"Oh Lord!", Ayoade muttered, out of shock as he bowed his head in shame. He didn't raise his head as Raliat spoke. "What led you to this?"
He kept muttering to himself and Raliat kept quiet. Even though she loved him and was ready to accept him with his flaws, she couldn't help but voice it out. The thoughts of the abominable act between them kept crossing her mind, even when she wanted to pretend like it never happened. It angered her so much and she felt like punching him. But here she was looking at him silently as his mutterings turned to a soft sob.
She felt guilty all of a sudden and she sympathized with him, within her.
Ayoade's sob turned into cries of guilt. He cried like never before as he recalled how it all started, from his first love to Bimpe barging in on him. He thought of the role his parents played too by going against the marriage he proposed to them and he cried more.
He regretted his actions now more than ever. Knowing that Raliat was aware pained him more. He became ashamed of himself and he couldn't bring himself to look her in the face.
He realized the gravity and consequences of what he had done. He had done more harm and he was willing to make things right, no matter the sacrifice. The thoughts of suicide came and he wailed.
"Sins upon sins," He told himself.
He felt a hand raising his head and his red swollen eyes interlocked with that of Raliat's.
She was weeping too.
"I'm sorry" she whispered to him.
He gave her a sad smile as more tears rolled down his eyes. "I'm a monster."
"No", she said touching him again. His tears were like needles piercing through her heart.
"That's what I am and that's what you see me as", he uttered softly.
"No," she said again, then moved away. She cried for a few minutes before cleaning her tears. She looked him in the eye and said, "Tell me how it started."
The deed had been done, she thought. It was best if she got to know everything now before it was too late.
He stared at her and remained silent. He didn't know how and where to start from. He didn't know whether to trust her to keep his secret a secret. He didn't know if telling her was the right thing to do.
"I'm willing to help you in whatever way. Don't hide anything from me please", she said, when she noticed his hesitation.
Ayoade sighed and wiped his tears with the back of his palm. He stood up and paced around the room, hoping it would build up his confidence. She waited patiently and he eventually sat down and began.
"I started having sexual urges when I entered the University. The feelings were strange and I didn't know how best to go about it. Being in the university at the age of 22 exposed me to a lot of social activities."
"I was partially influenced by my peer group. My roommates were the type that often goes clubbing. They always come back with the tales of the ladies there and how much they enjoyed themselves. I was left out and my curiosity got the better of me. I was willing to follow them clubbing the next week."
He stood up again. "My drink was spiked and my virginity was taken away by a stranger. Even though I was willing to be a part of them and have the experiences, I was mad at them. I felt used by someone I don't even know of her existence. They made jest of me for behaving like a woman when I was given the privilege to finally become a man and behave like one. I couldn't take it so I moved out to somewhere else."
"That was the beginning of trouble for me. My new roommates were the worst. Their girlfriends come to the room anytime they feel like and they do all sorts of things with their boyfriends without giving a damn whether they have company or not. I was always in the room and I feel uncomfortable whenever they are around. There was a day Laide's girlfriend came into the room and began to undress right in front of me. Before I knew what was happening, they began to have sex. I couldn't take in the sight so I ran out without my trousers."
"Then my urges started. I didn't know the pleasure derived from sleeping with a woman and I wanted to know but something kept holding me back. That was my father's word and the fact that fornication was a grave sin. I had no girlfriend so I started watching porn and sex-rated movies which resulted in masturbation, just to satisfy myself."
"I became addicted to it so much that I can't go a day without masturbating. Then I came across Chidinma on the day of Bimpe's graduation from high school. It was love at first sight. Everything about her was so angelic. She confessed her feelings for me too and we started dating."
"I was religious conscious, and I knew how wrong dating was, coupled with my urge for sex which was increasing daily. I was becoming fed up with masturbation and I wanted something new, something better. I was scared of taking advantage of Chidinma so I told her I want us to get married. She was overwhelmed and she jumped on me. Then, she stole my first kiss. I was tempted to kiss her back but I controlled myself."
"I informed my parents of my intention to get married to my beloved when I was in 300 level but they kicked against it. Father said I was too young and marriage shouldn't be my priority at that moment. At that instant, I felt the need to fornicate and I was willing to impregnate Chidinma just so they would let us get married."
"Before I could think of executing my plan, Chidinma and her father disappeared into thin air. Till present, I have no idea where she is. I knew my father was responsible but I couldn't accuse him. I couldn't face him. He must have given her father some money to start a new life somewhere far from us, where our paths would never meet again."
"I was devastated and broken and I almost committed suicide. I continued masturbating just so I could forget my pains. Then Bimpe barged into my room one morning, while I was in the act. One thing led to the other and I had sex with my sister."
Ayoade stopped and looked at Raliat who was listening with rapt attention and he burst into tears. Raliat was silently watching as he cried and later on, composed himself to carry on with his story.
"We never knew we were doing the wrong thing. I guess I was the only one who was not aware. I never knew it was taboo. Bimpe kept singing it to my ears after she became pregnant. The first pregnancy opened her eyes to the reality of what we were doing. I was falling helplessly in love with my blood. I do not think of any woman aside from her. I ruined my sister's life with my selfishness" He completed.
"How many times did she conceive?" Raliat asked, all of a sudden.
"Three", he answered, unable to look her in the face.
"She got rid of the pregnancy those three times?"
"Yes."
"So, what is the way forward now? What do you think is the perfect solution?" Raliat questioned again?
Ayoade was surprised at the question. He didn't expect her calm reaction. "I made a decision last night to go to another country to start a new life over there, probably Ghana. I have a friend there."
"You think that is the solution? You don't want to ever come back home? Haven't you thought of that? If you go for years and come back, setting your eyes on her will bring back the memories and urges. You won't be able to help it and this will continue to go on till eternity."
Ayoade was with a confused look. "What then is the solution?"
Raliat sighed and looked down. She looked back up at him and she said, "You should get married."
"But...."
She interrupted him. "I'm willing to marry you."