She didn’t return home that night. After walking the rest of the way in relative silence, they parted way on Matt and Margot’s porch. Both agreed that maybe they were better off healing apart from one another, but James promised to visit every day and to take her on walks.
That night Soren ate dinner with Matt and Margot, feeling more awake and alive after having seen James. It was amazing what spending just an hour of time together did for her psyche. He was better for her than any single night’s sleep could be.
“So, how was it?” Margot asked after dinner.
Both the women sat in the living room, hot cups of tea in their hands. The fireplace crackled in the background and Soren felt more at peace then she had since having arrived at Margot’s.
“It was good, I didn’t realize how much I missed him until he was there in front of me and I didn’t have to anymore.”
“I remember the first time I had to be away from Matt for more then a day. I drove everyone crazy with my worrying, Variety and Pops had to virtually barricade me in the house, so I didn’t go after him. Him coming home felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me – since meeting him, of course.”
Soren was glad she wasn’t the only one who had felt like she had earlier that day. Margot was always able to sympathize and relate to Soren’s emotions and help her talk through her problems, as a wiser, more experienced wolf.
“Is it bad that I don’t think we should be together right now?”
She felt like she was betraying the bond that her and James had formed. They had promised their lives to one another and yet, at the first sign of trouble they split ways, she felt guilty for breaking her vow, but she knew it was for the best.
“No, of course not. Mates are meant for each other, they are two halves of a whole and as such they fit together perfectly, but most people misunderstand the nature of the mate bond and the relationship that should form as a result. Lots of wolves find their mates and automatically think they need to spend all their time with them, that’s not true. You and James are supposed to be together, but you’re perfect for each other because of the people you are as individuals, not the people you become as a couple. Does that make sense?”
“I think so.” Slowly Margot’s words were sinking in.
“You need to be happy with yourself alone, before you can be happy as yourself and your mate. Your mate is there to love you and cherish you and make you the best version of yourself, not to dictate your life and change who you are.”
Arms wrapped themselves around Margot’s shoulders, a squeak of surprise erupting from the gorgeous brunette,
“My mate is so smart, don’t you think, Ren?”
Matt looked in awe of the woman he held in his arms, not waiting for a response, he swooped Margot up in his arms, swinging her over his shoulder.
“Matt, you barbarian, put me down! It’s girl time!” Margot’s fists beat at his back in frustration.
“Girls Night? You mean you talking non-stop and Soren pretending to listen? No, not okay, I have a better night planned, just you wait.”
He sent a wink Soren’s way, walking towards the bedroom and slamming the door, a last squeal from Margot the last thing she heard before the couple was sealed away.
Soren’s heart sent out a pang at the sight of the couple who worked so well together. It wasn’t hard to see why the fates had paired them together, they were two pees in a pod. Soren wondered why her, and James couldn’t be like that, why they weren’t normal. Still, there had to be a reason they were mated, why the two damaged souls were put together, maybe Margot was right, and they couldn’t rely on one another to heal each other, but maybe they could heal in tandem. She knew James would be supportive of her healing process, because he had gone through and was going through similar things.
Sitting on the porch deck and watching as the stars began to make their appearance, her eyes began to droop of their own accord. It had been a long and exhausting day, both mentally and physically, her walk with James had taken more out of her than she had wanted to admit to either him, or Margot. She laid back against the wood of the porch, the night was quiet despite Matt and Margot living pretty close to the pack’s centre.
Letting her eyes close, she tried to focus in on herself. Taking Margot’s advice, she tried to figure out who she was. It was a deep, dark rabbit hole of a question, she was like Alice in Wonderland, falling, falling, falling. Who was she? Who was Soren? She could hardly remember what it was like not to fight for survival, let alone ponder trivial things like favourite colours.
Hear head started to pound, thoughts turning in endless circles, trying to answer questions that had no answers. She stood and retreated to the guest room Margot had set up for her. Laying back on the sheets that didn’t smell like James, staring out the window that had no view of the moon, sleep came slowly.
It felt like something was sitting on her chest. Waking up unable to breathe, had to be one of the most terrifying moments of her life. Gasping for air, it just wouldn’t come. She tried to stand and make her way towards the window, but her feet were tangled in the sweat soaked sheets and she fell, hitting the hard wood with an audible thud.
It took under a minute for Margot to come flying through the door in only a thin silk robe. Running over to Soren she unhooked her legs and helped her over to the window, propping it open all the while calling for Matt.
When Soren’s breathing had calmed slightly, she gasped out a shallow,
“James.”
Margot understood and Matt went to call him, it wasn’t that Soren simply wanted him there, it was that she needed him.
Before Matt could even leave the room to make the call, a loud pounding started on the front door. Matt sprinted downstairs and in the blink of an eye, James was by her side. He ran his hand along her back, whispering encouraging words into her ears. Matt and Margot left, leaving James to calm his hysterical mate.
With him by her side, her breaths came easier, and soon she was breathing hard and leaning back against the window sill, wiping sweat from her brow.
“Better?”
She nodded, training her eyes on the concerned face of her mate. His hair was sticking all over the place and his shirt was on inside out,
“How did you know?” She asked in a hoarse whisper.
“I woke up, and I could barely breathe, I’ve never had a panic attack before, but you did that one night, and so I put two and two together. I was here before I even knew what I was doing.”
Soren thought back to the night she had slept outside with James beside her,
“Is that what a panic attack is? That’s what’s happening to me?”
He shrugged in response,
“I’m not a doctor, so it’s only a guess. We’ll get you sorted, don’t worry, for now though let’s try to put it behind us, do you want to go on another walk? Some fresh air might do you good.”
“Yes, please.”
She threw on a hoodie and stepped away from James when a low growl came from within.
“Take that off, right now, please.” His tone was angry but pleading towards the end.
She looked down at herself and a lightbulb went off when she realized who it belonged too. Shrugging it off she went to ask Margot for one of hers.
“Here, take mine.” He held out the zip-up he had been wearing, taking Matt’s and shrugging it over his head.
They went downstairs but before she could wrench the door open, James let out a cough.
“Don’t you think you’re forgetting something?” He pointed towards the metal chair that was leaning up against the wooden coffee table.
“I don’t need that anymore.” She sent a glare towards him, but it was half-hearted, and they both knew she didn’t mean it. She was too tired to argue and so she placed herself in the chair. James draped a blanket across her lap for extra warmth, kissing her lightly on the cheek before pushing her towards the door.
He went towards the route they had taken only a couple hours earlier. Stopping at the log where they had had their last heartfelt conversation, he parked her next to it, and sat down beside her.
“I’ve been so scared.” She finally admitted.
He waited for her to continue, that was one of the things she loved most about James, whether it was in wolf form or as the human she had come to know and start to love, he was an amazing listener.
“She haunts me, James. I see her every night, I have to watch her die, over and over, and every time I know it was my fault. I did it to her, she’s gone because of me.”
His hand took hers, pulling it away from where it was yanking on strands of her hair.
“Did I tell you,” James coughed awkwardly, “about how I see a therapist?”
She shook her head, he was embarrassed, but once again, he was opening up and sharing himself with her.
“Well, I do. It’s another thing not many people know about me. I was super against it at first, I thought going to see a doctor was like admitting defeat. I used to think that a doctor for your body made sense, you get hurt – you need help, but a doctor for my head? That was something different all together.
Safe to say, it took a lot of time for Matt to convince me to go talk about my problems with a complete stranger. Long story short, it was the best decision I ever made. Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of, so I hope you don’t mind when I say that maybe it would be helpful for you too.”
Soren’s heart thrummed with anxiety at the thought of talking her problems out with a professional.
“I’m your mate, Ren. I love you, but as much as it kills me to admit, this isn’t something I’m equipped to help you with.”
“I know, James. I’ll think about it okay?”
He hugged her into his side, tucking her under his arm where she fit so perfectly,
“That’s all I can ask.”