Mabel left reluctantly and only then could Nate breathe a sigh of relief. He watched her go into town leaving just him and Rachel. But once she left he didn’t know what to say or do. All he had in mind when he left the heart of the city was to see Rachel and now that he was here what words could he say? Would words be enough?
“You keep losing weight. The last time I saw you your suit hung on you and now…at least you shaved this time.”
He smiled at her words. “I don’t think I planned my arrival properly then. I would have fattened myself up on the way if I knew you were concerned about my size.”
She stared at him, her brown eyes dark in the dying light. There was no smile for him. He didn’t expect her to smile and welcome him with open hands anyway. He wanted to convince himself she was alright, he was here now he could see she was doing good…he should get back into his car and drive off.
But he didn’t.
“How is your shoulder?” she asked.
He raised his brows, surprised that she remembered. But then again it had been just two weeks since the attack – or was it a week and a half? Point is, it was still fresh in his memory but he hadn’t expected her to remember given what Jacob tried to do to her too.
“It’s healing. I have been healing. I heard what happened to you…I’m sorry.”
“You are not Jacob, he should be the one apologizing for trying to hurt me but as luck will have it, I survived. I’m a little traumatized by that near-death experience but I have gotten over much worse.”
His heart tightened. He realized she was talking about what she had been through in just the space of four months. It seemed like her life was taking one hard blow after the other but she was a strong woman. Through it all, she braved one misfortune and faced the next bravely. If there was anyone who should be consumed by darkness it should be her yet she was a vision of perfect peace and beauty in her white shirt and trousers.
He realized that that was what he was missing in his life – peace.
They stared at each other and the sky drew darker still. Rachel watched him with her hand on her belly and his hands hung limply at the sides. There was so much to say yet neither of them knew where to start.
Then Rachel released a sigh. “You didn’t make me send Mabel off just so you could stand and stare at me. You came uninvited, if you have something to say, you say it now and leave.”
His feet moved and he climbed the porch. And before he knew it he was reaching for her and he grabbed her and held her against him breathing deeply. His arms shook and his heart expanded with feelings he didn’t recognize. His eyes stung behind his lids and he noted with regret that she too had lost much weight. He could feel the delicacy of her ribs, her arms, both of which never moved from her sides, were thinner.
“I’m sorry, Rachel,” his voice cracked. “I’m so sorry.”
She stepped away from his hug and didn’t look at him although her eyes were brighter than they had been before. “You said that at Philippe’s party.”
“No I was an arrogant ass then and I didn’t understand the debt of my betrayal, I couldn’t accept my fault the but now I do and I am sorry.”
“What changed? You were so sure I was going to come back into your arms after everything you did. What changed?”
“Me. I changed. I don’t want to be that Nathaniel Madden anymore. I was a prick and I accept that but I am different now. You make me want to be different, please, Rachel.”
She turned her back to him and for a second he feared she was going to go inside the house, lock the door and tell him from within to go back home and never come back again.
He didn’t realize he was holding his breath waiting to see what she wanted to do until she paused and looked out into the yard. He released his breath. But she still wasn’t looking at him and now with her back to him, he was in a worse place than before.
“Please say something,” he begged. Her silence was killing him. He didn’t know where he stood if she wasn’t saying anything. If she said she hated his guts he would understand that, at least he knew how she felt but with silence, he could only imagine the worse things. “Rachel, I beg you, say something. I came all this way to apologize because I couldn’t live with myself. If you don’t forgive me I might as well be a dead man.”
When she turned around she hit him once on the face, then again breathing hard. Her chest rose and fell heavily and her palm stung. But nothing compared to the painful tears running down her eyes. Nate took the hits, knowing he deserved them. The way he saw it he was lucky she didn’t gut him with a knife.
“I trusted you,” her words were a painful sob. She could barely get them past her tight throat. “You were my only saving grace. I thought I had hope when you found me and offered your help. I was stupid enough to think the contract was the only clause I had to fulfill. I didn’t know you had even worse motives than Jacob. How could you?” she sobbed.
With every teardrop, Nate felt as if something broke inside him.
“Do you have your peace now that you know you almost destroyed my life?” she asked.
“I could never live with myself if…”
She wasn’t listening to him. “Do you know how bad it was? It hurt so bad that for a few minutes while I hung over that cliff waiting for my death I wasn't frightened at the prospect of dying. I didn’t want to live anymore but I couldn’t find the courage to take my own life. Yet you waltz in here to tell me you’re sorry? Sorry doesn’t cut it, Nate. You have your life, go back to it and let me live mine, you did destroy it after all.”
“Let me mend it. I beg you, Rachel. Let me. I can’t live another day with you. Without…our child.”
Her eyes widened in surprise then she laughed bitterly. “You heard then.”
“I did.”
“Sorry to break it to you but this is my child and I don’t want you in my baby’s life.”
“Rachel please,” he grabbed her as she was about to leave, drawing her to hold her close again. With his face buried in her hair, he let out his pent-up rage in tears. She didn’t fight him but she wasn’t holding him back. He longed for her warmth. Right now she was just a hollow shell unwilling to accept him again. “Anything…tell me anything you want, whatever I need to do to get you back. I promise I’ll do it. I’ll do it a million times over if it would bring you back to me.”
She shook her head against his chest. Her tears soaked his shirt.
“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to, believe me. I was blinded by my hate for you, for Vera, for myself…for everything. I let it consume me and it almost destroyed you. I wish I can give you back everything you lost. I wish I can turn back the hands of the clock. I wish I could change the kind of person I am but I can’t…please let me make amends I beg you. I don’t want to live my life if you’re not in it, I don’t want to live if you will not forgive me or accept me.”
She was crying harder now. Her shoulders shook and for the first time the strong exterior came off and he saw how vulnerable she was. A victim of the power play between two men. But he didn’t want to be the reason for her misfortune anymore. He wanted to make amends but he could only do that if she let him.
She lifted her head and stared into his eyes with puffy teary eyes. “I hate you so much. For everything you did to me, I hate you. I thought about the days…how easy it was for me to fall for you not knowing what you planned behind your deceitful words. I thought…I thought I loved you! God, it was so easy to fall for you. You were charming, enigmatic…caustic sarcasm…I didn’t realize what a fool I was.” She detached herself from him and hugged herself.
Vera was right. She did love him. God, what an idiot he was.
“You are not a fool. I am the fool for not realizing what I had. I swear I was going to get rid of the files. That last night we spent together I realized one thing, my obsession with you wasn’t just because you were against me during the divorce. I was already fascinated by you…I loved to hear you speak…you…you reminded me of someone…someone I used to love in another place, another time. I should have let you go when I had the chance but I wanted you and when you fell the first time I swooped in because no matter what I told myself, I couldn’t stay away from you. And the contract? I convinced myself that was to punish you. I made myself believe it was who I was but the truth is…I don’t deserve you. You didn’t deserve anything of the things I put you through. And I know that now. I’ve been talking to…a therapist and I know my faults now, Rachel. Just give me another chance. I can’t live if you don’t.”