I got guilty after my sexual indulgence with Kim that I hurried out of bed after he alighted out of me. Then, hurrying to the bathroom, I took a hot shower and lathered my skin lavishly, satisfying my wish to remove Kim's traces on my body. Only after he knocked on the door did I stop and changed into the same dress I wore.
"I'll go now," I told Kim after I blew my hair dry.
He was still lying on the bed with his back on the headboard, the lower part of his body covered with sheets. He was looking at me, although fighting over his sleepiness. Then I picked up my bag and my jacket without waiting for his answer.
"Stay. It's not safe to go out anymore,” he said, jumping out of bed and pulling me into him, but I broke free from his embrace.
"No. Zed might have woken up and found out that I am not -” I stopped when I saw Kim wincing, giving me a sharp gaze.
"Please stop mentioning his name whenever you are with me. I might lose my patience sooner than I intend." Kim's tone was a little higher, and I got scared.
This was just the beginning of my dilemma of being torn between two men. I couldn’t imagine the trouble I would have to face once Zed knows the truth.
“I’m sorry.”
I didn’t wait for his answer anymore. I bolted out of the door and hurried to the elevator. To my surprise, I saw Zed standing by the lobby when I stepped out of the elevator. My knees shook right away. I felt that he didn’t go somewhere else to find me; he had it in his mind that I would come here because of Kim.
“What are you doing here?” I tried to make my voice firm to conceal the guilt and fear that was then wrapping me.
“I know you’d be here. I'm worried because it's past two already."
I glanced at my watch subconsciously and said, “I left something at the office, so I came here to pick it up.”
Something in his expression told me he didn’t believe me. Or probably, it was just my guilt that suggested it. Making the matter worse, Zed looked past me, and when I turned to follow his eyes, Kim emerged from the lift with disheveled hair and a creased shirt.
I froze and didn’t know what to say. My heartbeats then pounded loudly that my airways constricted. But to my surprise, Zed smiled and greeted Kim.
“Mr.Mori, good morning!”
I held my breath, expecting Zed to add, “It’s such a coincidence that both of you are here,” but he didn’t. Instead, he added, “Great businessmen often sleep late indeed.”
“Good morning, Mr. Ramos,” Kim replied, moving his eyes between Zed and me. “Are you going somewhere else?”
“No, we’ll go home directly,” Zed replied, glancing at me. A loud heartbeat struck right away, making me feel choked. I was never good at hiding expressions, and I didn’t know how well I hid my guilt at that moment. Wouldn’t he wonder why Kim was also there?
“So, Mr. Mori, we’ll go ahead,” Zed continued, and Kim nodded. I heaved a sigh of relief, but I wondered how long Kim could restrain himself.
He then placed an arm on my shoulders and guided me towards the parking lot in front of the building. I never dared to look back because that would make Zed suspect I didn’t even know to keep my agitation in check.
Our trip home was silent. I also didn’t want to talk to Zed since I might slip my tongue, so I pretended to sleep. I only opened my eyes when I sensed that Zed was already pulling over the garage.
“Can you still walk?” Zed asked, perhaps because he thought I had just woken up.
“Of course.”
“I can carry you over to the bed,” Zed smiled, and I wondered if he was stretching his patience or he was playing dumb.
“Silly,” I said, rolling my eyes.
He laughed softly, then reached out for my hand. He looked into my eyes and said, “Are you upset? Tell me honestly.”
“Upset for what?” I furrowed my brows.
“That you...that you were not satisfied,” he said, then closed his eyes afterward. I knew it was too hard for him to admit because it touched his ego.
“I’m glad that you finally open up,” I said, pausing for about a few seconds. “As the best motivational speaker of the country, I wonder why you haven’t done something about it.”
Zed let out a loud sigh before replying to what I said. “This is something too hard for me to admit, even to myself. And I thought you don’t mind because we are both brought up in conservative homes.”
“What I hate about you is that you never listen and that you also ignore how I want you to do it.”
“Because my sense of pleasure goes away fast.”
“I know, but you are too selfish to give it to me.”
I almost asked Zed why he was unwilling to do it for my sake. And why he was too lazy to do it for me. He could never blame me for fantasizing about Kim because Kim was selfless when making love. He’s like a horseman who holds the reign until his partner can climb down.
And before Kim came into my life, he already made me feel undesired. He made me feel envious of other couples who couldn’t go without taking anti-contraceptives. It only showed me that all those couples have satisfying sex life aside from me.
“I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you after you give birth to our baby.”
I felt amused and moved by this. Zed always thought of our baby while I just had the craziest fight with Kim in bed! Breaking into a soft smile, I reached out to Zed and flung my arms around his neck. I didn’t say anything but poured out in that hug my appreciation and my apology to him.