: Evening Confessions
→Narrator: Asa
*
"You can ask me anything to make up for my stupidity." His thumbs stroked my tears away. His skin was soft, warm against my face. Nothing like I expected. And his eyes...
"Okay." I found myself whispering back.
He exhaled a breath and pulled me back to him, holding me like that until I calmed down. But one thing I noticed was his heartbeat, racing devastatingly out control, like he was running a race.
"We can play 'honest confessions', but I don't want to go through that formality. You trust me, yeah?" He asked when i calmed down. Eyes of stardusts and silver moons, beaming at me.
"Yeah."
His grin was a quick flash of teeth. "Okay."
He led us back to the ledge, the sun had already set, giving way to darkness.
"So, why do you live alone?" I asked him, trying to calm my raging heartbeat and control my erratic breathing.
He shrugged, taking a cookie and plopping it into his mouth as he chewed it all up at once. "It used to be my mum, my sister and I. Way back."
"You guys didn't stay in Sokoto with your dad?"
"For a while, yes. We did. But it got too much, you know. They, the other women, didn't like my mum. They treated her badly. They treated us badly."
"Because she wasn't Nigerian?" My body turned unconsciously towards him as I looked at him.
"Na. Dad had a lot of foreign concubines, but I think my mum was his favourite. I dunno. That was a stupid thought, considering how much he fucked us up in the end." He looked away again, his eyes closed as if in great pain and I almost stopped him from talking about this thing that hurt him so much.
But I didn't.... No, I couldn't.
Listening to him talk was like watching him sing. It was beautiful, raw, passionate. As if he was bearing part of his soul to me, unguarded, real. It was kind of hypnotic really. I just couldn't stop myself from watching him speak. I just couldn't look away.
"My mum had some money to her name, so she left the palace and came to Lagos. The city of opportunities. She built this entire apartment complex we're sitting on. And a few others in a bunch of other places. Bought some property in Festac and Ikeja and launched headfirst into Real Estate."
He leaned back, lying on the ground as he dangled his legs over the edge, his hands clasped behind his head as he looked up at the stars.
"She was going to be something. She was going to be everything... And then she died. Car crash. The news talked about it for days."
I found myself lying beside him, my back, hitting the hard concrete as he turned to look at me. We were staring at each other and the stars in his eyes shone brighter.
"I'm sorry, Amir."
He took in a ragged breath and offered a shaky smile. "It's not your fault, Asa." And then he gazed back into the evening sky. A velvety blanket with countless stars already dotting across the expanse.
"I guess, things would have been okay if my dad wasn't a complete dick about everything. He seized all her properties. Everything she had in her name, and made it look like she was unfaithful to him. He called her a harlot, totally ruined her image. He wanted me to come back to Sokoto. Back to all that negativity and hate. My older sister and I, we both refused. She sued and they had this tough legal battle and she was able to recover some of the property."
"You have an older sister?" I finally asked.
"Yeah. I don't like to talk about her either. She left shortly after my mother's death. I was her twelve year old brother with no one to look after me and she just left me for Allah knows what."
Oh Amir.
"In a way, I feel like that's what everyone does to me in the end. I think, in a fucked up way, relationships aren't meant for me. Because there's something wrong with me that chases loved ones away. That makes it difficult for them to stick around. Because they all leave when shit hits the fan. Even the closest ones to me. The ones I love. The one's who are supposed to stick around."
My hand clasped around his but he didn't look at me, staring upward at the glittering sky.
I willed my contralto voice to sound soft. "Hey, Amir, don't talk like that. You've got us. Your friends. We're not leaving you for another six months, okay?"
He actually laughed softly and remained quiet for a while.
"You're right. You guys are the closest things to family to me now. Sometimes, I wish there was more time... But in the end, after our exams, we'd have to go our separate parts again... I guess what I'm saying is, my family... The real one... It hurts that they don't want to pursue a relationship with me. That they left me to rot when i needed them the most. It hurts so much. Everything hurts too much. I just wish it all never happened, you know. I wish I never happened. What's the point of all this shit if it hurts so much?"
The tears streaked down his face and he didn't move to wipe them off.
My heart twisted for this boy, who walked around with regal shoulders and an imperial air about him. Who I once thought had no problems whatsoever. Who I always thought was just another face in the background.
But he wasn't just another face in an empty space. He had layers, levels to his being. He had feelings, a past and burdens of his own. He was human, like the rest of us. A human that shouldered a lot of pain.
My heart ached for him as I tugged him to face me, placing a hand on his cheek when his eyes found mine.
I was hit by the full intensity of those grey eyes, the colour of silver and stardust. He had this deep kind of gaze. Strong and intense, and when he looked at you, it looked like you were all he was seeing. Like you had his sole attention.
I struggled not to flinch at the intensity. "Everything happens for a reason, Amir. You're not a mistake. Everything that happened is probably leading you to something better. Don't give up, Prince Charming."
"You actually called me, Prince Charming." He chuckled and I smiled back at him.
"I guess you're right." He leaned into my hand on his cheek, his eyes closed as he took a deep breath. "Will you like to be my Cinderella?"
I snorted. "I'm no princess, Amir."
I moved to retract my hand but he held me in place, his eyes, orbs of quicksilver and stardust, wouldn't leave mine. "You can be my princess, Asa."
My heart throbbed painfully.
I laughed nervously. "Stop joking, Amir."
Pools of grey and silver fixed on mine and I saw the truth in them.
He wasn't joking.
I hadn't realized how close we had gotten, his eyelashes brushed mine, I was practically breathing his air. My hand was on his cheek as his hand held it in place. His eyes wouldn't leave mine.
I took a shaky breath. "We're tipsy, Amir and we're both feeling emotional. You're making a mistake. You don't want me."
"Tell that to my heart, Asa."
And his lips fell on mine in a soft, gentle caress. His hands stroke my cheek tenderly as his tongue traced the seam of my lips.
I was too shocked to move. Discombobulated. Utterly and majestically stupefied to think straight.
Amir of all people was kissing... Me?
Me!
Amir was Kam's friend. Kam's best friend. He shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be doing this.
My subconscious was screaming at me.
"Kiss me back, Asa." He coaxed gently against my lips as his eyes implored. But it was the gentle, almost pained way he murmured his next words, that broke my heart. "Please. I just want to get you out of my head."
He was breathing softly and we were chest to chest and he was staring at me and I was staring back at him.
It almost felt like we were looking at each others soul. And I saw the pain mirrored in those eyes, the window to his soul. And I wondered how long he had felt like this for me... When I wasn't even worth it.
I closed my eyes, knowing I was only going to hurt him further. "I'm sorry, Amir." I said gently, touching his cheek and communicating my truth to him. "I can't do this. It's Kam my heart wants. I'm sorry."
He closed his eyes in pain as he crumpled back down to the ground. He ran a frustrated hand over his face and let out a gut wrenching, heart wringing cry that made me hurt for him even more. "Fuck!" He cussed. "Fuck! What was I thinking?!" He moaned bitterly into his hand.
I stood up. "I think I should leave."
He didn't say anything and the last thing I saw before sliding into his balcony was a sad broken boy, mangled and beaten down emotionally.
And my heart squeezed even more painfully.
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