I barely live the life I promised to cherish. I had argued with myself tonight and it took advantage of all the hopes I miscarried. The void I never desired to shelter had triggered my longing for happiness. It seeks tranquility. It searches for freedom; I ask for silence.
I'm clueless about the healing process I'm taking— unaware of the purpose of all the disturbances, grieving, and disappearance; the sudden weak hours, vulnerability, and longing for existence.
This emptiness grows more loudly than my daily progress. I can't illustrate what more mistakes and loneliness I should deserve to finally welcome the healed version of me. I was pent up in the walls I formed for myself so others would not hurt me, but it turns out to ruin my goals and block the paths I suppose to take for a trip to happiness. It can't let me
win. It just keeps reminding me that I did nothing good for myself— that all I've done is blame others; make chaos inside me; to pretend that I was doing fine with different faces.
They said it was fine to mourn about tragedies, but when I cried for every trauma I get, I always bleed.
And I keep starting from where I started—nothing.
When I first saw Hector—and I found out the deep connection between the two of us—I started to feel safe with him. That even if he doesn't say anything whenever we're together it's fine, as long as he's by my side.
But I didn't expect this to happen.
I looked up to look at Hector again and our eyes met. I didn't know what to give him so I smiled awkwardly but he didn't give me anything in return. Because in his condition now, he remembers everything except the two of us from his girlfriend. I was erased from his mind. Amari and I were both erased from his memory.
"At least he woke up," I heard Vera say next to me so I looked at her.
I smiled lightly at her and nodded at her then looked back at Hector who was currently reading a book.
"What does he remember?" She asked more.
"Everyone except us. The doctor said he lost all the painful things in his memory and left everything he wanted to think about. Isn't it bad? Does that mean he doesn't want to think about us anymore?" I said bitterly to Vera and stared intently at Hector.
He has been moved to a private room but has not been allowed to go out as his condition needs to be monitored. There are times when he suddenly gets dizzy and loses consciousness. Also, the wounds on his face and different parts of his body are still fresh. Especially the head.
"Maybe not. There might be another explanation for that matter. Stop overthinking," Vera convinced me to which I just nodded.
I really don't want to think that Hector felt that way before the incident happened. That thing is impossible. But maybe it's better than losing him forever.
When the four of them entered—Sir Anton, Rusty, even Vera, I stayed at the door while watching them. I don't know if he
will want to see me, he doesn't know me. Also, I don't think he's comfortable every time he sees me. I feel like it's not. Since he woke up three days ago, he hasn't spoken to me again. Every time he looks at me, only his cold eyes stare at me.
I bit my lower lip while staring at him as he read. It suddenly stopped and turned in another direction. I'm not sure what he was thinking.
"Why don't you want to come in?" Rusty asked me when he approached me.
I looked away from him.
"I'm fine here," I sparingly answered him but he ignored it.
"Let's go, I'll introduce you to our leader," he told me meaningfully then winked at me.
I didn't do anything when he pulled me inside. They all looked at Rusty and me but Hector kept looking the other way. He seems to be thinking deeply.
"Bro, have you met Anastacia? She's your favorite employee," Rusty said to him which made him look at us.
Our eyes met again. His cold pair of eyes focused on me. I tried to read what he was thinking but I couldn't do it anymore. I don't see any emotion in him. It's just blank. Something seems to be missing.
"Yeah, I know her," he said coldly so I was stunned. Before I could think of anything, the hope he gave me sank immediately because of what he said next.
"He was the first thing I saw when I woke up. I always see him here," he answered Rusty and turned to him again. "What are you doing here? Are you watching me?"
I don't know how to feel when he said that. My eyes rolled as he looked deeper into me. I searched for the right answer to his questions but my mind seemed to run away from me at that time.
I heard Rusty and Sir Anton tasting. Vera shook her head while smiling. I averted my eyes from him because I couldn't stand his gaze.
"She wants to stay here with you to watch over you. She took care of you before you woke up. Don't scare her," Sir Anton uttered which made me look at him.
I mouthed 'thank you' to him which he just nodded. When I turned to Hector, he was still looking at me. I opened my mouth to speak but he was ahead of me.
"Thank you but I don't need it," he said gruffly, making me cringe.
I don't know if I'm happy that he's like this now or not. I'm thankful that he's still awake but why does it have to be like this? Damn it, Hector.
When the night came, the four went home. I just stared at him while sleeping. Wondering how long he'll be like this. I wonder when his memory will come back because even though I'm happy that he woke up, I know that I'm struggling with the current situation. Especially with Amari. I haven't seen her again since Hector woke up. She didn't know what was going on. But I was thinking if I could bring her here because it might help Hector to remember.
I took my cell phone when I thought about that. I immediately dialed Emerald's number. It took a while before she finally answered.
"Um, can you bring Amari here tomorrow? I'll pick you up from there," I said to her immediately when she answered my call.
"Is that mommy? Can I talk to her?" I heard Amari say on the other line so I just smiled.
"Ma'am, it's Amari," Emerald said which made me nod at her.
"Mommy! Where's Daddy? Can I go there? Please," she said so cutely on the other line that my smile grew even wider.
I stood up from my seat and went to the glass window of the room. The beautiful city and the sky that was beginning to darken appeared to me.
"Sure, baby. Nanny will take you here tomorrow, okay? I'll see you here tomorrow. Mommy misses you so much, baby," I answered her, and I could already predict her reaction when I heard her happy cry.
"I miss you and Daddy so much. I love you. Tell daddy that I love him, too, mommy please," she answered.
I felt my heart warm when I heard that. I talked to her for a few minutes before she returned the phone to Emerald. After I told him what to do tomorrow, I killed it. I stared at the sight in front of me. I was about to go back to my seat when I heard him say something.
"You have a child?"
When I looked back, I saw Hector who was currently sitting and looking directly at me. At first, I didn't know what to say but I just smiled when I remembered what Amari was saying. I quietly returned to the seat beside him.
"Yeah, she looks so much like her father..." I said to him, I looked at his hand. I want to hold him because I miss him so much.
I really miss his warm hug. I really miss the way he handled me. I haven't felt that for a few days.
"Then why are you here instead of being with your daughter? You're already married," he told me coldly and never looked at me again.
I bit my lower lip and sighed tiredly. I honestly don't know how to explain everything to him. The things that are bothering me are mixed up.
"Actually, I'm not sure if we're still married now, Hector. We just have a child," I answered him lazily and let myself close my eyes for a moment because I felt so tired.
"What do you mean?" He asked again.
I cringed when I heard that. My eyes are still closed while listening to him. While listening to his questions. While trying to listen to his memories. To our memories. Again.
"Long story. Also, he got into trouble so I'm not sure we're going to get along," I continued.
I felt him move on the bed. I'm not sure what it did because my eyes were heavy and I didn't want to wake up. I can feel the fatigue in my body as well as my mind.
"What happened to him?" Hector asked one more time which made me look at him.
Our eyes met. I was even surprised when it was facing me and very close. His feet were on the floor and he was staring at me. I felt my heart skip a beat when I saw those various emotions in his eyes, but they disappeared immediately.
I bit my lower lip. "Because he doesn't remember me. He doesn't remember me and his daughter," I kept saying to him. I feel my heart ache.
We stared at each other for a few minutes before the door suddenly slammed so we turned around at the same time. My forehead furrowed when he comforted Ayanna who went straight to Hector while crying.
"Oh my god, Apollo. What happened to you?" She hissed. She arched her arms around Hector's neck and hugged it so tightly that I stood up.
When she separated from Hector, I was surprised when Hector grabbed her arm.
"What are you doing here, babe? When did you get home?"
My jaw dropped completely when I heard that. Babe? What does he mean?