Romance Fantasy Rule 3: Want to spark some love between two people? First, make them hate each other. Hatred is lightning, and affection is thunder. When one is blinded by the lightning, they hear the ringing of the thunder.
“Yes, I feel great. I had such a good night’s sleep. How about you? Did you rest well?”
“I feel refreshed, too. Maybe it’s because of the good dream I had. I feel like having two pieces of toast this morning now.”
“Oh. I really want to hear what kind of dream you had. How do you feel about dining together?”
“Oh my. That sounds wonderful!”
On the way to Sormwin Academy, the students greeted each other with elegant smiles and words. “Oh, my,” and “Hoho,” were heard from here and there on the magnolia-lined road.
Even a choir of baby birds or a garden of tulips in full bloom couldn’t be more peaceful than this scene. This precious moment, sparkling like a diamond, would cleanse anyone’s soul.
“Ah, Lady Goldencup. Are you having a fine morning?”
And diamond was nothing more than a slightly shiny coal. It burned really well when it was lit.
“No! I’m not at all fine!”
The Inquisitor smiled brightly at the young lady who had greeted him. “There’s no way I’m fine! I almost got killed by those assassin bastards last night, so I couldn’t sleep all night. That’s already frustrating as hell. How can you ask me if I’m fine? Is there anything in that head of yours?”
“No, of course there isn’t. If there was, you wouldn’t greet someone who almost died last night with ‘Are you having a fine morning?’ Hahaha! It’s not me you need to be asking, it’s your head! Is your head fine? Is your skull all good? How about your brain?”
“Ahhh! Oh, cat got your tongue? It’s probably because your brain has gone too bad, so the cat made do with your tongue. It’s okay. I understand! For a mind to be well and clear, it needs a healthy body. How could your mind be alright when your head is damaged? You should go to the infirmary right away. In other words, please get lost!”
“...Uh, ah...?” The young lady staggered and eventually fainted.
Thank goodness the young lady’s servant had caught her. Otherwise, she would have gone rolling down the road. The students exchanging morning greetings like usual shrieked.
“Lady White Orchid Flower! Are you okay?”
“Oh my! She’s so pale...”
“Someone, please call an academy doctor right away!”
“Breathe! Can you hear me?! You have to breathe!”
“Lady Goldencup! W-what did you just say...!?”
The peacefully singing baby birds all flew away, and a bomb exploded in the serene tulip garden. The diamond was burning brightly. The noble ladies couldn’t hide their shock while skillfully taking care of their unconscious classmate.
The Inquisitor smiled brightly. “What’s all the fuss about? She didn’t know how to read the room and asked me if I was fine, so I just asked her if her head was okay!”
“W-what?” The young lady nearby opened and closed her mouth. “You asked if... her head is okay...?”
“Ah. Your hair is red. It’s beautiful. Is it possible that it’s stained from your skull cracking and a little bit of your brain leaking out? Hahaha. Your empty little head is in danger of getting even emptier. Please put it back!” The Inquisitor shot her an angelic smile.
“Ahhhh! Lady Plum Blossom!”
“Is the doctor not here yet!?”
“What are those doctors getting paid for?”
“Someone get us some water!”
Chaos arrived. It was a downright apocalyptic sight. The world hadn’t met its doom yet, but the way to Sormwin Academy was utterly devastated.
The Inquisitor, who had single-handedly reduced a twenty-meter radius area to ashes with his tongue, smiled without a trace of malice—although he had dark bags under his eyes due to the all night lesson yesterday.
“Hahaha, Mr. Death King, this is great! My immersion level didn’t increase at all.”
He was doing a great job. The Fire Emperor’s one-on-one lesson was amazingly effective.
“I’ll trust you completely forever! Your plans are very reliable!”
I bowed in a butler-like manner. “Thank you for the compliment, my lady.”
“No problem! But is stepping on my foot right now also a way to stop my immersion level from increasing? My big toe hurts a little.”
“I have to do this to act like a bad butler. Endure it.”
“Understood!” The Inquisitor nodded fervently.
On that morning, a total of fourteen young noble ladies were admitted to the academy’s infirmary. Word of what had occurred in front of the girls’ dormitory spread throughout the academy like wildfire. It became known as the “How is your brain?” incident.
The cafeteria, the main building, the garden... The students were gossiping about this incident everywhere in the academy.
“Lady Goldencup has gone crazy.”
“She’s become a completely different person since the attack yesterday..”
“She is possessed by a demon.”
“Two young ladies and one young lord grew suspicious of the rumors and bravely left to reveal the truth, but they’re yet to return.”
“Isn’t she more attractive now?”
“So who ordered the assassination of Lady Goldencup?”
“The unofficial club of Sormwin Academy, ‘All Older Sisters’ Younger Siblings Club (AOSYSC),’ welcomes the recent changes of Lady Goldencup. We encourage all Sormwin students to change their perception.”
“Many witnesses saw Lady Goldencup’s butler mixing salt into her black tea.”
“His Highness is handling it.”
“A moderate intake of salt is good for your health... Is the salt in her black tea for her health?”
“Big Sister Goldencup.”
The rumors snowballed into an urban myth.
“Lady Goldencup. You insulted my master!”
But even if the rumors were becoming myth, it was still true that fourteen young noble ladies had fainted. Naturally, their servants couldn’t help but be angry.
Although they couldn’t dare attack a noble lady, it was easy to challenge me, who was a servant just like them, to a duel. When it came lunchtime, the angry servants lined up to fight me.
“For the sake of my master and her family’s honor, I can’t just sit back and watch. Please allow me to duel with your servant, my lady!”
The Inquisitor nodded. “Understood! Please resolve this amicab—”
“Wait a minute.” I secretly stepped on the Inquisitor’s foot.
“Ouch!” he whispered. “What’s wrong?”
“If you decide to act like a delinquent noble lady, you need to commit to the act,” I hissed. “Don’t say yes to things right away. That isn’t delinquent.”
“Oh, I see. Then how do I become more delinquent?”
The servants who had requested a duel watched us whisper back and forth with bewildered expressions.
After a while, the Inquisitor had a look of enlightenment. “Good! You may duel my servant, as you wish.”
“Oh, thank you for your permission. Then we’ll get to it right—”
“But! You have to pay me if you want to duel with him!”
The servants blinked. “... Pardon?”
“I’m saying that if you want to get something from me, you have to pay for it.” The Inquisitor sat on the garden bench and then crossed his legs. His smile was dominating.
If children saw the Inquisitor right now, they would call him “Big Sister!”
“My butler belongs to my family. I’m the only one from my family in this academy, so he’s mine. What are you going to do if my asset gets damaged during the duel? Will you take responsibility?”
The servants were perplexed. A duel was supposed to be sacred, but Lady Goldencup was demanding money like a thug.
“Uh, how much should we pay you?”
“I can make do with five gold coins!”
Like I had taught him, the Inquisitor made sure to drive the knife home.
“Oh-ho. Don’t tell me your loyalty to your masters is worth less than five gold coins, people.”
It was a bit pitiful to see the servants taking out gold coins one by one. Some of the servants had pretty long faces. Many of them looked worried and questioned if it was really honorable to pay for a duel for their young ladies. However, when one or two people began to put in gold coins, the other servants joined in. There was no backing out now.
“Here you go, my lady.”
“Yes. Well received!”
“Um, I’m sorry. I only have silver coins right now. Would you accept change as well...?”
The Inquisitor thoroughly fleeced them of their money. The coins jingled their way into his pocket, washing away the elegance of the young lady who had received her title from the emperor.
The servant resembled their master. I stretched my neck like a gangster.
More than ten servants were awkwardly looking at me.
“I’m asking just in case.”
I raised my holy sword in its sheath. “Any of you starved for over a week?”
Rhythmical thumps drifted out of the garden. I knocked down the servants one by one like a drummer, getting them covered in dirt.
The servants screamed with numerous students watching the fight. I looked around and saw that the students were appalled. Behind me, the Inquisitor was playing with one of the coins, humming.
The screams, the gasps of shock, and the jingling sound of coins. This trinity of melodies formed a perfect harmony.
At that moment, someone rushed through the crowd of students.
“Sy-Sylvia! What in the world is going on right now!”
It was the crown prince, the ramen of this apocalyptic book. The blond ramen was totally bewildered. Seeing the overcooked ramen look on his face was such a joy. The Inquisitor and I had gotten our payback for his surprise last night.
“I did hear that you had suddenly become strange, but I thought that was just another malicious rumor. What in the world are you doing with your fellow students...?” the crown prince muttered, confused. Then he glared at me. “You!”
His eyes were quite fierce for a bowl of ramen soup mixed with rice.
“What are you standing around here for!” he yelled. “When your master made a misjudgment because of her fatigue, you, her servant, should have done everything in your power to make her see reason! Instead, you rashly wield your sword! You are not only a third-rate butler, but you also have no right to call yourself a proper servant. You hear me? You have no right!”
“I apologize, Your Highness.” I hung the holy sword back on my belt and then bowed. “I don’t listen to anyone’s opinion other than Lady Goldencup’s. If she believes I’m a third-rate butler, then I am. I’ll stand down if she thinks I have no right to call myself her servant. If not, I’ll remain her faithful butler.”
“After this... farce... You shameless...” The crown prince’s lip moved a bit before he closed his mouth and shook his head. Perhaps he thought that quarreling with a servant like me was meaningless. “Sylvia, I’ve told you many times: you shouldn’t have a man like him as your butler. There are many butler candidates in the palace that have been trained with great care. If I ask His Majesty, I can bring one of the most capable among them. It’ll be okay! Don’t worry. He adores you.”
The students watching everything were amazed. Some young ladies’ eyes were tinted with a rosy hue after the crown prince’s open expression of affection. They sighed and whispered.
“How tragic. The crown prince’s fiance is Lady Silver Lily...”
“But their engagement was made before their birth. It’s from ages ago. And the rumor that His Majesty cherishes Lady Goldencup has been going around for a long time, so maybe...”
“Ah, what a predicament!”
Despite their sighs, the young ladies’ eyes sparkled. There was no romance scandal as fiery as that of a member of the imperial family. People would be heartbroken if their diamond was burned away, but they would pay a fortune to see someone else’s diamond burning brightly, especially if it was the most splendid one in the empire.
“What do you think, Sylvia?” The crown prince approached and grabbed the Inquisitor’s wrist. “Will you grant my earnest request?”
The Inquisitor looked at the crown prince. I was nervous—which one was stronger? The love of Lady Goldencup, the female lead, or the ego of the Inquisitor, who was playing the delinquent noble lady? I did my best to help the latter get the upper hand, but ultimately the Inquisitor was the one fighting the battle. He and I could lose the match.
“...Your Highness,” the Inquisitor slowly said, “what perfume did you wear today?”
“I apologize for my rudeness, but it smells a little unfamiliar to me.”
A bright smile spread across the Inquisitor’s face. He naturally broke free from the crown prince’s grip and snapped his fan open, only his grinning eyes visible above the fan. “Have you found out who was behind the assassins who attacked me yesterday?”
“N-no... The investigation is still ongoing.”
“Had my butler not been by my side last night, I would have probably been harmed! So if you care about me, I ask that you respect my butler. Besides, I believe the butler not only saved my life but also the honor of the academy. Your Highness, there is no one I trust more than my butler!”
The blonde ramen started boiling.
And the Inquisitor laughed behind his fan. “Hohohoho!”
It was the most romantic laugh in the world.