I found myself telling the doctor my entire experience in Japan. I even told her my dilemma about having two husbands: my reluctance to let go of Zed and my emotional attachment to Kim.
"Based on your previous records and your confession now, I conclude that you're into dissociative amnesia. It is a condition in which a person cannot remember important information about their life."
"Dissociative amnesia has been linked to overwhelming stress, which may be caused by traumatic events such as war, abuse, accidents, or disasters. The person may have suffered the trauma or just witnessed it."
"It could be localized amnesia where you only forget specific areas of knowledge or part of your experiences. Or generalized where the memory affects the major part of your life or identity."
"In your case, there must be an incident that happened after you fled from the site. And since Mr. Mori hasn't found proof of any traumatic experience you might have gotten into, only you and your memory can provide answers to our questions."
Even my fingers were already shaking as I thought of possible incidents that happened to me. The fact that my brain refused to store the memory, the experiences could be very traumatic. At that moment, I decided not to relive it anymore since I might not be able to take it.
"Doc, how long would I stay like this?"
"We can't tell; some people recover after a few days, but some take longer, like months or years. And memories may come back slowly or suddenly. It may come on its own or triggered by similar traumatic incidences."
I nodded as I took in the information. Perhaps I belonged to the category of slow reconnection. I remembered my recurring dreams and how they confirmed my connection to Kim.
"Is there any medication to help me recover from this condition?"
The doctor smiled and reached out for my hand.
"We can give medications to those who are undergoing severe depression and anxiety. But as long as you are willing to spend sessions with me, this can be a good form of treatment. It's called psychotherapy."
I went out later with a light heart. After pouring out to her my fears and my confusions, I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my heart. We agreed on my next session, and she explained to me the purpose of our next meeting.
"It would have been better if you could have family support," the doctor's voice floated into my ear as I sat behind the steering wheel later.
Zed and my family came right away into my mind. But how could I tell my parents about what happened to me? I couldn't imagine the shame they would have to face for having a daughter who got married to two men. Even if I had an excuse, the severity of the situation wouldn't let them escape from the scorn of our relatives or old acquaintances. They brought me up in a conservative environment, so that I couldn't imagine their disappointment.
And If I couldn't ask for Zed's support, it would also be inappropriate to have Kim by my side in this healing process. So, maybe, Ara could be the best person to give me moral support.
Just as I stepped out of the clinic, my phone vibrated.
"Where are you?" Kim's stern voice floated into my ear.
"I'm coming."
"What is that feminine thing that took you so long? It's already an hour and forty-five minutes since you left."
My goodness! Zed was never like that. He wouldn't demand any attention, never questioned if I couldn't go home early, and never required me to tell him all my activities.
"It's something personal," I said defiantly, refusing to let him impose any rules for me.
"I should know because I'm-" he didn't continue. He perhaps knew that he couldn't push it on me.
Silence followed, and I felt him struggling to have his way. Then, to break the growing tension between us, I thought of a way to divert it.
"I'm on my way," I said in a dismissive voice before
"Okay."
Feeling hungry and mentally drained after the session, I decided to stop by a coffee shop for a refreshment. I was never the passive type when related to work, but I suddenly didn't want to go to work after knowing my condition. I just wanted to do nothing aside from getting lost in my thoughts all day.
I chose to drop by a coffee shop near a beach. It was less crowded since only those who had private cars could easily access the area. I ordered a glass of non-coffee beverage, then walked to a corner table adjacent to a floor-to-ceiling window.
Just as I sat down, my eyes fell on two familiar figures sitting across from each other, not far from me. Even if I had errors of refraction, I could still figure out that they were Zed and Mr. Virgil.
My heartbeats suddenly spiked. Of all the coffee houses in the city, why did we all come up in the same place?
I kept stealing glances at them. Although I could see them clearly from where I sat down, I was glad a concrete pillar kept them from noticing me. They looked so engrossed that I was already suspecting they were talking about Kim and me.
Seeing another table closer to the pillar, I stood up and walked discreetly towards it, careful that they wouldn't notice me. My mind started to recite silent prayers that Mr. Virgil wouldn't disclose my relationship to Kim. It's not that I wasn't planning to evade the worst situation forever, only that I wasn't ready yet.
I inclined an ear as I tried to pick up their conversation. And my heartbeats soared when I heard Zed spoke,
"Virgil, tell me honestly. During our last meeting, there was something you wanted to imply. What was it?"
My airways suddenly constricted, making me feel choked while waiting for Mr. Virgil's reply.