We met again with Doctor Merlin on Saturday, an enlightening encounter for me as well as for Sean. I was the first to start the consultation session with Merlin’s doctor while Sean waited outside, after having had enough with the question and answer session with him it was Sean’s turn to come in while I waited outside. For the last session, we sat together listening to Doctor Merlin’s explanation after that we said goodbye to go home, no one spoke the whole way to the apartment. Sean, who was driving, looked mute behind the wheel, staring at the road, The Chainsmoker’s All We Know playing through the car’s music player.
We’re falling a part still we hold together
We’ve passed the end so we chase forever
Cause this is all we know
This feelings all we know
I’ll ride my bike up to the road
Down the streets right through the city
I’ll go everywhere you go
From Chicago to the coast
You tell me hit this and let’s go
Blow the smoke right through the window
Cause this is all we know
Sean’s phone vibrated and then a voice came from the car speaker, the song was replaced with someone’s voice.
“Sir, Laurent found something.”
Looks like it’s Sam and Laurent(?) Who is Laurent?? My attention is drawn to this topic.
“Sam, I’m at the car speakers and not alone.”
I looked at Sean who was staring at the car music player he glanced at me I furrowed my brows seeing his reaction, is he not going to discuss this in front of me?? Oh no! No more, information hiding. My senses groaned in frustration as I grabbed her hair.
“Okay sir, we’ll talk about this later should I email it??”
“Yes, just send it to my email,” he replied then the conversation ended, his tone seemed tired and I carefully turned to the window beside me, yes, God, I want to know and why doesn’t Sean want to tell me? My senses glared at me for me to discuss this matter. My Inner Goddess was biting her nails with an anxious expression on her red sofa.
“I wonder,” I said almost in a whisper, I could tell he could hear the music player he had turned off when he pressed the button to end his conversation with Sam. My Inner Goddess jumped off her red sofa and hid behind it.
“It is nothing.”
Oh, shit! This is going to be a long conversation, Doctor Merlin’s words crossed my mind when I asked about Sean’s behavior like this.
“He tries to control all situations without involving anyone else, that’s why he makes such a great CEO Ariana, he knows what he can and can’t share with you, I know it sounds cheesy to you but that’s what shaped him after leaving rehab, he worked very hard to distract himself from focusing on building a career and his company gave him power so that no one else could control him and put pressure on him again.”
I sighed with a feeling of being weighed down inside of me, did that mean his crazy control attitude would never go away? Merlin’s words returned.
“I know you are trying to be someone who is always there for him you are trying to be the person he needs, but I don’t think that’s right, even without you doing that you are already someone he needs, when he married you when he said he loved you and when he told you not to leave him, it all started from there, you know, Ariana, Sean is not good at lying, after all he’s been through, the abuse and torture while in the orphanage it made him unable to hide anything, he’s not good at hiding his pain you must have seen evidence of this statement of mine.”
I thought back to Merlin’s words, when he asked me not to leave him, and when he thought that I would leave him one day the fear and pain reflected in his eyes like a shard of glass that scratched me again Dr. Merlin was right, as long as I was with Sean he was never lied to me, everything i wanted to know he told me even though i had to fight very hard to get him to open his mouth. Maybe this matter doesn’t need to be known to me, my common sense plopped itself into his soft leather chair with a frown on his face while my Inner Goddess peeked from the top of the sofa, I think I went too far by forcing him to always tell me everything, doctor Merlin was right Sean would know what need and do not need him to share with me.
“We’re having lunch outside.”
I just nodded as a sign of agreement, my mind was still stuck on the same thing, still about Sean’s attitude which is always not confident, who would have thought that a man like him is almost flawless in the eyes of some people feeling insecure, always thinking that he doesn’t deserve everyone. Good things in this world, messy and as if full of sin. I am grateful that Sean met a psychiatrist who understands very well about what he is going through and his situation so far. Sean needed a huge push, I had just experienced what it felt like to fall in love and at the same time I was faced with two realities at once, having a husband who was handsome and rich but fragile in terms of mental and personality, Sean on the one hand was perfect but on the other. On the other hand, he’s very damaged temporarily, I don’t have any experience dealing with men like him.