I walk through the shallow river and enjoy the cool wetness of my skin. In the meantime, winter has passed and the first rays of sunshine are warming up the forest around me. it's peaceful No hustle and bustle. No votes. Only the gentle rustling of the leaves paired with the chirping of the birds breaks through the rushing of the river. That's the background noise I hear every day now.
Exactly what kind of chaos Xerxes' death caused in the city I don't know. Now and then the wind carried the cries of people into the forest, but even then it seemed far away. It's no longer my concern what happens in my old homeland. Because I don't belong anymore.
My shabby little shack has been replaced by the vastness of nature. The stagnant water of the well with the freshness of the river. And even the food, to me, is better here than it has been in town. Small berries can be found everywhere on the bushes. At least now in spring. And in winter I can dry the berries and edible leaves so as not to starve. Zaret showed me everything necessary to survive.
For the first time in my life I seem to have arrived. I don't need people around me to be happy. Don't need interaction with others to prove to myself I'm not lonely. Back when I lived in the city, loneliness was my constant companion. People were around me and yet I was always alone. I fought so hard to get just a little recognition. But this was never granted to me. I was beaten even though I was on the ground. My wounds were negated and yet I never wanted to give up. My fight became my life - my fucking nightmare that almost killed me.
I now know that not running away was a mistake. Sometimes the only way to win is to give up. But that wasn't clear to me at the time. I thought Xerxe's path would finally give me what I so desire. And I'm sure that Xerxes had no bad intentions either. He was just in his own prison. In what his father had created.
Yes, Xerxes wanted to show me a path I could take to heal my wounds. He turned his desperation into anger. Has crushed everything and smothered the inner pain in cruelty. At the time, I didn't know that there was another way to escape your fate besides giving up and fighting. But there is. Acceptance.
Zaret showed me. He took my hand and led me with all his arrogance. Made me realize that sometimes it's better to avoid what's not good for you. And for me it was the people who pushed me into hell again and again. My ardent desire to belong drove me into the abyss.
And Zaret showed me that a wish fades if it is not kept in mind. That a man's mind forgets. Time heals all wounds, doesn't it? That's correct. At least in part. It's not like the deep wounds inside me have healed. I'm still bleeding My heart hurts with every beat. And yet I am free. As free as I've never been.
I sigh softly and wrap the fabric of the shirt even tighter around my upper body. Even if the sun is already shining, it is still quite fresh. Especially since I'm only wearing Zaret's top. This just reaches halfway up my thighs and is therefore not really effective against the still cold wind. But I do not care. That scrap of cloth is the epitome of victory for me. And the worn top is all that remains of Zaret.
The noise around me is getting stronger and I'm getting closer to my goal. The water around me is getting wilder too. Small bubbles form everywhere and without my doing, I smile. Zaret and I have often swum here. But not the way I'm doing it now. Not sure on the edge, but always in the middle. Zaret made sure of that. Again and again he pulled me to him so that I could cling to him in panic. And while I died again and again from fear of death, he laughed softly.
At least when he was fine. That wasn't often the case. Xerxe's torture worked. Something more every day. In the beginning, the bad and good days alternated. Then Zaret's quiet periods grew longer. Sometimes he hasn't moved for days. And every time I collapsed next to him. I wasn't ready to let him go at the time. Didn't want to give up his closeness. So I snuggled up to him and listened to his heartbeat. hour after hour. The dull thumping gave me support despite the fading noise. But time has been against us. There was one morning when the dull pounding no longer sounded. My last tear fell the day Zaret died. He showed me that I'm still able to really feel. And he took away from me that day the ability to ever cry again. Because from that moment I had lost everything.
But acceptance worked here, too. I have loved. Laughed and cursed a hell of a lot. I cursed God many times because of Zaret. But he gave me what I always wanted. A place I was happy to enter. It just wasn't a hut, it was a shelter in the woods. My little wish came true and was stolen from me again. Just like it is in life. But I got to live the life I wanted so badly. And nobody can take that away from me.
I take another deep breath and strip Zaret's shirt off my torso. Gently lay this down on a rock before I lean forward. The waterfall is right in front of me and just the sound of the roaring water calms my heartbeat a little. I always come here when I'm feeling down. When thoughts of Zaret are eating me up, this little waterfall helps calm my nerves. It never helps for long. But at least I'm free for one jump. Free from all the memories. Free from the burden. Then there is only Zaret on my mind. Just him and me.
And that's what I want so badly. So I step up and do what feels right. I jump without hesitation. And fly the way Zaret taught me. I never want to miss again.
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