached the elevator and Steve was the one who pressed the down button. The elevator opened and I saw it was crowded. Good thing the three of us can still fit inside so we step in, fondling with each other in the small space. I was taking a step back when I hit something behind me. I turned around and saw it was Harry. He smiled awkwardly when he saw me looking, and scratch the back of his head.
“Sorry…” he said and I waved my hand in dismissal because I should be the one who is sorry, not him.
The elevator closed. The state of your spirit leaving your body for a moment while riding it and went back to your body again when it halt. The elevator made a sound and it open ,releasing everyone who is inside. I step my feet out and saw the lobby.
“Come on!” Steve hurriedly sprint at the exit, running like a kid who just get out of his home after years of staying inside his room. I closed my eyes, sighing and shaking my head in disappointment. A full grown man acting like a child. What can I expect to a man like Steve?
We trail behind him, following him outside of the hotel. I covered my eyes with my back hand when the sun hit my confront. The blew of wind caress my skin and I could hear the laughter and yells coming from the tone of children playing and running on the sand. There are also couple who are having their time spent here at the beach, family gatherings, group of friends…you name it.
I couldn’t help but smile when I remember Ethan back home. If he’s awake and he’s here with us, I know he would also enjoy it. He might find it scary at first because there’s a lot of people here and we can stumble upon danger, but I am always here beside him to calm him down.
“Are you okay, Natasha?”
I glanced at Harry beside me when he ask. His voice was laced with concern. My brows furrowed and he must have notice the confusion in my face because he explained further.
“I mean, you can tell me that you’re having a hard time adjusting. I can take you back to the hotel room if you want to. Don’t worry about, Steve. I will handle that jerk.” Harry mumbled, narrowing his eyes when he mentioned his friend.
I laughed, tapping on his chest slightly. Harry paused and stood still when I took a step closer to him. He looks down at me, watching me beneath his long lashes. I smiled, motioning that it’s alright.
“I can take it, don’t worry. Besides, we’re here to have fun not to kill that fun.”
I grab his hand and started to run towards the splashes of water. The whispers of the sea was calling me and there was this prickling sensation that’s forming in my stomach and my heart was throbbing rapidly. Not that I was feeling something bad is going to happen but after months of being chased by the authorities and running away from their sight, I finally felt happy and…free.
It’s like I haven’t felt this thing for so long my heart suddenly weighed down. I let go of Harry’s hands when we reached the waters. I slowly turned my head on the waves, watching and observing how the sea attacks and draws back again. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and I could feel the tears in the corners of my eyes that were pushing to stream down.
So, this is what feels like when you’re seeing the boundaries of your freedom. I have the choice to step my feet on the water, but something is also telling me that once I step in, there’s no way out. I am scared to actually feel it because what if, something will happen? What if this is my last chance to sense this ability to act without confinement? To have my own privilege to touch the waters?
Should I risk it?
“What are you waiting for, Natasha?”
Harry spoke beside me and I didn’t look at him. Instead, I closed my eyes for a moment letting the cold and harsh blew of air touch my skin. I could feel the burning rays of sunshine coming from the sun. The blissful yells of the crowds. The whispering of the waves. I felt a tear escape my eyes and I heard Harry’s panicking voice.
“Wait, why are you crying, Natasha? What’s wrong?”
I gradually opened my eyes then look at him. I saw how his expression changed when he saw I am smiling, at the same time, bailing my eyes out.
“Words can not describe how happy I am today, Harry.” my voice cracked and I think he quickly understood it. He let out a sighed of relief, shaking his head before putting his hands above his waist.
“I’m glad you’re happy, Natasha.”
He placed his hands on my hair then shuffled it, playing with the strands. I laughed and push him slightly.
“Because you deserve to be happy.” he said before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the water.
We met Steve halfway and we played with the sea waves. Harry and I were laughing while we’re making fun of Steve who was having a hard time with the waves.
“I wouldn’t let anyone take that smile away from you, Natasha.” Harry mumbled beside me and when I look at him he was laughing while pointing at Steve.
For a moment there, I didn’t saw Harry…but I saw my husband, Ethan.