There once was a very popular question on the internet:
If one morning, you woke up and realized that your gender had changed, what would be your first reaction?
And someone on the internet had famously responded:
First, give your bros[1] a good time!
…………………………
Su Jian remembered that when he saw this reply, he had slapped the table to express his admiration. What a good bro! Such loyalty!
But now that he actually encountered this strange situation himself, he could only feel an extremely ball-breaking alarm, shocked grief, and frightened anger. F*ck your mom! Ah, fúck! Fúck it!
Oh, a correction. The above is grammatically incorrect. After all, poor Classmate Su Jian doesn’t have balls anymore.
……………………..
Su Jian remembered that he was in a car accident.
It was a particularly tragic one, so he had been sure that there was no way he would survive.
He didn’t know how much time had passed since the accident, but after expending a great deal of effort to open his eyes, he saw that everything was pure white.
At first, Su Jian believed he had gone to Heaven and silently ridiculed in his mind, This Heaven is such a ghastly white. Why does it look like a hospital?
However, upon closer inspection, for a moment, his mind went blank. F*ck! This really is a hospital!
Immediately, Su Jian was overjoyed that he had been lucky enough to escape from the gates of hell!
However, he soon thought of another matter. Although he hadn’t died, if he had been crippled, he might as well be dead with how life was trolling him!
He quickly pushed aside the blanket and inspected his body. Thankfully, his arms and legs were still there. Sure, one of his legs was wrapped in bandages, but it still appeared to be in one piece. It hurt when he tried to move it, but at least he could still feel it. He really was lucky that he hadn’t been crippled. At most, it seemed like he had broken his leg or something, so it was not a big problem. However, it was more concerning to him that his legs looked a lot thinner. Worriedly, Su Jian thought: Could it be that I was bedridden for so long that my muscles atrophied? Probably so. Look, even my formerly thick, lush leg hair has disappeared….
Su Jian let out his breath in relief and laid back down on his hospital bed, stretching out his arms and legs like a 大. It was as if a ray of sunshine had illuminated his heart. This disaster didn’t end in death or disability! I (Su mou[2]) think my future will definitely be blessed! Wahahaha!
Su Jian grinned and giggled, then frowned suddenly. Feeling something itchy on his face, he reached out to touch it and discovered it was a long strand of hair. Not really caring, he pinched it to throw it away, but, unexpectedly, he wasn’t able to pick it up. Instead, a single yank sent a slight pain through his scalp.
Su Jian was at a loss for words as he blankly reached up and felt around with his hand. When his hand really did come back full of long, shiny black hair, he was shocked. This was his hair? But, when did it grow so long? It couldn’t be that he had been in a coma for two or three years, right?
He wrinkled his brows, looking down, and suddenly shivered. What were those? How come there were two protruding arcs on his chest? Wait. Wait. Ah! Wait! F*ck your mom! Could somebody come explain to him why he had breasts?!
With a trembling heart, Su Jian pressed on his own chest with clawed hands.
A big, soft, and fluffy mass….
Su Jian immediately panicked. Fúck! No way? Is this a side effect of being in a coma or was it the medication? Bro, in a blink of an eye, how did my chest grow this big? This is a blessing for flat-chested girls, but I’m a big manly man. Isn’t this a bit too horrifying?
Su Jian quickly undid his hospital gown only to see the two perfectly round and full, white and soft, visually estimated to be 34C things on both the left and right of his chest. If this was in the past, this would have been a dream for him, as he only had experiences with the Japanese AV actresses in his hard drive and was an older than average virgin in the 3D world. He had never even touched a girl’s small hand. However, when this dream appeared on his own body….
Su Jian had an impulse to flip the table and scream, fúck your mom, this isn’t life trolling me, but trolling my grandfather!
Unable to deal with anything else at the moment, Su Jian pulled open his hospital gown and began to examine himself closely. The breasts were probably just the beginning, who knew what other weird after-effects he might also have?
It’s often true that, the more you’re scared of something, the more likely it will appear.
He had only just pulled his underpants halfway open, when Su Jian’s already chilled heart immediately became deathly cold. Wh-Wh-What’s that? Wh-Wh-Wh-Who can come tell me what’s going on? Was he mistaken? This was definitely a hallucination, right? Or had he actually injured his eyes? Wh-Wh-Wh-Why didn’t he see his family’s little Su Jian?
Su Jian’s eye twitched, and he carefully glanced between his legs once again.
When Heaven. Falls. The Earth. Rends![3]
Fúck your mom-mom-mom-mom! His family’s little bird was really gone! Even his balls were gone!
In his heart, Su Jian felt like there was a herd of straw mud horses[4] zipping by, trampling his innards….
This just goes to show that after such a tragic car accident, there was no way he could have survived in one piece! It turned out that he wasn’t missing an arm or a leg, but something here! Really, though, he’d rather be missing an arm or a leg than to be hurt in this crucial place! As a man, to actually have a flown cock and broken balls, God was messing with him messing with him messing with him![5]
Wait! Something wasn’t right!
Su Jian’s shaking claws slowly reached towards the area of his flown cock and broken balls.
In the next moment, he swiftly withdrew his hand and this time, it was his heart’s turn to shake.
Su Jian stared in horror, going from his tender, white, much-shrunken legs to one of his similarly shrunken-fingered hands.
Hairless and slender legs, long hair, big chest, flown cock and broken balls, small hands, small feet….
Su Jian felt that he was definitely having a very very realistic nightmare.
Sucking in a deep breath of air, he closed his eyes and, with great effort, repeated to himself, This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This isn’t real….
After opening his eyes, his breasts were still just as round, and his p*nis was still just as far away.[6]
Su Jian thought: Life…is not easy.
The next moment, a heart-wrenching and lung-rending cry rang out.
“Mirror! Mirror! I need a mirror!”
………………….
Although the shout was desperate and rough, the voice that came out was terrifyingly brittle and shrill.
Su Jian’s body quaked. In his mind, if this world hadn’t gone crazy, then it definitely was he who had.
Hearing the noise, a nurse rushed in.
Although she felt that Su Jian’s request for a mirror was strange, the nurse still helped him find one, thinking that he was afraid he had been disfigured. Handing him the mirror, she softly and comfortingly said, “Mrs. An, don’t worry. Your face didn’t sustain any injuries and is still beautiful.”
After hearing this, Su Jian felt like crying even more.
Trembling, he slowly turned the mirror towards his own face and, in the next moment, Su Jian stiffened.
Objectively speaking, the face in the mirror was really pretty good—big eyes, long eyelashes, oval face, mouth like a small cherry, especially that white and soft skin with invisible pores. This kind of natural beauty was rare in this era, where plastic surgery was king, particularly this set of facial features that, when combined, displayed an elegant cuteness. As it turned out, this was exactly the type of baby-faced beauty that he liked. Under normal circ?mstances, he definitely would have raised a fist in the air excitedly and shouted, “Cute!”
But now, this face was his….
The mirror quietly slid from Su Jian’s hand.
Seeing Su Jian’s lifeless expression and lackluster eyes, the nurse couldn’t help but to anxiously ask, “Mrs. An, what’s wrong?”
Su Jian slowly shifted her gaze towards her, saying one word at a time, “Who. Am. I?”
The nurse’s expression became even more worried, “You… Are Mrs. An. You had a car accident and broke your right leg. But, you don’t need to worry, as you’ve already had the surgery. You only need to rest, and you will fully recover with no after-effects.”
“My…surname…is…An?” Su Jian’s expression and voice were both faintly discernable.
The nurse stared blankly. Although it seemed a bit odd, she patiently explained, “Your surname is not An, your husband’s surname is An….”
Hearing the word “husband,” Su Jian couldn’t help but shake.
“Then… What is my name?”
The nurse clearly started to feel that something was fishy, “Your surname is Su, and you are called Su Jian…Mrs. An, do you feel unwell?”
Unwell? Not just unwell! I, your father, am having chest pains! I, your father, am a big and strong manly man! What kind of equipment is a fúcking “husband”?!
With great effort, Su Jian exercised restraint and squeezed out a smile that looked even uglier than crying, “It seems…that I can’t remember anything….”
The nurse looked startled before she managed to recover and hurriedly said, “Don’t worry, I’ll go call the doctor first.”
What use is calling a doctor? Su Jian sorrowfully thought, A doctor can fix arms and fix legs, but can a doctor handle this phenomenon of a manly man waking up as a frail young lady? Shouldn’t this be handled by God, Allah, Tathagata, or Buddha?
Seeing the nurse walking quickly towards the doorway, Su Jian silently hugged the blankets. This really was too frightening, and he needed time to digest it a bit…
“What’s wrong?”
A deep male voice suddenly asked from the doorway.
“Ah, Mr. An, you’re here! Mrs. An said she doesn’t remember anything.” the nurse explained.
Mr. An? Su Jian jumped and quickly raised his head. Earlier, the nurse had said his “husband’s” surname was An. So wouldn’t that mean that this newcomer was his strange body’s “hubby”?
The newcomer, who had already walked to just outside the door, frowned, hearing the nurse’s words, and lifted his eyes to look towards Su Jian. By chance, their eyes met.
Su Jian widened his eyes at that moment, sharply inhaling a breath of cold air.
As far as looks, the man was definitely categorized as the type who would be sent out to be a gigolo that charged by the second. Although he was a loser, Su Jian often treated this type of masculine, tall, rich, and handsome man with angry scorn. However, this was definitely not the reason he was shocked to the point that his balls hurt. Eh, correction, “the reason why he was shocked to the point that his phantom ‘limb’ hurt.
Su Jian’s eyes grew as big as longans, and his heart boiled with rage. The already many straw mud horses that were galloping over the Mahler Gobi had become an earth-shattering legion of mythical beasts which brought with them endless shock, hopelessness, and anger all the way from his heart, down to his urethra.[7]
fúck! Was anyone going to tell him that this was all just a dream, just a fúcking dream! What the fúck, it was scary enough for him to wake up as a woman, why did the woman’s husband have to be he, Su Jian’s foe, the epitome of evil and his rival in love, An Yize?!
Footnotes:
[1]Bro, because brothers = family, but these are your guy friends aka bros…
[2]Su mou is another way to say ‘I, surname Su’ in a historical way
[3]Idiom meaning a major disaster or ‘it’s the end of the world!’
[4]Straw mud horse = Cao Ni Ma = homonym of fúck Your Mom
[5]Flown cock and broken balls = Ji Fei Dan Da means the chicken has flown the coop, but it also means the ji (cock/p*nis) has flown, and the balls (testicles) have been broken; messing with him = Wan Ta Ne Ba = playing with his handle…
[6]There is a pun here as round = yuán and far = yuǎn so the two sound similar.
[7]Straw mud horse = cao ni ma = fúck your mother; Mahler Gobi = Your mother’s cúnt. So a ton of fúck your mom’s are galloping across the land of your mom’s cúnt