I didn't know when I fell asleep, I just knew that the only warmth my body received was on my hand and it was what pulled me awake.
In the darkness I could make out a figure hunched over me. I was startled awake, needing a few seconds to place where I was and with whom.
"Brian?" I whispered, clutching his hand which was in mine, half sure I was dreaming. His other hand was on my forehead, smoothing my frown.
"Do you cry yourself to sleep every night?" He murmured. "And fall asleep with a frown on your face?"
It was embarrassing to admit it but I wanted him to know what he was responsible for. "Thanks to you."
"Move on, Brooke. Just move on from me."
I sat up at his words and he wiped away my tears. I couldn't make out the expression on his face so I switched on the bedside lamp.
He didn't look like the cold person he was before. His eyes were sad as they gazed at me. "It has been months since I left. Don't make yourself miserable over me anymore."
"Thank you so much. I'm no longer sad." I deadpanned.
He looked away. "You know what I mean."
"We were together for seven years, Brian. I can't move on from all those happy memories in a matter of months and that too when you gave me no closure," I said, then added quietly, "I miss you."
"It's the right thing to do because we're not right for each other," he replied.
"In what sense?"
"It doesn't matter. We aren't."
"Who are you to decide that? I love you and if you love me then nothing else matters. We didn't have any major fights in all these seven years so I don't know what you're talking about. I can't find any other reason for you doing this...which can only mean that you don't love me anymore."
He didn't say anything and I took his silence for yes. My heart dropped to my stomach.
"You really have fallen out of love with me," I said in realization. "You..." I couldn't continue as my eyes brimmed with tears and began falling continuously as I blinked.
"Brooke, it's not like that," he said, grabbing my face in his hands. "It's far from it. I love you, more than I ever did."
"Then what's the problem, Brian. Talk to me," I said, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him on the bed. "I can't go on like this. I'd keep thinking what I did wrong for the rest of my life. I'll be stuck to you and I don't want to live like that. Whatever it is, just say it. Give me the freedom to move on if you don't want to be with me."
He cupped my face and wiped away a tear streaming down with the pad of his thumb. "I'm sorry I did this to you. It's just..." he paused, as if searching for the right words. "My company...it's struggling."
"What?" I asked, confused as to what it had to do with our relationship.
"You know I started it from scratch and I made a lot of mistakes and now business is stagnant. There are more losses than profit. There are good days but twice as much bad days and–and I look at you, doing everything right and taking your company to new heights every single day and I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy you're finding success in what you love doing and then I look at myself and I wonder why you'd ever want to be with me. It doesn't make sense."
"What?" I said again and as his words sunk, it was like a light bulb moment.
"Have you ever read news about us?" He continued. "Have you ever read the comments when we post a picture of us together? People don't like us together. You're so successful and...I'm not. I'm an embarrassment and I don't deserve you. That's what people think and where is the lie there? We can't be together. You have so many business friends, men who are better than I am and they're interested in you and who can give you the world and...I can't give you anything other than my love. That...that must not be enough. You need to be with someone who's better than I am, someone you'll not be ashamed to say is your boyfriend. I'm the wrong person for that...that's why I want you to move on, find a better man and live happily with him."
"Brian, we've been together for so long and I'm disappointed because you don't know me at all. I don't give a fuck what people think about us and I know it's hard for you but we'll help each other through this. I'm so fucking proud of you. You work hard every day and running a company isn't easy and I'll be there to support you through every step. I don't need a man to give me the world, I'll get what I want myself. You say you can only give me your love and that's the only thing I've ever wanted from you. Four years ago you gave me a promise ring and said you'd never break up with me again, but you broke that promise. I don't need anything from you. Just you. So please, don't let the world come in between us...and don't decide what I deserve and what I don't. If some day I think you're not good enough for me, I'll let you know but until then, let's be together."
"Will it really be okay if I want you?" He said, tears in his own eyes.
"If you want me, then don't give a fuck about if it will be okay with anyone but us."
I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. It had been months and I was starving for his kisses. I pushed him down on the bed and sagged in relief when I felt him give in and embrace me back.
He had returned to me and I was going to make sure he wouldn't feel inadequate again. Because this life was full of hurdles and self doubt and our love would have to weather many more storms but we had to remember to hold each other's hands and face it together.